STOP IT!

Can I get an AMEN on this? This is one of my biggest pet peeves and a HUGE stick in my craw. Even pastors living in the GRAY and leading their congregation into the gray shades use this line to excuse the sin in others..."It's ok...God knows your heart".

IT'S NOT OK! So just STOP IT!

If you claim to know Jesus then you need to live like it. Plain and simple. God is a BLACK and WHITE God. He does not allow room for shades of gray. He died for you. It it too much for you to live for Him?

Rather be Single

Being out of a relationship for right at a year now, there are definite things I miss about being in a relationship. But sometimes love, no matter how strong, is just not enough. Sometimes the differences are just too great and people don’t want to compromise or bend or grow or you find out that you didn't have as much in common as you originally thought.

So you let go, you move on, and you work on becoming the right person for the RIGHT person because a successful relationship does not depend solely on *finding* the right person, but on *being* the right person. Working on oneself to become the right person is not easy...kind of hard at times, in fact, but you have to take an honest look at yourself and realize the one common denominator in your failed relationships is...you. Yes, most of the time it takes two to make or break a relationship, but, fact of the matter is that something wasn’t right on either side.

What made me choose...unwisely...each time? Why didn't any of the relationships last? Digging deep and being brutally honest, I’ve come to understand where I went wrong in my choices and why and now it’s about changing myself to make sure that

1. I don’t make those choice mistakes again and
2. that I am no longer that person. Besides, I know that when all is said and done, I won't be single forever.

After all, the BEST is waiting for me to be ready to handle everything I've been praying for. But, being single, for someone who truly enjoys being part of a couple, is not exactly my cup of tea - and single parent dating is rough! However, I know this much, from what I have learned in my experiences, I have come to realize that at the end of the day I would much rather be single right now than be with the wrong person. For myself and for my children.

It's about doing the right thing

You hear the sayings...probably have since you were a kid.

"Do what is right not what is easy"
"Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it. Right is right even if nobody is doing it"
"Always do the right thing because it's the right thing to do...PERIOD!"
Let me ask you a question. Do you find it easier to do the right thing or the wrong thing?

If you find yourself struggling with that, rest assured, you're not alone. Doing what you know you shouldn't was a big burden for the Apostle Paul. In Romans 7:15-19 he says "I don't understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the wrong things I do not want to do...this I keep on doing."

I know that for me, the more I have grown spiritually, the harder it is for me to consciously do the things that I know to be wrong or displeasing in God's sight. It is almost like nails on a chalkboard to my soul. And my mind and spirit nags at me when I do consciously choose to do the wrong thing to the point where I'm miserable until I go and correct the wrong.

So why be miserable? Why do what you know to be wrong in the first place?

Yes, often it is easier to do the wrong thing but part of growing up and maturing...not just in spiritual matters but in life...means taking responsibility for your actions. It may be hard. It may not be popular. You may be the only one doing it. But do the RIGHT thing anyway.

Be the example you want your kids to see and grow up to emulate. Choose to do RIGHT always!

A life of transformation

God has really started a big work in me. The first weekend in January I went to a www.Oneand2.com conference in Dallas. What happened to me was nothing less than mind blowing. Suffice it to say, that weekend was one of the most significantly impactful, intense and transformative weekends of my life. I'm not sure exactly what my expectations for this weekend were...I will just say that they were shattered. This is one of THOSE moments in life where you know that everything you knew or thought you knew and everything that you had been about and lived for is forever changed. So many will never understand. It's ok. It's about living out the change in all areas of your life. It's about being different b/c you have become different. For those who it has happened to it is one of the most profound moments of your life. Everything's changed. Thank God... :-D Romans 12:1-2

39 years on this earth...35 of them in Christ...and this is the first time I feel truly TRANSFORMED and FREE! It was a heavy, heavy weekend with much discussion on generational curses, “soul ties” with others you have been sexually involved with etc. and breaking those. And my experience in the breaking of them in my life that Saturday evening was profound, absolutely chilling at one point and in the next freeing beyond anything I have ever known or felt! And there was a point in that experience where I had to fight from crying that ugly donkey cry in front of 200+ people. You know the one...you don't want to open your mouth for fear that your sobs will sound like a donkey braying. LOL!

My encounter with God that weekend was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Even Emily said when I got home, "Who are you and what have you done with my mom? You're different. Like really different. You're happy. Kind of giddy happy, but happy happy. You're just different." I feel lighter, but heavier at the same time. The heavier is more like a deep profound feeling and weight of increased awareness, but I feel the absence of the weight inside of the very center of my chest, that I didn’t even realize it was there until it was gone, and filled with the most buoyant, light, carefree feeling I’ve ever experienced. My mom said that it was the Holy Spirit truly dwelling in me and being given free reign instead of always fighting with Him and myself with my worldly desires and selfishness of what *I* wanted.

