10 truths about happy marriages

The title of this article caught my attention and, while the boyfriend and I are not at this stage...yet, I think it is good advice not just for marriages, but romantic relationships in general. It's 10 simple and practical steps on how to keep a happy marriage (relationship).

10 truths about happy marriages
By Laurie Puhn

People in happy marriages don’t fight, satisfied lovers never complain, and romantic love is constant and everlasting. Are you cracking a smile yet?

Even the best of us who start off in marriage with knee-knocking love and tingles up the spine, will eventually discover that love has ups and downs. -- Picking up dirty socks isn’t what you’d like to be doing, but it’s what you do anyway, for the sake of marriage.

Happy couples are happy because they handle mundane issues and conflict with verbal tact and warmth so they are still holding hands when serious obstacles come their way.

If you want to have a superior relationship with your partner and be a good role model for your children, then enhance your verbal skills today by adopting the tips below.

What I have found as a couples mediator is that the same verbal skills work to improve every relationship.

These 10 quick and simple tips from my book "Fight Less, Love More" will keep the peace in the family and make your love connection stronger.

1. Happy Couples Pick Their Battles
Before you get angry and reprimand your mate for making a mistake or doing something you told him or her not to do, stop and ask yourself this one wise question: "Does this affect me?" If it doesn't, button your lips and avoid a fight. After all, your mate is the one who must deal with the consequence, not you.

2. Happy Couples Play Detective
When your mate's mistake does affect you, what then? Rather than being hostile, find out what really happened. Ask neutral and respectful questions such as, "Can you tell me what happened?" or "I don't understand. Am I missing something here?" You might discover a good reason for the oversight or blunder, which could avoid a blow-up.

3. Happy Couples Complain with Impact
When you have a complaint, say what you do want, not what you don't want. For example, rather than saying to your child or mate, "Get off that darn computer -- you're so rude!" instead target your mate using a positive approach: "I miss your company. Can you join me in the living room to hang out?"

4. Happy Couples Skip the "Whatever" Word
Being passive by often saying "whatever you want" might temporarily avoid a fight, but it could breed resentment because it leaves the majority of decisions to your mate, which can be stressful. Instead, have a real opinion and share it.

5. Happy Couples Create Policies
If your mate does something that affects and disturbs you, such as overspending or making plans for both of you without asking the other first, don't get sucked into the heated "How could you?" argument.

Instead, focus on the future by creating policy solutions, as in, "From now on can we agree to make a budget for our personal expenses?" Or: "Can we agree to check in with each other before making plans for both of us?"

6. Happy Couples Show They Care
Forgetting to ask about what's going on in your child or your mate's daily life is a surefire way to erode a relationship. From now on, if you know that someone in your family has an important meeting, test, doctor appointment, or event that day, don't neglect it -- instead, respect it. Call, e-mail, text, or ask in person, "How did it go?" This sends a clear message: I care about you.

7. Happy Couples Avoid Factual Arguments
Do you and your mate often find yourselves arguing about the name of a restaurant you went to, a certain address, someone's birthday, an historical fact, or sports figure? Then you are prone to having a dumb argument! Stop the conversation and do an online fact check, call a friend, or simply drive by the location.

8. Happy Couples Apologize with the “B” Word
Quickly saying the words "I'm sorry" is a bad apology because it often comes off as insincere, and could trigger another battle. Next time you seek mercy, add the "B" word: Say, "I'm sorry because..." and share how you hurt your mate and what you will do to prevent the wrongdoing from recurring. Research shows that when you add the "because clause" your words are more persuasive.

9. Happy Couples Create Border Control
Are you ever angry with your partner for revealing something to others that you consider private, like a health issue, a child discipline issue, job insecurity, or a marital disagreement? If so, bypass the "How could you say that?!" argument. Instead, establish border control: Outline the topics that should remain private to insure that neither of you becomes an accidental traitor.

10. Happy Couples Give a Daily Dose of Recognition
Most couples on the divorce path seldom compliment each other. In our online survey for "Fight Less, Love More," we asked people, "Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?" The result was that 84 percent of people said "kind."

The lesson: Find daily opportunities to recognize your mate for something that reflects a character strength (you are such a wonderful mother/father, you are so thoughtful when you...).

Giving it up vs OFFERING it up

So...

I am not Catholic, Lutheran or Methodist, but I do participate in Lent and it seems like I've been going about it all wrong, which is probably why my Lenten "sacrifices" never stuck. A lovely and very wise, former high school friend pointed this out to me this morning and it really FINALLY made sense to me.

I posted on my FB status that I am giving up a couple of things for the Lenten period and focusing on two main things. I spoke about how my hope is that giving those two things up for Lent would carry over to being every day changes in my life. (My mouth...I have issues with keeping it clean when I'm in traffic and/or dealing with idiot drivers, but I never, ever use profanity around my kids. And, I smoke every now and then. Ok, 2 cigs a day. One going to work and one leaving work. Don't smoke on the weekends.) I wrote of how cutting both of these out for 40 days should make a difference in various areas of my life for the better.

My lovely friend wrote the following:

"I saw it put so nicely on another page where a conversation was being held about Lent and the writer said, "join us sufferers". The person writing back stated, "Jesus suffered and died, so that we don't have to suffer." I thought that was well put. If God is speaking to you about something, listen to Him, pray and ask Him to help you stop whatever you are failing at. Don't have to "give it up" for Lent – OFFER it up instead. Such a great thing for us non-denominational Christians! Amazing GRACE!"

