Today, Tonight, Tomorrow

Today was HOT AS HELL! Driving to my inlaws with Emily to celebrate my darling stepson's 14th birthday (it was the family celebration today, even though he turned 14 this past Monday), the outside temperature gauge on my car read 103 at one point. CRAP! We are having end of July/August temps at not quite the end of May. This sucks.

So, today was my last non-working day. I start work tomorrow and am a little anxious about it. Not that I won't do a great job, just that it is a new job and it's my first day back to work in almost 4 months. Matt went ahead and kept Em tonight. It's so hard being without her when he has her. He has her during the week days b/c he works nights and also has her on an occasional weekend night. My one dream as a child, the one thing I wanted to do and be was a mother to a house full of kids. Not a doctor or movie star or teacher or any other thing like that. Just a mother. As I mentioned in a previous post, it was a miracle that I had Emily and will be the equivalent of winning the lottery or lightning striking twice to have another child b/c of the hormonal issues that my body was cursed with, which actually is a blessing b/c it makes me appreciate more just how special this one perfect little girl is. She is the delight of my life, the light in my eyes, the joy in my heart. She is everything to me and I love her more than my own life. She is the very best part of me.

I miss her tonight, even though I know that it is best that she is there b/c there is so much that I have had to prepare for and do tonight to get ready for tomorrow and would not have been able to spend the time with her that she needs and likes for me to. I miss her night time prayers and asking me to sing a song for her or read her a Bible story before bed. There is an ache in my heart not being able to give her a night time hug or see her sweet smile or the sparkle in her eyes when she looks at me. Yes, I fully admit it, I am smitten with my darling daughter b/c she is such a gift. She always tells me in a hushed voice:

"Pssssst. Guess what?"
"What sunshine?"
"I got a surprise for you?"
"Oh, yeah? What is it?"
"It's...(she leans forward, her eyes sparkling and her voice gets very quiet)...me!"
"Yay! That's just what I have always wanted!"
"I know."

Then she comes over and throws her little arms around my neck and squeezes me tight.

"Rock me, mommy. Sing 'Baby Mine'."

This is the song that I sang to her months before she was born. This is the first song I sang to her as I held her right after she was delivered. Matt got it on video. So I hold her like a little baby and rock her like a little baby and sing to her as I look into her eyes and see her smile b/c she loves for her mommy to do that. And I treasure the moment b/c I know that soon, far too soon, she will be to "old" for such shows of affection and it will be a "gift" that she grants me when she deigns to let her old mother hug her anymore. And I dread those days but I know they must come. That they will come. When friends and appearances will take the place of bedtime Bible stories and requests of "just one more song mommy" to help get her to sleep are a thing of the past. The best I can do for now is to love her and show her that she is loved and create cherished memories of bedtime fun that she can, and God willing will, pass on to her own children some day.

One night a couple of weeks ago, she was laying down and I was singing to her and she turned her head to look up at me (she was laying on her stomach) and she whispered "I'm your precious gift." At the age of 3 and several months she gets it. She knows that she is special to me. That she indeed is a gift from God to me. All I could do at that moment is bend forward and lay my head next to hers on her pillow and look her in the eye and say "Yes, honey, you are. You are my most precious gift that I have ever received and I thank God every single day of my life that you are in it." And she closes her eyes and finally goes to sleep. Secure in the knowledge that she is loved greatly and wanted wholeheartedly and cherished deeply.

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part
Baby of mine

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes
Sparkle and shine
Never a tear
Baby of mine

If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give
Just for the right to hold you

From your head
To your toes
You're so sweet
Goodness knows
You are so precious to me
Cute as can be
Baby of mine

Baby mine
Baby mine

I recorded an AudioBlog so you could hear me singing the song, yanno, if you wanted to. I told you in a previous 15 Things About Me Thursday that I have stage fright. Just to even know that you all could be listening really unnerved me and so the sound quality isn't the best, but I didn't have the nerve to go back and do another one. At least my voice doesn't suck too bad. :)




EEEEEEKKK.

Writing about my Emily definitely helps to calm the jitters about tomorrow down. I'm glad that she knows that she is my world b/c that's all that matters to me is that she knows it.

Ok, I'm off to sleep in curlers so that my hair will have a wavy effect tomorrow. I don't know if my body chemistry is changing or what. I was born with stick straight hair and moquitoes avoided me religiously. Now, my hair is drying naturally wavy and I've gotten more moquito bites this weekend than in the whole past year. Wonder what's going on there? In February I cut 15" off of my hair. It's grown out to just below shoulder level. With my first paycheck I'm going to get my hair cut to my chin. If this weekend has been any indication of the kind of weather to expect this summer, shorter hair is going to be the thing to have.

I know I missed the 10 Words of Wisdom for tonight, I will try to go ahead and post them tomorrow evening, along with the Monday Meal. I'm thinking something in a chilled pasta salad or the like. Something to keep you cool during this unGodly heat and humidity.

To the general populous: Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

To my Emily fair, sugar booger, silly goose girl, honey bunney - I love you deeper than the oceans and farther than the stars. Goodnight my little love. May angels watch you through the night.