She said that this is the breakthrough that she’s been praying for for me for years and years. There is such a difference in the way that I am processing things, that I am responding and reacting to things and how I am treating others. I SEE them differently. I SEE my responsibilities differently. Was I saved before? Absolutely no doubt that I was...but I never had that OH MY WOW experience that others have talked about having until that weekend.

During that weekend I was told by 3 completely different people, only one of those who even knew me, that they saw me going into ministry of some kind and helping others. My mom has been saying the same thing to me over the past years.

How God works and His timing is incredible to me. Why not before now? I don’t know. I guess it just became where I got to the point that I had to willingly give up my own fight and truly lay myself down on the alter at His feet and just say, “I truly surrender all. I’m done. I don’t want to do this with only part of You. Not my will but Yours...and not just ‘Your will for my life’ but ‘Your will...period. End of sentence.’”. It’s incredible what happens when you stop trying to fit God into the box of your life. Even a couple of months later I still feel like crying over the profoundness of it all...but the good kind of cry. LOL!

Who are YOUR closest 5?

It is said that you are who your 5 closest friends are...your belief, your work habits, your income, and your family life....so the question is, Are you happy with that?
I absolutely hate to admit it, but this is why I no longer have the contact now with those I used to be very close to that I once had. While I still love them dearly, I find that my interests, my goals, my dreams, my life have all changed radically over the past couple of years and these past several months especially. I’ve changed. God’s really been working in me personally and what I once found enthralling and chased after, it matters not to me now.

I prefer to spend time with my children, who are at a stage in life where they need me to BE THERE for various reasons. My 11 year old daughter looks up to me and learns the example that I teach her, and I have to be careful that my actions are measuring up to my words if I want her to be a young woman of character and quality. Regardless of what the joke is...life with children IS a do as I do and not just what I say. Monkey see, monkey do. My 3 year old son needs quality and quantity time with his mommy. Boys need a mother who is engaged and interested in them, because, quite frankly, a mom is the most important person in a boy's life and these are his developmental years. Who I am is the kind of person he will end up looking for in a wife. As a general rule, the saying is true, girls look for their fathers and boys look for their mothers...though there ARE exceptions to this. As a single mother, my daughter may not have a great father to look up to, but she can learn the kind of woman to become by watching me.

The cuddles and hugs and laughter and memories made with my children are infinitely more important to me than going out to a bar. These are the memories and traditions that will linger on, long after I am but a memory. I’m good with being mostly a homebody these days b/c these times with my children can’t be taken back. Once they’re gone, they’re gone and as Aerosmith sings “I don’t want to miss a thing”.

Does that mean that I don’t take time for myself? Goodness no! I just prefer to do it in a more relaxed atmosphere once in a while or go out to listen to some great live music on occasion. And I absolutely love tubing with my friends during the summer. That’s some good Texas fun, right there!!! I might go out with friends one night a week a couple weeks in a row and others I might not go out at all for several weeks and, frankly, while I absolutely love to dance still, bars no longer hold the interest that they once did so my experiences in them is extremely limited now. Literally now only for a friend’s concert or a benefit event. I’m perfectly ok with that because I’ve changed. And I’m happy with the change in me. I’m content.

I have to be entirely honest and say that I don't even think I can count 5 friends who I am truly close to anymore. I have a lot of friends that I truly love dearly, as mentioned above...but genuinely CLOSE friends??? I can think of 3 off the top of my head. They're all diverse in their stage/station in life, and my mom is one.

People I look up to, learn from, take advice from and work on emulating, however...I have a lot more than just 5. And as I continue to work on myself and becoming a better person and building a better life for my children and a better future for us, I know that I will end up being able to say that those people I choose to have as my mentors will end up leading me to find like-minded people that grow in to the close friend category.

You are who you hang out with, what you listen to, what you read, who you look up to and learn from. Where you are right now, what does that say about where your future is headed? Be honest with yourself. When you look in the mirror, are you content and happy with the person you see staring back at you? If not, why not? (Rhetorical question there – answer to yourself). Me? I’m happy. I’m content. Finally. But I have a drive that is starting to build in me, a fire that has caught and is starting to burn for me to become better...more...GREATER. I will get there b/c it’s too important to me and not getting there is not an option for myself or my children.  

Why I make the choices I do:

So much on my mind

So, I have a lot to pray about and think about and work toward. As some of y'all know, my work is getting so stressful to the point where I dread getting out of bed every morning. But, I am thankful to have a job, in this economy, and I am thankful to have benefits and great co-workers...it's just other factors in it that are stressing me to the max and the fact that I am not able to be there for my kids as I would like. But...again...I am so incredibly thankful to have a job right now when there are so many who I know that are struggling to find one, and my prayers are with them that God will provide richly for them.

