39 years on this earth...35 of them in Christ...and this is the first time I feel truly TRANSFORMED and FREE! It was a heavy, heavy weekend with much discussion on generational curses, “soul ties” with others you have been sexually involved with etc. and breaking those. And my experience in the breaking of them in my life that Saturday evening was profound, absolutely chilling at one point and in the next freeing beyond anything I have ever known or felt! And there was a point in that experience where I had to fight from crying that ugly donkey cry in front of 200+ people. You know the one...you don't want to open your mouth for fear that your sobs will sound like a donkey braying. LOL!
My encounter with God that weekend was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Even Emily said when I got home, "Who are you and what have you done with my mom? You're different. Like really different. You're happy. Kind of giddy happy, but happy happy. You're just different." I feel lighter, but heavier at the same time. The heavier is more like a deep profound feeling and weight of increased awareness, but I feel the absence of the weight inside of the very center of my chest, that I didn’t even realize it was there until it was gone, and filled with the most buoyant, light, carefree feeling I’ve ever experienced. My mom said that it was the Holy Spirit truly dwelling in me and being given free reign instead of always fighting with Him and myself with my worldly desires and selfishness of what *I* wanted.
She said that this is the breakthrough that she’s been praying for for me for years and years. There is such a difference in the way that I am processing things, that I am responding and reacting to things and how I am treating others. I SEE them differently. I SEE my responsibilities differently. Was I saved before? Absolutely no doubt that I was...but I never had that OH MY WOW experience that others have talked about having until that weekend.
During that weekend I was told by 3 completely different people, only one of those who even knew me, that they saw me going into ministry of some kind and helping others. My mom has been saying the same thing to me over the past years.
How God works and His timing is incredible to me. Why not before now? I don’t know. I guess it just became where I got to the point that I had to willingly give up my own fight and truly lay myself down on the alter at His feet and just say, “I truly surrender all. I’m done. I don’t want to do this with only part of You. Not my will but Yours...and not just ‘Your will for my life’ but ‘Your will...period. End of sentence.’”. It’s incredible what happens when you stop trying to fit God into the box of your life. Even a couple of months later I still feel like crying over the profoundness of it all...but the good kind of cry. LOL!