Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


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Thursday, June 15, 2006

Thursday thoughts - dating

I normally do the Thankful Thursdays meme, but today I'm going to talk about something not meme associated.

I had a date last night. An honest to goodness date. It was rather unexpected. It was with someone that I’ve been working with since February. He's not with my company though.

It started out on Tuesday. So I was working and this guy comes up to me and says “I have a couple of questions for you.” So I said “Fire away.”

“First question...do you want to go have dinner sometime?”

I was kind of stunned. I hesitated for a couple seconds b/c I didn’t know what to say. I said yes out of pure shock. My mind was racing and I was trying to figure out what to say. This guy has always been super nice to me. Very kind, has a wicked wit about him and listens extremely well. But...he’s not someone that I would really consider going out with – even though several other women here at work think he is “hot”, a “stud”, etc.

So, he asked me if Wednesday would be ok. I said sure. I thought maybe it’s just that I'm kind of gunshy. You know, having been out of the dating scene for so long. Even when I was married, “the X” and I never really dated. Oh, we went out to dinner or to a club, but it was never really a date. We were just a married couple going out. More often than not going “dutch” or I would pay for most of it. I hadn’t been on a “real” date in years. You know, where the guy pays for all of it. And I have never been on a date period where they guy pulls out my chair for me, etc. You know, like a GROWN UP gentleman should.

I talked to some friends who all convinced me to go. They said that even if this guy wasn’t someone that I wanted to see on a regular basis, that this could be “practice”.

So, against my true instinct to have said “No”, I went. Being the safe thing we went in separate cars from work to this really trendy steak restaurant. Besides, I work way north and the restaurant was downtown. It would have been a waste of time for me to go with him and then have him drive back up north and then me drive back down south.

On the way there, he called me and asked if I drink. To which I replied that I do. He asked me what kind. So I told him. Tequila, dark beers and red wines - merlot to be more specific. I got there and valet parked. (Seriously, valet parking downtown is the BEST option ever. 6.00 to park your car, get out right at the front door and they bring it back to you when you're done.) So we go inside and he pulled my chair out for me and pushed it in while I sat down. Whoa! A real, honest to goodness grown up! Well, we’ll get to that part later about how “grown up” he is. So, we’re talking and this guy would be my dream guy. Seriously. Now I say “would be” instead of “is” b/c of a couple of things, which I will tell you about in a paragraph or two.

He’s tall, he’s broad shouldered, he’s charming, he is good looking. He’s a former Marine with a lot of class, travels around the world, owns a Harley (le sigh!), owns a big house in Dallas, enjoys a good cigar, loves life and knows how to live it well because he has the money to live it very well. He’s kind, sincere, very affirming, has a real heart of gold and is a total and complete true blue gentleman. He has a daughter one year younger than me.

Heh! That last one threw you for a loop huh?! Yup. He’s 16 years older than me. That would make him 48. He has a 31 year old daughter. Actually he has 4 kids and his oldest is 31, youngest 14. I am 32 and will be 33 in 20 days.

All the stuff before the last paragraph is just up my alley - seriously up my alley (excepting the daughter part and the age part. 48 is a "little older" than I'm looking for). Unfortch, there are three things that are deal breakers for me, the first is one that I will not compromise on.

1. He’s not a Christian. I got into that before with “the X” and I will not go there again. To have someone who is so fundamentally different from me in beliefs and faith was like trying to mix oil and water. It doesn’t mix. I want someone who will pray with me at meals and at night. I want someone to be a TRUE spiritual leader of the household and not just a CINO (Christian In Name Only). Just because you say you’re one doesn’t mean you are one.

2. He has a daughter 1 year younger than me. Seriously...he’s done having his kids and I would like to try and have more though I am happy with just Emily if need be. I'm not comfortable with that prospect of being a parental figure to someone who is practically my age. It just makes me uneasy.

3. There’s no spark on my end. None whatsoever. MC (my best friend) asked me as I was on my way to dinner last night if I could tell her what color his eyes were. I couldn’t. Her response was “Yeah, you definitely have no romantic interest there.” And I honestly have to say that I still couldn’t say for sure what color his eyes are even after going out last night.

On the way out, he walked me to my car and gave me a hug and also tried to aim for my lips to kiss me - to which I gently turned my head and he got my cheek instead. I don’t think that gave him enough of an idea that, though he was my first date in years, that it would be my last date with him. I'll let him know if he asks me out again.

