Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

They're Baaaaaack! Church Bulletin Bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
7. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
18. Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.
19. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
20. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
21. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
22. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
23. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
24. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
25. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
26. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
27. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
28. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
29. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
30. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
31. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
32. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
33.Ushers will eat latecomers.
34. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
35. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
36. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
37. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
38. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
39. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
40. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
41. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.
42. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
43. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
45. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
46. On a church postcard:
I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I would like a personal call.
47. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
48. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
49. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
50. The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
51. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
52. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
53. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
54. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
55. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
56. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
57. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
58. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
59. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
60. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
61. Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith.
62. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
63. Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
64. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
65. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
66. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.
67. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
68. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
69. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
70. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
71. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
72. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
73. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
74. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
75. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
76. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
77. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
78. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
79. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
80. Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
81. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
82. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
83. Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
84. Don't forget that elections for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess will be held at next month's business meeting
85. There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
86. Child care provided with reservations.
87. I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me drink.
88. The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.
89. Boars of Trustees
90. We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
91. The activity will take place on the church barking lot.
92. Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord.
93. New Missionaries: Tim is a pilot and flies missionaries and supplies
into the bush.
94. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
95. We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
96. Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water-baptized on the table in the foyer.
97. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
98. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
99. For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
100. We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let’s sing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow.”
101. Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
102. Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
103. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
104. Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
105. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor’s candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
106. Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.
107. “There will be no Moms Who Care this week.”
108. This one said during the congregational prayer when leading prayer for our unsaved loved ones: Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.
109. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
110. A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the servant appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please come to the church office.
111. Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.
112. The ladies in the style show will meet with their dresses down in front after morning worship.
113. A worm welcome to all who have come today.
114. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...
115. [explaining why all but one bell of the church carillon is not working] "...its lone peal will summon the faithful to worship while the others are being dismantled and repaired."

6 comments:

WILLIAM said...

That was great. I only got through the first 20 or so. I will be back.

WILLIAM said...

#58 is my favorite.

No_Newz said...

All I have to add is God bless Yoda and all of the fine Church Ladies of this world!
Oh yeah and happy mother's day to all the mommies!
Lois Lane

LJ said...

Funny stuff! I think God has a sense of humor, don't you? I bet He loves this stuff!

Nic said...

Lois and LJ: Hey chicka ladies! Yes, LJ, God definitely has a sense of humor. Look at the manatee and the Chinesse crested dog. LOL!

Susie said...

And the platypus!
Very enjoyable; I want to swipe them for my pastor. Thank you for coming to visit me and making my comments page so much more enjoyable. Happy Mother's Day!