Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


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Monday, December 18, 2006

Life on the Trail...of Lights

So, it's been pretty busy, as you can imagine. Saturday and Sunday were pretty busy – especially Saturday. We had an estimated 40,000+ on that night alone through the Trail of Lights. We had very few drunks but what we did have a lot of was missing kids. We had at least 12-13 missing children reports that night. The thing that I do not understand . . . I was looking after this one 5 year old whose mom lost track of him – he was 5, very small and delicate for a little boy – or maybe my Em is just really big and sturdy for a 5 year old. He was small and scared and silently crying. We tried for at least 30-40 minutes to locate his mom. Finally, we had a report that a mother was missing her child. She was at the very end of the trail – this little boy was about ¼ of the way in to the trail. What kind of mother walks the entire trail before going to someone and reporting her child missing? With 47 displays and 28 stations, there was ample time. The boy was at station 8. I told net control that I would bring the boy to the volunteer house so that he could be reunited with his mommy. He was so exited to be with her.

So, what would you say when reunited with your missing child? Would you hug them and say "I'm so glad I found you! I was so scared." Would you let that child know that you loved them and that they meant the world to you and then talk to them about the seriousness of what they had done/being separated meant? What would you do?

Want to know what this mother did? First words out of her mouth were "WHAT did I tell you? I TOLD you to stay with me. Do you know how embarrassing this is to me? DO you have any idea how embarrassed I am right now?" She then turned to me and said "I am so sorry about this." I was trying hard to keep my cool b/c the little boy was looking at me with these big, blue, sad eyes. I told the mother that it was fine, we have a lot of missing children reports and that he was very scared about having been separated from her but he had done a good job of giving me information about her so that we could find her. Her response was "Well he should be scared. I'm very sorry." No hugs or kisses to soothe this cute little boy, no declarations of love or concern other than she had been embarrassed. As they walked away she still was berating him about how embarrassed she was. She should be embarrassed – for her own behavior.

Some people do not deserve to be a parent.

It is still beyond me how she walked the rest of the trail first before trying to find her child. Some people are just selfish like that I guess.

Last night was fairly calm – large crowd but fairly calm. Still had several missing children but on both nights everyone was reunited.

I've been chosen to do the whole spiel to the volunteers before the trail opened of what to do and what not to do pretty much the rest of the days that I'm working. It was kind of funny, after I went through the talking points Park Police told me I had pretty much covered what they were going to say but that they did have one thing to say and asked my permission to speak. Hmmmm, I could get used to that. LOL. KIDDING! I had a blast! I've been asked to get my HAM radio license. I'll have to check into that. I'm pretty hoarse today with a lot of upper respiratory crud still. I guess the humidity and sweating and muggy air at night isn't helping much.

Tonight we had some pretty interesting volunteers. A couple of high school groups were there and we had some PDA issues - flagrantly, blatantly in front of the families right at their stations. It's kind of like "Look, this is a family event. They are here to see the lights - not to see you suck face. Family being the operative word here, you look like you're wanting to try and start one, but this is neither the time nor the place. Can't you get enough of each other outside of this event so that you, little missy, aren't wrapped around your twig of a boyfriend like a python in front of the kiddies? You may be feeling 'warm and tingly' but we're not lovin' the loving - so knock it off!" We had two different couples that kept on "disappearing" into the brush for extended periods of time doing Lord knows what. I caught one of them trying to sneak off and when I asked them what station they belonged to, to which they replied "We're off to get some water." Water? Maybe if the water you're talking about is the lake - which is beside the venue - but there isn't any drinking water down that way. I think there should be some definite age limits to who can volunteer out there.

On a plus, because I've been walking/jogging so much on this "job" at the Trail I've lost about 7 pounds since last week Wednesday. Who knew it could come off so fast? Of course, I wear my steel toe boots so it's like I'm wearing ankle weights every night. Here's to hoping and losing about 10 more by the time this week is over. I have 4 more nights to go. It would be nice. :)

On a negative - I am going to the doctor tomorrow b/c my lungs are filled with yuck, I have almost no voice left and am having problems breathing. I'd like to get it cleared up as much as possible before Wednesday night - my next night on patrol.

Here is are some Christmas funnies for you to enjoy.

The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

And Finally...

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be a cash bar and plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

My, what a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics since the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? Please?????????

Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The B!tc# from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!


Jean-Luc Picard said...

Hilarious, Nic! The messages from Pauline were very funny.

Kay said...

You are right, some people shouldn't be parents... what were they thinking? Hope you get to feeling better. Loved the Pauline memos! Have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!