Loneliness sucks

Emotions are fragile, frustrating things. Actually, fragile probably isn't the best word to use b/c emotions aren't fragile. They're potent, powerful, strong, sometimes violent and virulent. On the more positive side, they can be gentle, soft, tender, gooey and loving. Especially when it has to do with our children. Emotions sometimes are confusing, turning your good day bad or your bad day good, or completely turning your day upside down. Love, anger and alcohol can over-inflate the intensity of those feelings. So can loneliness.

Right now I am in the dregs of loneliness. Loneliness is a real "B". For someone like me, who thrives on the touchy feely and has been alone for the better part of 3 years. "The X" and I separated 2 ½ years ago but things really started going downhill several months before. It seemed like the only time he would give me any affection was when he wanted to "get some". I love the little things. I don't just survive, I THRIVE on something as simple as holding hands. And hugs, just to give a hug and be held...that's ambrosia for me.

My best friend MC and I went to get a pedi today for an early Mother's Day thing and she asked me a couple of questions:

"So, did you ever get lonely during the 2 ½ years you were separated but just push it down?"

"Yes"

"So...why is it worse now? Why is the feeling of loneliness stronger now after the divorce?"

"Because now I can do something about it."

"Fair enough. I completely understand that"

And there's the rub. When I was separated and there was misguided hope of my part for salvaging my marriage, I could never have broken my vow of "forsaking all others". Which he had no problem doing. Even after I decided to go ahead and file after he moved BACK in with the homewrecker he originally had moved in with when we first separated, I still would not and could not break that vow b/c technically we were still married and I was not about to break my vows. So I squelched the loneliness and focused on our daughter and it was...ok...on some level where I didn't think about what I was missing so greatly.

After the judge said "Divorce Granted" it was like this HUGE weight had fallen off of me and I could breathe again and I was fine for a couple of weeks. Then all the loneliness crashed down on me and made me really feel what I'd been missing.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I got a really great hug from someone earlier this week. Just one of those hugs you want to just fall in to. A huge, warm, wonderful hug. Nothing more than that. And now the loneliness really has reared it's ugly head and I feel so keenly every day what I crave but can't have. Hugs and hand holding. Flirty smiles and laughter. It's not that I can't have them, it's just that as a single mother I have to be so very selective and with all the creeps, kooks, liars and psychos out there. I wonder every day if I'm going to fall into the same trap again of wanting affection so much that I'll pick a wrong relationship with someone who readily gives that to me. I don't want to choose a wrong relationship. I want the right one, but I feel that loneliness so much right now that I'm tired of feeling that way. It frustrates me, it kind of angers me, it bums me out and depresses me and I HATE that feeling. I know that I won't always feel that way and it won't always be like this and that I WILL find that someone, but I would rather it be sooner than later. SIGH. I'm just tired of being alone and lonely. Pttttttttbbbbbbbb!

I want to be pursued. I'm tired of being expected to do the calling and/or emailing, to make the plans, to "ask" the other party to do something. For once I want to be the one to be asked out, more than once. I want to be considered "worth it" enough and have someone be "interested enough" in me to pursue me, dadgummit! Sometime in the next decade? The next 5 years? The next few months? Is that too much to ask?