Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


WWW As My World Turns

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Is it life imitating art or art imitating life?

You know how you can watch that one certain movie and say "That’s my life"? I had one of those moments a couple of nights ago.

The movie Hope Floats came on TV and, since I was an extra in that movie through a friend of mine, and because I happen to really like that movie, even though parts of it made me want to scream b/c of the husband's selfishness and cheating, I watched it. I’ve seen that movie lots of times before, but this time...this time, it was different. It’s like I was watching the story of me. Ok, so some parts of it were completely different. I wasn’t the Queen of Corn in high school, nor did I move over 1,000 miles away when I got married, and my husband didn’t leave me for my best friend. He just moved in with a former co-worker over two years ago, left for a few months to "work" on our marriage and then "unofficially" moved back in with her at the end of this past November. It is my daddy who is dead instead of my mother and my mother does not make scary-a$$ stuffed dolls out of deceased animals. Other than that, pretty much what Birdee is going through is me. Oh, and I have no male friend turning into a romantic prospect for me either. I would have to have a male friend for that part to happen. LOL!

There is this one part that really speaks to me where Birdee is in the bathroom of her mother’s house, where she moved back to from Chicago, and she is drunk, throwing up (well, not that part of it) and crying about how her life turned out and she says something about how she used to look into her husband’s eyes and see herself there and then one day she looked and she was gone:

"I know it's so easy to blame him. But you know what? I think it's me. I do. Because he used to look at me and I would see myself in his eyes. And it was like he saw me. And I was audacious, Mama. I was. And then, I don't know... things just started to change. The harder I tried to be what he wanted me to be... the less I saw myself in his eyes. And one day I looked, and I was gone."

Kind of like the day before you were that same vibrant, shining person and you wake up and *POOF* that person has disappeared and you don’t know how you failed to notice that the person you were one time was disappearing. That is how I’ve felt, how I still feel to some extent, well except that Matt bears at least half of the responsibility for what happened in the marriage to bring it to this point. Though when a serious relationship ends and it’s not you that’s doing the ending, per say, it’s hard not to try and figure out what went wrong and it’s easy to say that "It must have been me" when you can’t see why they didn’t want you anymore. That quote is how I’ve felt in the only two relationships that really mattered to me, the only two men I ever really, truly loved.

One was when I was barely out of my teens. First love and all that, and to some extent part of that still lingers with me, haunting me from time to time. GAH! Do you ever really get over your first love, especially when it breaks your heart in millions of pieces? You can read about part of that here.

Last one was Matt. Talk about audacious. He was audacious, bold, daring, a little overconfident, slightly full of himself at times and I loved it. We were a great match until it was time to grow up and stop the partying and the drinking. After the glimmer and shine wore off, after the illusions disappeared it seemed that neither one of us was what we had been at one time. It seemed like there were parts of him that weren’t ready to grow up yet and at times I feel like I forced him into a situation he didn’t want, but I was not going to have a baby and not be married, especially if he was going to stay in my life and we were going to have a relationship other than just the parents of a precious child. He admitted after we were married that he hadn’t wanted to get married until maybe after Emily had been born. That really cut me to the quick, but now, I think sometimes he may have had a point. We wouldn’t have found ourselves going through this crap that we’re going through and we would probably have parted ways a long time ago.

Part of my fault was that I started to have my life be consumed by him, but yet kept myself apart from him b/c I didn’t want to get hurt so bad that I could almost literally feel my heart breaking again. Well, joke was on me b/c the same thing happened and now I’m looking at the end of a marriage that, according to him, had been over for a long time. I still love him, I will always love him, but I don’t want what we became anymore, and it hurts deeply. One doesn’t go into a marriage thinking that it may end in a few years. Or at least they shouldn’t b/c right there is a recipe for disaster. I expected to live the rest of my life with Matt. Only reality and a certain conniving hussy had other plans. Matt still denies that she has or had any ulterior motives for letting him move in with her. I call bulls#!t on that one.

In Hope Floats, Harry Connick, Jr. says:

"You know, Birdee you used to be so... I don't know...audacious... bold. People would stop and stare as you walked down the street. Their eyes would light up. 'There goes that Birdee Calvert' they’d say... You think you've lost that. I can still see it..."

I want someone who still sees it in me, only I need to figure out or at least re-discover exactly who I am first.


Epiphany said...

It's a matter of figuring out who you are by yourself...and when you are ready, how someone else can work along with that, but never eclipse you. Does that make sense?

Mike J. said...

Hope Floats is an incredible film, and if you see yourself in it, then you need to remember that hope does, indeed, float! (You were an extra in it? Awesome!)

Although the movie is very romantic, I think you are better off w/o a Harry Connick Jr. coming to sweep you off your feet. In real life, it takes much longer to get yourself back than it took Birdie (time constraints of a film, after all), and although Harry Connick is an awefully nice looking fella to sweep a gal off her feet, folks need to find their own two feet after a break-up before they let themselves get swept up again.

I think you are on the right track, Nic. When you begin to see that audacious, vibrant person in yourself, others will see it too. I'll bet others still see it, and you just don't know it.

I've been down this road myself, and I can tell you it's not a easy ride, but it's well worth the journey. Good luck, and God Bless you on your journey!

greatwhitebear said...

Dearest Nic, my favorite beautiful, too young, too conservative woman!

The sooner you learn to be happy with who you are, and in touch with what you can be, the sooner romance and love will return to your life. The Catch 22: When you get to that point, it won't seem nearly as important.

You seem to be on the right track! Keep it up.

Remember, you will always be either your own best friend, or own worst enemy! Choose the former.

And be sure to talk to yourself. It will be the most intelligent conversation you will have all day!

greatwhitebear said...

Oh yeah, I meant to mention that if you consume proper amounts of Guinness, I will eventually appear 20 years younger and conservative! That count?

cmhl said...

I totally understand what you are saying.

case in point: My first "love" (first everythign for that matter)--- somehow I got in the habit of kind of dumbing down for him-- acting like someone I wasn't, kind of giddy, if htat makes any sense. this was in high school, mind you. anyway, things change, I grew up, got older, wasn't acting that way anymore, we grew apart. one time toward the end, we were grocery shopping, and I just felt it slipping away. I tried to act like I used to, carefree, adoring of him etc.

he didn't remember. He totally didn't remember what "we" were like when we were somewhat happy. that was when I knew it was totally over.