I never thought of it that way, but really, it makes SO MUCH SENSE! Instead of suceeding by trying to do this "on our own", so to speak by "giving" it up, we are, really, without relying on the Lord for help, learning that any plan is doomed to fail eventually when we go that route.

By OFFERING it up to the Lord, we are humbling ourselves with our issues and telling Him that we have no chance of doing it on our own. We are admitting that we NEED His help to get through whatever it is we are trying to get rid of in our lives and we are TRUSTING that He will do it, when we obey what it is that He wants us to do.

Really, the observation of Lent is about external rituals. God is after something much deeper than those external rituals. He wants our hearts. He wants our souls. He wants them completely. We should rejoice in the fact that we are 100% forgiven through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. We should be praying for guidance from the Lord about what are the stumbling blocks in our lives that are hindering our relationship with God and others. What is it He wants us to "give up" by offering it up to Him? Once He leads us to the things we need to work on ridding our lives of and we entrust the struggle to Him, often this leads to a healthier lifestyle, whether physically, mentally or other, and creates a less stressful life all the way around.

I know I have a LOT more than just those two things to work on and offer up and I believe with God's help and surrendering myself to His direction and offering those areas up to Him, that ultimately I will be successful and I have nobody to thank but God for the changes He is going to make in my life for the better.

Live and learn every day. I'm learning to do it for the RIGHT reasons.

In writing this, the wonderful hymn "Trust and Obey" was brought to my mind...I'd say it fits pretty perfectly!

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Refrain

I'm only human

I finally was able to get around to reading a dear friend's outstanding briefing from Saturday, February 11, and I can't help but feel a little guilty. The gist of the article is the generational discussion regarding what Jesus said in that "THIS GENERATION shall not pass until all of this has been fulfilled" (Luke 21:32). It was a very thought provoking article and really stellar...I completely enjoyed it. However, it brought up some thoughts that are weighing heavy-ish on my mind and heart...

While, yes, I do long to be up in Heaven...experience the Rapture first hand...and be with my Lord and Savior, I still also long to have more time with my precious kids, my mom, the wonderful man and friends in my life as it is NOW in terms of those relationships.

I know I will have an eternity with them and I can't even begin, with my impossibly mortal little mind, to fathom what that will be like. But I cherish hearing the giggles and whispered "mommy"'s and "I love you"'s and "you're the best mommy ever"'s and getting the snuggles and cuddles from my children and I love the amazing hugs I get from my man and the time that we spend together. I love being able to share scripture with him and prayers and know that God is working on us and drawing us ever closer to Him and to each other.

In light of that, with my frail little human self and mind, I can't help but wish that we had just a few more years yet here. And I know it's b/c I absolutely lack the capacity to and cannot begin to comprehend just how awesome it will be when we're up there in Glory. Through a glass darkly, right? And I know when I get to heaven I will wonder how foolish and ignorant I was to ever want to stay away from heaven for any length of time.

But here, on earth, in my frail human vessle of my body, my heart and soul longs for both sides of the coin, if that makes any sense at all. SIGH...

And I wonder...am I the only one who feels this way?

In Other Words for Valentine's Day 2012

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


Love.

It can be a noun, as in
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person;sweetheart.

And it can be a verb
5. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
6. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
7. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
8. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
9. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
10.to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

But the worldly "love" of today doesn’t take into account the Biblical standards for LOVE. Infidelity and divorce rates are at an all time high, even among Christians...or those who believe themselves to be. The world has subscribed to the Nike philosophy "Just do it".

"If it feels good, do it"
"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"
"Look out for number one"

And so forth and so on, are the mantras of today. To the world it's all about hedonism and taking care of yourself first instead of taking care of the one you chose to cleave to.

It's not easy these days in the hustle and bustle of the RUSH and technology laden crowd to be PATIENT with people. Our expectations have been sorely distorted. Technology is supposed to make our lives "easier", but in reality, it has only made our lives busier with less time and attention for the relationships that are supposed to matter.

In losing that patience for those we love, for paying attention to other things instead of our relationships, we tend to be less KIND. Our words can be harsher instead of soft and gracious when we are frustrated by our loved ones actions. We can say cutting words when we are upset instead of gently explaining why we are having a tough day. We need to check our words and our actions when we are having a bad day and season them with grace instead of griping.

When we love someone we are not to be ENVIOUS, meaning, we are not to be jealous. If you have a relationship grounded in God and in trust, there is no reason to be jealous. In past relationships, I admit, we were not grounded in God and therefore there was not complete trust and over time the relationships deteriorated due to the breaking of that bond between us. Thankfully, I have a man in my life who believes that a cord of three strands is not easily broken and knows that doing things GOD'S way will only make our relationship stronger and bring God's blessings to it.

I often tease my boyfriend that I don't get dressed up to go out for him because he thinks I look better without the makeup and the fancy hair, I get dressed up to show the other women out there that they don't stand a chance with my man. Let's be honest. There are women out there who see a man they're interested in and will go after them, no matter what...unless they see that the relationship is strong and not going to be worth their time. I call the makeup and hair my "war paint", but in reality, the loving glances, affection and laughter between my boyfriend and I do more to keep those wolves at bay than anything else.

The envy and jealousy goes both ways though. Don't seek to make your significant other jealous of other people. It only brings strife and harm to the relationship in the end and creates the opposite effect of what you were looking for.

Hand in hand with the envy and jealousy is the BOASTing and PRIDE. One of the most famous sayings is "pride goeth before a fall". For the same reason you don't seek to make your loved one jealous, you don't boast to others about the perfect relationship you have and give all the details. People will want what you have and will try and take it from you. Create within that relationship a safe haven where you find comfort and peace after a tough, wearying day. A place where they will feel safe in knowing that what the two of you have is sacred and isn't broadcast for the world to hear.