I love my secondary job with AdvoCare that I do from home right now and hope to turn that into full time within the next year or so. This past weekend they had "Success School" that I was unable to attend this time but they had over 13,000 people attend. On Sunday there was an optional church service in the Ft. Worth convention center. You might think that only a handful would show up. No, I was told that it was completely filled to capacity and I saw the pictures, and it was. Many of the key leaders in this company are very strong and committed Christians, several are pastors or involved in their church in some pivotal way. My team in Texas is extremely involved in their respective churches. I love that! They have tickets for 20,000 for the next Success School in February...less than 500 are left. Tickets just went on sale Sunday.

Additionally, when I went "home" to Iowa and Minnesota this past week for a family reunion – first one in 19 years that didn't involve a funeral – not only did Emily and Nate love it, I also started to feel the tug of maybe that's where we belong. Emily loved the small towns and wants to live in the country where life is slower paced, people know each other and everyone is more "God oriented" – this coming from a 10 year old who's lived in the big city all her life...shocking, right?! She loved it so much so, and the chance to be around family on the farms and in the small towns, that she started getting stomach issues (she has a nervous stomach) when we started heading back to Texas. She wanted to stay there. In fact, she wants to live in Dave's parent's farm house and on their farm. LOL!

Dave's family very much wants me/us/the kids up there, as well as my cousins...the ones who live in the area...and there are MANY. I think that all of us would seriously thrive up there, but it's scary as all get out thinking about it, especially when I've never moved from Austin and have lived there all my life. Then there's my church that I so greatly love... Plus, Dave just moved down to Texas, yadda, yadda, etc. While he and I are no longer dating, we are each other's absolute best friends, we do everything together, and yes, we still love each other with all of our hearts, it's just that the timing isn't right...but I'm pretty sure that if I moved somewhere else, he would follow. 

It seems that the older I get, the more mature I become, both spiritually and in life, and the less I find I have in common with my group of friends and I've been drifting from them for a while now. I don't love them any less, I just have much less in common with them than I did a few years ago. There's less tying me to Austin than there's ever been. The only negative is that my mom probably wouldn't move with us up there. She says she loves to visit, but she doesn't want to always have to "be on someone else's schedule".

I just have so much to bring before God in prayer...so much. And I have to make sure that I truly LISTEN to what He tells me. Who knows, maybe we'll be gone *in the blink of an eye* before then, but right now, I know that I have to do something to work on being able to be a work from home mom. The kids need me and I need to be there for them. Maybe that is here in Austin for the long(er) haul.

I posted the following on FB yesterday. I wanted to post it here too. It seems, to me that the more I talk about it, the more accountability I have, the more I am determined to make it a reality.

I have dreams...BIG dreams...that I've been thinking a lot about on this last week's family vacation and I have some hard work and dedication up ahead to turn those dreams into reality, but it WILL happen...make no mistake. I have my VISION, my GOALS, my DETERMINATION and most importantly my WHY. The only thing standing in my way is me. Change my mindset and I change my path. I change my path and I change my destiny. I change my destiny and I change my legacy and that of my family. Challenge myself, my mind, my body. Challenge myself to change my life.

I want that destiny and legacy for myself and my family to be a Godly one full of promise, and I feel maybe I'm being called from Austin to elsewhere in order to accomplish that in full. I just don't know where, but it might be back "home" to Iowa, specifically. At least that's where I feel a tug but God will guide me, I just need to listen, and listen with an open mind and an open heart, which is the hardest for me to do, when I'm so "self sufficient" because I've had to be in order to take care of myself and my kids. I have the utmost trust and faith in God that He will provide for us, but it's hard for me to step out on that faith because I can't see where it leads. 

A great analogy from a phone call that I was on last night at 9:00 with the national team put it this way. There is a difference between a front flip on a trampoline and a back flip on a trampoline. The front flip is so much more difficult, but that's the one that most people do because they can see where they're going. It's stable and predictable...but incredibly hard to do. The back flip is exponentially easier to do, but so few try it because they can't see where they're going.

It's the same way in life. So many people do the same thing, day in, day out because it's stable and that's all they know and they can see where the stable, predictable life will lead, even though it is harder to trudge through a job they hate, or a life that is lacking...life. They do it anyway. If they stepped out on faith, with God's help, even though it is scarier because they can't see where they're headed, it actually is easier to do the unknown and put that hard work into it in order to reap the rewards that will come.