I learned something about myself too though that night. Though I have been separated for over 2 ½ years, I have truly only been divorced in my heart for just over 2 months. I'm not ready to date yet. We had a truly lovely and witty conversation last night but most of the time I was thinking about getting Emily to bed and what story I was going to read to her, etc. I just couldn’t wait to get home to my daughter. This guy said, during the course of the dinner, that I needed to take time for myself too, and I agree. I'm just not quite ready to step into the dating pool yet and last night made me realize that, but I'm glad I was able to realize that with such a nice guy.


Mary said...

Hi! Found you from the All Blog Stars and your post really intrigued me. Glad to see that you did date but were able to realize some things about yourself in the process. I've been divorced for 8 years - and it was 5 years into it before I remarried. So I understand completely. (I have a 10 year old daughter from my first marriage).

Good luck with everything!

no_average_girl said...

that's incredible girl!!!! I'm glad you were able to take that step, but, girl, do some research on these guys before you just go out with them...I don't want my big sis getting hurt or anything! :-)

I'm glad to see you are sticking like glue to your "deal breakers" and writing them out was a smart move!

Thanks for giving all the details girls love to hear. And I'm thankful you had a wonderful night with a real gentleman who treated you well!

duofilia said...

I married a man with a Christian background but who wasn't Christian. He became Christian after time passed, but it was difficult (I didn't try to force him to be a Christian, it was just the oil and water thing). We didn't have children until he was baptized (although I never told him that). I wouldn't change any of it because of my darling children, but if something happened to him and I started dating again (after about a million years), I'd never, never start a relationship with a non-Christian again.

Nathan L. said...

I believe you'll find that if you let God work things out in His time, it will work better then we could ever dream up. I must agree with your three reasons as being extremely sound. May God bless you and direct your paths

Tricia said...

I recently went to a singles conference put on by New Life Ministries. One of the things they suggested, which shocked me, was to date anyone who asks and to not date with the end in mind (marriage)...instead to see it as a means to learn more about yourself. Very interesting, I thought...

Killired said...

lots of good comments! yes, the details were wonderful... love details!
dating anyone who asks you out... that would have to depend on the circumstance... where you met them, how you know them etc...

i think you should just leave it up to God and he will either lead you in the right direction or lead someone to you... if that's the plan. don't worry about it... give your worries to him....

Velvet Cowboy said...

You Go Girl...

I think that's awesome. I think sometimes the problem with being single for lengths of time, is that some of us tend to settle for less than we really want.

I'm glad you didn't settle!

Have a great weekend!

cmhl said...

beautiful post!!!!!!!!

he sounds like a sweet guy, but you are right, if you know that there aren't any sparks (and you know on the front end that there are fundamental differences), don't string him along.

good practice, Nic, I'm proud of you!!!!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You knowing there wasn't a 'spark' was an important thing, and you were right in now pursuing a second date. Good look with other dates, though, Nic.It was an important first step.

Amelia Elias said...

Reading this just confirms how smart you are not to compromise on what you know you want. Sounds like your marriage was like mine--worth it for the joy you get from Emily (and I get from my 2 monkey-boys), and a really good way of discovering what you CAN'T live with. Sometimes knowing that is more important than having that wish-list you DO want!

Also very interesting to consider dating as 'practice.' Makes total sense, too. Someone hook me up for some practice dates, k? I've been divorced since '99--in fact, it's 2 weeks until my divorciversary--and have hardly dated at all!

Bar said...

Good for you for going out on a date and realizing that you are not ready to get back into the pool! A true sign of maturity on your part. :)

Michael said...

Hello. You know, I had too add my two cents in here too about your recent dating experience. Youhave been gracious to leave me blog comments from time to time so I think it's only fair that I do the same. You are very wise to have come up with and adhere to your deal breakers. Strange as it might sound, as a guy I too have come up with some serious deal-breakers after my divorce from a 14 year marriage. Ive been divorced for 6 years and am just beginning to venture out seriously into the dating pool. I have made in the past 6 years some real to-die for friends, and that is where they will stay. Being Single the first thing you learn is to be independent, and sometimes that is the hardest thing to give up. Plus you never want to repeat the same mistakes you made nthe past so your too careful, you value that wall you have put up .. you know that if your patient the right person that God has for your life will come around when it's time, so in the meantime you learn to be patient.

I am glad that your first adventure was with a true gentleman, who treated you like a lady, instead of the male jerk variety.