When you love someone you do not DISHONOR them by airing their faults or by talking down about them or to them. You do not flirt with others, doesn't matter if your loved one is there or not. That is going outside the bounds of a Godly relationship and sows seeds of disharmony and allows the third party to think that they just might have a chance with you, even if they don't. It creates that "what if" scenario..."man, I'm having such a great time with so-and-so...what if I were single?" That is huge, to me anyway, in the area of dishonoring your partner and your relationship.

These days, we tend to think of ourselves first instead of putting others in front of us. We've conditioned ourself to "look out for number one" and be SELF-SEEKING. "What can YOU do for ME" becomes the mindset instead of "What can I do for YOU". In work and at home that is my theme...what can I do for YOU?...and I do it without regard for them "doing" in return for me. After all, that is not what love is about. Love is about putting the other person first. The Bible says, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Trust me, it makes things so much easier in the give and take of a relationship.

Love does not get ANGRY at the slightest misstep or error. Yes, people will say or do things in error, many times unintentionally, without thinking. Grace...always grace. There have been times where my boyfriend has said some things that I was kind of hurt or offended by, but, being that I am the first real relationship he's had in about ten years, I realized that he was speaking out of inexperience. That allowed me to put the brakes on my tongue and gently explain my view of the situation, which, in turn, defered what would have been an inevitable fight. All because I would have taken affront in error to something that was said out of lack of understanding.

Alongside the anger is the issue of KEEPING A RECORD OF WRONGS. If it happened in the past and has been apologized for...leave it in the past. How simple is that? So many friends that I have have told me that their spouses or significant others have fought dirty by bringing up their past. Some have been things that they did even before they met their loved one or things that they did when they first started dating their loved one, etc., things that are not fair bringing up in the present because they have changed the and are no longer that person. God fogives us our transgressions as far as the East is from the West, who are we to do less for those who have asked our forgiveness and have changed? It's dirty pool to bring up the past when the past is...the past.

Love should not DELIGHT IN EVIL, it shouldn't want to do the wrong things. If you love someone you are TRUTHful and honest with them. You want the best for them. You want them to be happy. You want the relationship to last forever. Well, let me tell you, that doesn't happen overnight. Anything worth having is worth working hard for. Right? Love will not be smooth sailing. You will not always be in love with your significant other or your spouse. Chuck Swindoll has a brilliant quote about marriage. A successful marriage involves falling in love many times...but always with the same person.

There WILL be hard times.

There WILL be hurts.

There WILL be times when you just want to throw in the towel and walk away because y'all just can't see eye to eye.

Yes, to all that and more...BUT...

Love ALWAYS PROTECTS...hold your vows, your relationship as sacred. Protect it from outside influences. Protect it from the wolves trying to tear it apart. Protect it from your own angers and misunderstandings.

Love ALWAYS TRUSTS...believe the best about your partner. Trust that their actions are truthful and honest. Trust in God's plan for your relationship and especially TRUST in GOD, that He is faithful and true. Remember, a cord of THREE strands is not easily broken. Keep God at the center of your relationship and you will weather the storms of life much, much better.

Love ALWAYS HOPES...instead of losing that hope when things don't look so good, keep your faith that God knows what He's doing. “Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.” To still have hope means that we haven't given up through the trenches and valleys and will be rewarded with the views from the peaks.

Love ALWAYS PERSEVERES...To quote Winston Churchill...Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up! Love goes the extra mile...love gives you the strength to endure what you never thought you could. Love allows you to see your significant other through God's eyes and not through the weary, materialistic, world-viewed eyes that has been shoved in our direction and fed to us day in and day out.

On this Valentine's Day, I pray that you get to see your loved ones through God's eyes and that you see that same vision reflected in their eyes back to you.

The greatest of these is LOVE...

To view other perspectives on this In Other Words quote, please visit our hostess this week Heart Choices.

How can I KNOW?

One of my dear friends is struggling hard right now with the issue of Salvation. He's been a Christian for years, but lately he is struggling with the thought of the fact that he brings nothing to his own Salvation, that God ALONE is the One who brings us to Him. He questions "if I am saved, why did I do that"? "Why did I act that way"? "I thought by now, "I would have changed more"? How do I know for sure "The Holy Spirit lives in me"? I told my prayer partner last week as we wrestled through this question "If I am not saved, I can't be saved". I have begged The Lord to save me a thousand times. My wise prayer partner told me it would be like asking my wife to marry me a thousand times.

I, in my limited human understanding, tried to answer his questions as much as possible and I thought that this might be helpful to others out there struggling with the same thoughts...
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Oh, my lovely friend. I've wrestled with the same question from time to time, but after how God has so thoroughly provided for me, time and again, and proven Himself faithful to me, insignificant, mere mortal, completely daily sinner ME, I have no more doubts b/c He always looks after His own and provides for whose who are His, in Him.

I, like Jack, and everyone else here is a sinner. I freely admit to smoking from time to time, to drinking a little too much sometimes, to having the absolute WORST mouth when it comes to traffic...unless my kids are in the truck with me, to conforming a little too much to the world much more often than I should (which is to be never) and not spending enough time in the Word, among many, many other things. But do I love God with all my heart? Does He work on me daily? Does the thought of being without Him in my life bring me to tears and despair? Yes, yes, yes.