Even when I was in gymnastics and did springboard diving, I always went for the back flips. So I guess I already have that ingrained in me. LOL! One thing I do know...If you don't focus on building YOUR OWN dreams for you and your kids and family, you will always be hired to build someone else's dreams. 

Just have to step out and do it if it is where God leads me. There are a lot of obstacles in the way to get there, but if it's where God is leading, then He WILL provide the way. 

Trust...so easy to say...so hard to do

Have you ever just had "one of those times" where it seems that everything you want is within reach and then it starts to crumble? I've been going through a REALLY tough time since early, early Wednesday morning. It's personal. It's taking a toll on me. It really sucks. It's nothing life threatening, just emotionally painful. It's a struggle to make it through the days with such limited sleep. About 5 ½ hours since I finally got in bed around 6 a.m. yesterday morning. I feel like a zombie. And it's especially difficult to be dealing with this on my own, so to speak, with no buffer between myself and the kids. My mom is out of town for a few days so I am putting up a brave front for them but it gets tiring. But, as always, I have to be the strong one.

But God has my back. He's told me so in no uncertain terms. I'm a firm believer that if God says something twice, He's really trying to tell me something – just as my pastor says – if God says something in the Bible more than once, He's trying to get our attention on that subject.

And I agree 100% on that...HOWEVER...if God tells me something SEVEN times...I'd better be listening, understanding and obeying.

All of the below posts are from around 7 or 8 last night through around 11 this morning. All of them from friends who know nothing about what is going on in my life. But POOF, there they were at different times. SCREAMING at me to LOOK and PAY ATTENTION.

As I said...SEVEN posts on the same theme...I'm being given a "God Smack" right upside my head.

3/28 FB Post: Picture: "My child, you worry too much, I've got this, remember? Love, God"

3/28 FB Post: So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

3/28 FB Post: "Doubt less, more Faith "

3/29 FB Post:
Don’t Be Troubled
TODAY’S VERSE
“Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.”
I Corinthians 15:58
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. ”
John 14:1
TODAY’S THOUGHT
In life we will have trials. We will have struggles. To grow is to stretch ourselves. With this come risks. So we step out in faith; and even then, we can have times of fear, doubt and anxiety. Many times we avoid conflict, hide from our struggles or simply try to escape pain through various ways. We can try and ignore our pressures but sooner or later avoidance won’t work anymore. We have to face the situation we find ourselves in. The good news is that God is faithful. He knows our struggles, He knows our limitations. Paul the Apostle encourages us, because of the love and power of God, to stand firm and let nothing move us. Jesus encourages us not to let our hearts be troubled by believing in God who is almighty and all loving. God is for us. He loves us. He is our strength. So today, stand firm, put all your trust in God. Exercise your faith and give all your struggles, trials and temptations to Him.
TODAY’S PRAYER
Father, You know all about my situation. You know my worries, fears and anxious thoughts. Help me stand firm. Help my heart not to be troubled. I do believe in You, dear God. I come now and trust You with all my life.
AMEN
TODAY’S MEDITATION & AFFIRMATION
I will trust in God
Feel yourself being weighed down by trials and tribulation. You burden is so heavy. You are at the end of your rope when you remember to call out to Jesus. You cry out to Him and decide to stand firm letting nothing move you from your resolve to trust God. You feel you burden become lighter. You sense that God is giving you strength to live for Him. You affirm, “I will trust in God!”

3/29 Tweet: "And once again I say... NO MAN can open a door God has already SHUT nor can they SHUT a door that God has already OPENED #DEPENDENTonHIM"

3/29 Retweet: "If anyone has had a rough day: 1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you ". (This actually goes with what a dear friend told me yesterday that God was telling her to tell me to read, which was all of 1 and 2 Peter. This retweet is by someone who also doesn't know my other friend who told me that. How's that for a READ THIS NOW!?)

3/29 Tweet: Tough times? The reason why GOD gave the assignment to you and not to someone else, maybe because HE TRUSTS YOU with the task!

All of these random, posts, all with a central theme all for me. DON'T WORRY...so easy to say...so hard to do, but I'm trying. It's hard but I'm really trying. I'm a worrier by nature. I constantly feel like I HAVE to be in control of my life b/c it's so hard to give over that control to anyone else. On this earthly realm I've never really been able to depend on anyone but my mom and myself and my best friend, MC. Everyone else has let me down in some form or fashion.

God has proven time and again that He is nothing but FAITHFUL to the very end...but my human nature and propensity for worrying is so strong that God really does have to "hit me upside the head" a la "Gibbs" style with these messages. (Those of you who watch NCIS, will get the reference there)

So, God, I'm trying to give that control over to You. It's painful for me to do, so please be patient, as You have already been. But please know that I'm trying. I'm listening and I'm trying.

I love You... ♥♥