Satan likes to make us question our salvation. Does it mean we're not saved? As Paul said, "God forbid!" But Satan is the master of mind games. Satan has no control except the power of deceit. He seeks to lead us away from God; he tempts us to lose our focus. Like the experience of Peter, walking on the water in front of our Lord, Satan seeks to have us sink into our own raging sea of doubt and fear (Matthew 14:30-31). Satan is at work in our minds and hearts as we contemplate this. He is saying to us that not only is the Christian commitment difficult, it is unattainable. Satan's attack upon us as Christians is to try and deceive us into giving up the Christian struggle. And, it is a struggle, sometimes more than others, as we seek to not conform to this world that surrounds us 24/7. As Christians we are encouraged to believe that the improbable walk up the steep path of our Christian journey is not by our own power, but by the presence and power of God (Matthew 19:26). Satan deceives by telling us that we must rely upon ourselves, and therefore Christianity is futile.

Satan plays out his deception according to the faith and life of those that he is tempting. For those who are close to God, Satan must work hard to deceive – for these he will even attempt to copy the very power and glory of God himself (Angel of "Light" anyone?) – but sometimes it is as easy as planting seeds to doubt their salvation. Especially when there are already struggles going on in their lives.

The greatest deceit, the great victory of Satan is not that he is leading a willing world to destruction, it is that he is, sadly, often able to deceive and lead astray the Christian person who is struggling to be transformed more and more into the image of Christ (Rom 12:2). Satan deceives the Christian by convincing him to take his attention off Christ. To become doubting of the power and promises of God.

How do we resist this deceit? What is the response of the Christian person to the tricks and deceit and charms of the Devil? The answer for the Christian is to continually seek God and His Kingdom; to fight the deceits of the Devil, despite the pain and suffering he can cause, with a faith founded upon the All-powerful and All-loving God.

Satan can only deceive, he CANNOT pluck us out of the hand of God, he CANNOT send us unwillingly from the kingdom of God. If God no longer becomes the focus of our vision and life, it is not He who has moved, it is that we have taken our gaze from him. God doesn't move, He doesn't change. He is the same tomorrow as He is today and was yesterday. We are the ones who move closer or further from Him.

One of my very most favorite verses is this: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39.

Did you read that? Truly read each and every word? It is in the Word of God, the infallible, inerrant Word of our Creator, therefore it is true. God cannot lie. Nothing...NOTHING can separate us from His love...once we are His, WE ARE HIS. We can question and doubt all we want. We have times in our lives where we go through the valley, such as what you are going through, my dear Sarge, but God allows us to go through those valleys so that we know we have free will to choose, to question, to try and work things out in our minds. He allows us to go through them so that when we realize that God has saved us because He called US to Him; because He LOVES us with a love that is eternal, He CHOSE US from the beginning of time and there is nothing we can do to remove ourselves from His hand, from His love, from His grace or mercy; then we will fully GET IT. God allows us to go through these valleys so that we can better appreciate the view from the peaks once we stop trying to work out our salvation in our own mind and accept that it just IS...with absolutely no help from us.

One of my tattoos, yes, I have tats, has a beautiful cross with wings and a banner above and around the cross and up top it says one of the five solas...Solus Christus...meaning Christ Alone. In Christ ALONE I am saved. Christ ALONE. The rest of the banner says "Grace", "Forgiveness", and "Mercy" with "Love" being at the bottom of the Cross. These are all attributes of God that I cling to on a daily basis, attributes without which I would be totally lost.

I love that I KNOW that my God is BIGGER than any problems that I'm facing. Trust, placing absolute and completely trust in Him has, admittedly, been hard for my human nature to do. But God has been gracious and merciful with my stubbornness and pride and has led me, sometimes gently, sometimes with a THUMP upside my head, to that place where, no matter what happens to me, I KNOW I am His. I KNOW He is in control of it all. I KNOW that all outcomes have His approval, even though I don't understand at the time – I know I will understand in God's time. But it was not always so and that struggle happens for most of us at different times. How I envy those who have always had that complete and utter faith and trust in the Lord and have never questioned. But I also know that in my struggles in my own mind, life and heart, I have reached a level of complete understanding that they possibly might never know.

I pray that you find that understanding very soon...and as Christine so succinctly put it...GET THE DEVIL OUT OF YOUR HEAD! He doesn't belong there, but he's trying to weasel his way in. Call out to Jesus...resist the devil and he will flee from you.

My love and prayers go out for you, my friend. I'm including the lyrics to two of my very favorite Christian contemporary songs. It's appropriately titled, "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day (my favorite line is "He'll meet you wherever you are") and "Untitled Hymn" by Chris Rice...this one I always cry on, I can't even read the lyrics without tearing up.

Cry Out To Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Untitled Hymn

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

Farewell Angel

Last night was a particularly wonderful and beautiful night. Bittersweet in the reasoning behind it. As you may have read, my dear friend Amberlyn passed away back in November. FULL of life, full of love, full of spirit and goodness and generosity. She was one of a kind, my Amberlyn.

Amberlyn left behind a legacy of love, of caring for others more than herself. Last night was her memorial/benefit concert to help out her family and her special charity, Amber's Angels, which is for kids in Dell Children's and one other hospital in San Antonio who are stuck in the hospitals at Christmas. She personally touched all the musicians who were there last night. And there were some SUPER big names! If you know Texas Country, you'll recognize the following:

Granger Smith
Curtis Grimes
Ryan Beaver
Bart Crow
Ray Wylie Hubbard
Casey Donahew
Wade Bowen
Brandon Rhyder
Josh Abbott
Cory Morrow
Roger Creager
Randy Rogers

...and many more!

4 sets of 4 musicians for each set (and associated fiddle players, etc.) for an unprecedented acoustic show. Each played 4 songs in their respective sets. And it was PACKED!

Amberlyn always wanted a party when she left this world and, trust me, though this party in honor of her memory was STELLAR, I guarantee you that it is NOTHING compared to the party that Heaven threw when she was called home.

Oh, my sweet Amberlyn. I miss you and I love you. And I rejoice, not only because you no longer struggle daily to breathe, but because I KNOW that I will see you again on the other side.

One of the things that was really driven home to me last night at my Amberlyn's concert is that we never truly know how much time we have left on this earth. Don't save things for "someday" b/c that day might never come. Don't ever pass up a chance to tell those important to you that you love them and let them know how important they are in your life. Never turn down a hug or kiss or a chance to hold hands with those who matter most b/c you don't know if that will be the last time. Live LIFE without hesitation! Laugh freely...love completely. What last memory do you want to have of others...what last memory do you want them to have of you? Let it be one of love. ♥

I will post more pictures as I have them, but for now, here are a few...

These first 2 pics are of us in the beautiful shirts that my amazing, thoughtful and caring sisterfriend, Leigh, had made for us...

Back Row: Jordan, MJ, Leigh, Colleen, Me
Front Row: Misty, Christy, Taryn and Jen




Me and the beautiful Samantha:


A little later in the night:

Back Row: Colleen, Leigh, Jordan, Jen, Taryn, Me
Front Row: Misty (LOL!)


Back Row: Jordan, MJ, Leigh, Christy, Me, Colleen and Jen
Front Row: Misty, Amberlyn's sweet and lovely mom (Debbie) and Taryn

God's 10%

Have you ever thought, I mean REALLY thought, about the 10% thing? Not just in a financial sense, but in a sense of our daily lives?

There are 24 hours in a day. 10% of that is 2.4 hours, but how many of us actually spend 2.4 hours out of the day with God? Kind of a difficult concept to imagine with our busy lives full of activities, work, family...especially if you have kids who have homework, participate in after-school activities, such a sports, etc. Then, speaking from a mother's POV, there's the dinners to get ready, the baths/showers to supervise, the clothes/dishes to wash, house to clean/pick up, the preparation of everything for everyone for the next day...and that's just for everyone else, not to mention the things you need to do for yourself, especially if you work! And what if you're a single mother like me with an emotionally charged pre-pubescent tween girl and a son who is in his adorable, yet terrible, twos?

Where in the world are we supposed to find the 10% out of our day for God?

This is a question that I wrestle with. I believe in applying that 10% to my life, but how? Sleep is at a premium as it is and lately, with the allergies being in FULL force, it's a struggle to get out of bed on a daily basis, get everyone up and ready and out the door and I can't even fathom waking up an hour or two earlier to squeeze more time in with God than the sad little amount I already spend on Him.

Not to mention, now that Dave has moved here and we're getting used to actually NOT having a long distance relationship for the first time in 19 years, I'm kind of loathe to kick him out of the house early or to leave his place early on the nights my mom is generous enough to watch the kids so that he and I can spend a couple of hours together after I get the kids fed. Granted, I'm home by 10 or shortly after that and the kids love being around him when he's at the house or I bring them over to his apartment for a few hours on the weekend, etc., but it seems like there's just so much going on right now.

And what does one do in that 10% of the day? How do I fill that time? It's an awful long time for prayer. While I love to read, I can't see reading the Bible for that long each day, and what happens when I've read through the Bible? What then?

So here's my sort of solution...

I am going to start doing devotionals such as the "Power of a Praying..." series by Stormie Omartian. Those are very thought provoking and sometimes difficult devotionals, but ones that are eternally worth it as it teaches me HOW to pray for others, especially my children and my (potential) future spouse. In them I have also gotten the workbooks and prayer books and have started a journal to put the insights that God has given me while answering the questions or reading the chapters. I'm hoping to be able to go back when I am done with the series of different books and see how I've grown or changed from where I first started from in them.

I am also determined to read through the Bible, front to back, for the first time ever this year. I say I'm going to do it every year, and every year...I don't. I can spend the time I would normally spend at the end of a long day, in my bed, reading the Bible instead of a fiction novel or political book. It may be 5 minutes, it may be 30 minutes. I have no set schedule or time frame or chapter limit per day. Just that I want to get it done THIS year.

Lunch time can be spent reading my devotionals, reading the Bible, praying for whatever burdens God has placed on my heart, whether about my own life or for someone else.

In the grand scheme of things...2.4 hours out of a 24 hour day is such a small slice of the pie to give to God, when we spend so much time on other pursuits. Out of an entire year, that's only 876 hours out of the 8760 hours that we are all given. Small amount. But how much more could your life be enriched spiritually by just giving that 10% to God? How much more could you enrich other's lives from the truths and blessings you receive from that time spent with God?

How much more time do we spend on our own (worldly) leisurely pursuits that have nothing to do with God? Shouldn't He get just as much time, if not much more? What would happen if we pursued our outside interests FOR God instead of apart from God? What would happen if we pursued God with every bit as much interest as we pursue our outside interests? How much would our lives change? How much richer would they be in terms of what really matters?

Just a thought...

Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. Psalm 37:5

Commit yourself and all that you do to the LORD, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

Biblical Motherhood: Week Four/Day Three Who Gains?

(My apologies for being away from this for sooooo long! Life happens, but I will pick up where I left off and continue to post on this as I can. You can read the introduction to this 8 week study here. You can also click the tag at the bottom of this post and all of the Biblical Motherhood posts will be shown to you.)

Who Gains?

Today you may want to ask the Lord to do a special healing in your life! To do that, He must have access to your wound. It will be worth the cost to be close to Him.

"'For I will restore health to you And heal you of your wounds,' says the Lord,"
Jeremiah 30:17.

At times, as mothers we may wonder if our unrest is caused by our loved ones. We may feel bitterness toward them and not recognize it, or not know what to do with it. While it may be difficult to do so, we will uncover the end of the attitude of resentment in the life of a mother. Her condition may be related to the difficulty of raising children, even toward her husband for not supporting her in the way she would find most helpful. It may be that she has had hardship and feels that the Lord has abandoned her when she most needed Him; she doesn’t think He is predictable enough for her to trust Him. Maybe she sees her role as wife and mother from God as an unfair burden rather than a blessing. Whatever the case, the Word of God seems to slide right off of her heart, and she finds herself taking care of her own needs, or at least trying to, but not making a lot of headway.

We find some of the traits of this old nature described for us in the prophets. In the book of Lamentations, Jeremiah is writing to the people of God who have been afflicted by their own sin, yet they did not heed God’s warnings and finally were invaded and conquered by Babylon.

In Lamentations 2:9 we read of the city’s broken condition. Among the things listed, we find, “...the Law is no more,...” You may recall that as parents, a father is given the privilege by God of leading and teaching the family to know the Lord, and as a mother is a help meet for her husband, she is qualified by God to assist him in the work. This begins at infancy, holding, feeding, bathing and changing diapers, smiling and talking to a little baby, and grows in specifics as a child grows and has different needs. “No, no, honey, that isn’t yours,” is actually the teaching of God’s law of love. Setting the boundaries for a child and enforcing obedience when they cross them is the work of a mother. All the time, the Biblical mother’s goal is to reach their heart in Jesus’ name, and it is done while a child is young by teaching them right from wrong and the pleasure of choosing the right. But in Lamentations, we find that this training is gone from the people of Jerusalem; as it is written, “...the Law is no more,...”

Because of this, in Lamentations 2:12, what do the children ask for and from whom?


From this verse, what is happening to the life of the children?


Please find Matthew 26:26-28, and John 6:51,54. Jesus says that He, indeed, constitutes real nourishment! What is the meaning (in the realm of the spirit) of the nourishment for which the children are crying out?


See Lamentations 4:4, and also John 6:57. What might it mean to “break bread” for the young children?


In Lamentations 2:20, we read, “Should the women eat their offspring, the children they have cuddled?” Lamentations 4:10 says, “The hands of the compassionate women have cooked their own children; they became food for them in the destruction of the daughter of my people.” As their enemies sieged the cities of God’s people, the Israelites were starved to the point of such agony that they did the unthinkable, what they never would have entertained otherwise. These desperate women let their children’s lives be destroyed for their own attempt at survival. They devoured instead of sacrificing themselves, using their children’s lives to gain strength for themselves.

In this time and place, how might a mother’s struggle in her own life cause her to put her survival and well-being ahead of her child?


When we put the demands of this life as priority over giving the knowledge of God to our children, the devourer eats away in the unseen places of our souls. If our reputation means more to us than training up our children, we will be concerned with how we are coming across rather than what the Lord is showing us through them. If we are rushed, we won’t spend the time together, or hear the thoughts of our children in the midst of daily life. Yet it is often through those times together that the Lord would expose the place of hunger in the heart. Are you trusting someone else to give your child the ‘bread and wine’ of the knowledge of Jesus? Who will live His love before them in the daily goings on of this life? Who will teach them of His sacrifice and His resurrection power if you won’t?


And how will your life be healed if you decide to willingly follow society’s dictates and not hear the Lord?


It is never God’s heart to destroy His children, so when you read the prophets you must understand that He allows spiritual bondage in order to cause His own to cry out to Him and look at Him to save them. Fellowship with us is so precious to God that He died to gain it. So take to heart that He longs for His children and will go to great lengths to win us back. Eternal treasure is more valuable in His sight than temporal comfort.

If we will not come to Him, our lives will be tainted by waste, but not because of His lack of effort to turn us from our destructive ways. With this in mind, read Hosea 4:4-6.

A priest was to talk to God about the people; a prophet was to talk to the people from God, and mothers were to teach their children to know the Lord from infancy. What brought destruction into their lives (verse 6)?


Please read Hosea 4:5,6 with 5:7. “Pagan” is also translated “strange” from the original Hebrew. God says that it was the parents who dealt treacherously with Him by bringing up their children to be pagan, strange children. How did that happen? The things that God gave to them they began to use to exalt themselves. Their New Moon festival had been instituted by God Himself as celebration and worship to Him, but when people began to worship the ritual, or even the moon itself, they forfeited the peace and heritage that God would lavish on them. How do you think God feels as He says, “Because you have forgotten the law of your God, I also will forget your children”?


The Lord grieves over those who will not come to Him! He longs for us, and would gather us to Himself to love, protect and heal us!

From Hosea 7:13 we read, “Woe to them, for they have fled from Me! Destruction to them, because they have transgressed against Me! Though I redeemed them, yet they have spoken lies against Me. They did not cry out to Me with their heart when they wailed upon their beds.”

The Lord watches over the responses of the people, and His grief is evident. He says that in fleeing from Him instead of to Him, there will be woe and destruction waiting for them. He says that He has already redeemed them, but they have rejected Him by speaking lies about Him. How does one speak lies against God? This is how: to say that God demands more than we are able to live up to. Living in a way to attempt to “appease an angry God” is a lie against God. It totally ignores the cross and the Way God has made. It looks only to human (self) effort. Often it is the case that the person who accuses God of anger is actually the one who is angry at God.

The “father of lies” is Satan, and he is continually accusing us before God, and he even accuses God before us. Can you identify any lie(s) he has wanted you to believe about God?


Note that the people “wailed upon their beds.” They were grieved and heartsick; they were broken in heart! But they didn’t cry out to God. To cry out to God requires humility, an acknowledgment that one who is needy is coming to The Answer. It is our natural born arrogance that keeps us from telling the truth about, or crying out to, God.

God knows that the eternal end of man is separation from Himself in hell except for the Way that He made Himself. Please also read Hosea 5:15. When you understand the loving heart of God better, these verses become a cry of warning! He is not angry because He’s not getting the attention He wants. He is God who shouts out across the span of all time with His agonizing, victorious cry, “It is finished!” He calls all men, “Come to Me! Come to Me and escape your certain future of destruction! Turn to Me; I will heal you!” Yet He will not force anyone to come.

1 Timothy 2:15 says, “Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.” The words “will be saved” in the Greek is sozo, pronounced “sode’-zo” meaning to save, deliver or protect: heal, preserve, save (self), do well, be (make) whole.”

How can God use your motherhood experience to protect, deliver, and heal you?


Please read Isaiah 48:18 and make note of the benefits of a mother’s obedience to God’s heart to bring up their children to know Him. (Keep in mind that waves are caused by wind, a picture of the Holy Spirit.)

There are promises from the Lord for those who build the walls of their house on the foundation of God’s Word. Please read Isaiah 54:11-14. What does He promise?


Please copy verse 13 here:





Remember that the Lord goes before you (Deuteronomy 31:6)! Wherever you go, He has already been there. He has won the essential battle, but the wage for territory still remains our training ground. This battle is for an area in our soul (life), delivered from the enemy’s purpose to the purpose of our King! We now fight from a position of rest, trust, in His victory.

If you find that you are afraid, decide where to place your trust, and by an act of will, tell Jesus you are giving Him your faith. Copy Psalm 56:3 to take courage!

For further encouragement, the Lord has given us Isaiah 51:12. It gives us His perspective on the matter. Please look it up and pray it in!

You have many promises from God; some you will find in this study, all you will find in God’s Word. Isaiah 49:15, 16 tells you that you are always on God’s mind.

Please write it here:




Not only will the Lord go before you and never forget you, but He also promises you that He will fight for you! Isaiah 49:25, “For I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your children.” He has issues with anyone who comes against you when you are His child, and your children have the attention of His heart! If you will walk in obedience with Him, He will meet you at that first step with all the power of heaven to see that you are able to do what He calls you to do. And He will use you to draw your children to Himself!

If you are encouraged, thank God! If you are heartsick, pray! Repentance must start with one who will humble herself before God and agree with Him. You will find healing there at the foot of the cross.

Please write James 4:10. (You don’t need to lift yourself up. God will!)



“Come, and let us return to the Lord; For He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up. After two days He will revive us; On the third day He will raise us up, That we may live in His sight. Let us know, Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord. His going forth is established as the morning; He will come to us like the rain, Like the latter and former rain to the earth,” Hosea 6:1-3.

Please come with me to bring it all before the Lord:

Dear Father, Thank You that You intend healing for Your children, though it means that we be offended first. Your Word goes deep into the heart where everything is visible to You. Nothing is hidden from Your sight. Please cleanse me from my fear. Help me to care about my children, and their eternity. Give me strength to take a stand upon Your Word. Oh, Lord, I trust that You meet Your servants where we are needy, where we choose to trust You. Right here is that place for me. I surrender it to You and wait for Your deliverance. In Jesus’ saving name I pray, A-men.

Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life

Close to the beginning of this year I wondered how to trust and love again after the shocking revelation that my now ex-husband had not only been having an affair, but had been living with her in another city, as well as admitting to drug use over the span of the last 2 1/2 years of our lives together. I posted, "God is the ONLY reason that I have the strength that I do. That I can look forward to my future. That I can look forward to loving again when the right person comes along." God's strength and His grace is sufficient for all times, all situations.

Well, the right person came along a heck of a lot sooner than expected. He is, and always has been, my very favorite ex-boyfriend and we dated back in 92-93. The only one I've dated that never had anything wrong with him in some way. It was my misguided youth that pushed him away. That turned my back and walked away. I thought he was "too good" for me. And I was terrified he would never leave the family farm up in Iowa. While I AM a country girl, I'm not exactly farmer's wife material.

We reconnected this year, shortly after I announced my divorce. Actually, we'd reconnected in January of last year, renewing our friendship and discovering a mutual love of many surprising things, but he made the first step to call this year after hearing about the divorce.

Things were different this time. Faster, stronger, better... I asked my mom if she was surprised at the speed of how things were going. She said, "not really". When I asked why, she said that it was because the love that we'd always had for each other had never really died. And she's right. He told me that he's never stopped loving me...in 19 years. He says that if he'd have been a little more bold, a little more brave, he would have asked me to marry him back then.

It wouldn't have lasted because back then. I know this and so does he. I was incapable of being able to TRULY appreciate the goodness, the tender heart and genuine sweet spirit of him, like I am able to now, after all I've been though in the past 15 or so years.

He's always been, "My Dave"...whenever I would speak of him. "My Dave". I've never thought of him as anything else but "mine".

I have to laugh at that a little because I'd asked him back in October how how I'd gotten so lucky to have his love not once but twice in a lifetime. "You're my Nicole"...that was his answer. Sweet, simple, to the point...and beautiful. It brought me to tears. It's really quite possibly the BEST response to a question I've had in pretty much ever. To have his love is...amazing...HE is amazing! ♥

So, I wrote this for him and every word rings true...

“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.

I love you for the part of me that you bring out; I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern but a temple; out of the works of my every day, not a reproach but a song.

I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy.

You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign. You have done it by being yourself...”
~ Roy Croft

And that simply is the most wonderful man that I know.

I am the woman who has been blessed to have known incomparable love twice in a lifetime...by the same man. I am the woman who always dreamed of having a fairy tale love, who melts at the words from her favorite movie (The Princess Bride), “This is true love, you think this happens every day?” and who has always hoped to find a love like that in real life...a Storybook Love. I am the woman who has been through the extreme pain of disappointments, letdowns and tears in other relationships, not sure if I would ever find someone who loved me for ME. Who would love ONLY me. For whom I, by myself, would be enough.

I am the woman who put up walls, not to keep everyone out, but to see who cared enough to try and break them down. I am the woman who found the one man in the world who didn’t even have to try to break them down, because with him, there are not and have never been any walls, no barriers, no trying to see if he is worthy of my trust, because he’s always had my trust and with him, there has never been a reason for walls to exist in the first place. I am the woman who calls him my miracle. My Gift from God.

I am the woman foolish enough to have let him go 18 years ago, and the woman extremely thankful to have him back in my life 18 years later. I am the woman he never stopped loving, for whom I AM enough, more than enough, and for that, I am eternally grateful and thankful beyond words. I am the woman who has freely given him her heart. Without hesitation. Without reservation. Without strings or games. Because my heart is his. It belongs to him. And I know that it will always be safe and cherished and treasured with him, as his is with me. As he is, by me.

I couldn’t ask to be loved more completely, more honestly, more beautifully than I am by the love that he has for me. How lucky am I to be deeply, crazily, madly, head over heels in love with my best friend? I am truly blessed beyond measure and I am thankful to God every day and every night for the incredible gift of him and our love.

I can't wait for the start of our forever, for my life with him to begin...

I am the woman who loves him above all others and who is his, and his alone. ♥

Fin

And the biggest news of all...though he lives in the Kansas City area...he is moving here in less than 3 weeks for me and the kids. He is getting his own apartment...has his own apartment. He's never lived with anyone because that's just not him. Not once have we ever crossed the line, back then or now. He's worth doing this right. He asked me back in September if I believed that God had brought us back together, to which I replied, "yes, absolutely". And then he said that he wants to honor what it is that God has given us and do this right between us. I love him for that. Crazy chemistry between us? Absolutely! But we both believe that God's blessings are better and brighter if we follow what He says is right. What a man! What a miracle... What a love! And BOY! What a story!

Enjoy the pictures!

Us in 92:


(Last time we saw each other in 94)

Present day (2011)

(First time we'd seen each other in 17 years)

It's all about Irish Stew today1

Hmmmmm, what to do today on this drizzly day. I know! I think I'll make my Irish stew! It's quite delicious and will be ready for the next two very chilly, rainy days here! And it's perfect for all my friends in the frigid Midwest/Northeast. If y'all are of a mind for an easy and tasty meal that will fill you up, keep you warm and make your tastebuds sing, well, here you go. Happy Saturday!

Nic's Unbelievably Tasty Irish Stew

¼ cup olive oil
1 ½ pounds stew beef, cut into 1-inch pieces (I prefer buffalo stew meat)
6 large garlic cloves, minced
6 cups beef stock or canned beef broth
2 cups of Guinness beer (I tend to just put in one can)
1 ½ cup of good red wine (I typically go for a Cab or Cab-Merlot blend)
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon herbes de provence (basically a bunch of dried herbs pre-mixed - found in the spice aisle)
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
2 bay leaves
2 tablespoons (¼ stick) butter
3 pounds russet potatoes, peeled, cut into ½ -inch pieces (about 7 cups)
1 large onion, chopped (if someone has onion allergies onion powder can be used instead)
2 cups ½-inch pieces peeled carrots
1 ½ containers quartered fresh white mushrooms
2 cups sliced celery
Salt and Pepper (after simmering through add approx 1 ½ teaspoons of salt - I use sea salt b/c it's helathier for blood pressure issues than regular salt)

1. Heat olive oil in heavy large pot over medium-high heat. Add beef and sauté until brown on all sides, about 5 minutes. Add garlic and sauté 1 minute. Add beef stock, Guinness, red wine, tomato paste, sugar, herbes de provence, Worcestershire sauce and bay leaves. Stir to combine. Bring mixture to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, then cover and simmer 2-3 hours, stirring occasionally.

2. While the meat and stock are simmering, melt butter in another large pot over medium heat. Add mushrooms, celery, potatoes, onion and carrots. Sauté vegetables until golden, about 20 minutes.

3. Add vegetables to beef stew. Simmer uncovered until vegetables and beef are very tender (minimum 1 hour). Discard bay leaves. Tilt pan and spoon off fat.

Can be prepared up to 2 days ahead. Salt and pepper to taste. Cool slightly. Refrigerate uncovered until cold, then cover and refrigerate. Bring to simmer before serving. Transfer stew to serving bowl (or individual bread bowls) and serve.

Hint: To thicken a little add some plain instant potato flakes or you can bake and mash some fresh and add to the stew.

Hint: A sourdough bread bowl is the perfect container to serve this delicious stew in!