Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


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Sunday, April 23, 2006

UGH, BLAH, Ptbbbbbbbbbbt!!!

Man, last night was just one of the worst nights EVER. Yesterday Matt had Emily for her first overnight. She's never had overnights with him before. I can't tell you the emotions that went through me. I was in a training class in a different city all day with Homeland Security as part of my Community Emergency Response Team participation with Austin's Office of Emergency Management. I have to keep up a certain number of hours of training a year or lose my certification and have to take the class all over again. The closer it got to the class being out, the harder it was for me to concentrate.

Not only was this difficult for me since Emily has ALWAYS been with me for nights except for the 4 days during the summers that I've gone to a national writer's conference, but I sent Matt a message around 6 asking him to please let me talk to Emily before she went to sleep so that I can say goodnight. I have never NOT said goodnight to Emily - EVER. Even when My mom has watched her if I've gone out with MC, I've always told her goodnight, even if it's had to be a phone call from New York or Reno or Dallas, etc.. I've ALWAYS said goodnight to her.

7:00 comes around and I want to make sure that Matt has received my message so I send him another one. No response. Emily's supposed to be in bed and sleeping by 8:30 and d@mmit(!) I WANT TO TELL MY DAUGHTER GOODNIGHT!!!

7:30 comes around and I send him another message. Still no response.

I probably sent him 20 messages betwen 7:30 and 9:30 before he finally responded to tell me - his phone was off and she was already sleeping and basically tough noogies. By this time I was extremely angry, unbelievably concerned and heartbroken.

I actually cried last night. For the love of my daughter I cried. I didn't cry over the loss of my marriage or finally letting go of that one person that held a part of my heart for 13 years, but not being able to tell Emily goodnight for the first time in her 4 1/2 years of life...that brought me to my knees.

I sobbed my eyes out. And I'm sure he was enjoying every single minute of it. He threatened to not let me talk to Emily while he had her if I didn't check my phone and have it attached to my hip practically when she was with me. He actually was threatening me (in caps no less). I told him that I would get my lawyer involved in it if it came down to that which he called an empty threat - it's not. It's neither empty nor a threat. It is a promise. I tired of taking his cr@p, tired of the lies and the hurt and the BS. I took it for roughly 6 of the almost 8 years we were together. Never again.

Anyway, I cried so hard that I got a massive stress headache (which I still have this morning and meds aren't helping get rid of), my sinuses are killing me and I feel rusty and just sore all over this morning and dangit-all if I don't feel like crying again. He is such a j@ck@$$ and he knows just how low and where to hit so that it really hurts me emotionally and he has no problems in doing so. In fact he rather enjoys it. Gets a perverse pleasure from it. Well Bite Me!

So, this isn't a happy post - I don't care. I'm NOT happy right now. I feel like stomping and throwing a kiddie tantrum but that won't help eiether. Screaming? Nope, that would scare the cat and probably the neighbors, plus it would hurt my throat. I HATE that he has overnights with Emily, even though he is her father and he is a good father for the most part. I hate it b/c he will do whatever he can to hurt me during that time by using Emily to get to me emotionally. I mean using her absence from me to try and manipulate me emotionally in order to have me do what he wants me to do.

I'm sure he's still angry about what happened with the divorce (after all it has only been 2 weeks) - and like I said previously, that's his own fault for not contacting his lawyer between his initial visit and the Friday before the Monday court date and fubaring up his case/defense. He said last night he'd had "his reasons" for not contacting her. He's extremely angry that it has been mandated that his little hussy is not allowed in the apartments on overnights for several months (though if I'd really pushed for it I could have had it mandated that she not be there EVER at all when Emily is over there - well, actually any unrelated female and not just her). I almost regret not pushing for that since he's being a j@ck@$$ about this.

Child support started on April 15th. I still have yet to receive his check which he says that he's not getting until he gets a letter from some department, but instead of calling and asking for it, he's waiting for it to come to him. Just one more way for him to try and screw me over. At least, thank goodness after April his paycheck will be garnished so I don't have to go through this junk again every single month until she is 18.

Yeah, this has pretty much been the worst weekend of my life. I'm sure there have actually been WORSE ones for me, but right now, this one is front and center and I hate it. I hate feeling weak. I hate being emotionally exhausted. I hate the stress headaches and the sore back and neck muscles and the gritty puffy feeling eyes.

So like the title of this post......UGH, BLAH and PTbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt!!!

At least there is a measure of comfort that can be gained through this tough time in the promises of God.

Weeping may endure for the night...

but joy comes in the morning.

~Psalm 30:5b

I've had enough of the weeping, thank you very much. I'm still waiting for the joy part. I know it will come, but I sure hope it doesn't take too long. SIGH.

On a slightly lighter (?) note, this coming Saturday would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary. So that I don't have to be alone, moping and depressed around Em, MC and Amy (my two dearest friends), Kim, Diane, Liz and Kathy are doing a girl's night out thing possibly with dinner but definitely going out to who knows where - probably dancing. My mom is going to watch Em for a few hours (thank you mom!). MC is such a dear, dear friend to know that it would have been a really tough time for me and arrange for something to get my mind off of it. Everyone should have an MC in their life. :)


Juggling Mother said...

He sounds like what we Brits call a complete wanker!

But you can console yourself with the knowledge that your daughter almost certainly didn't notice that you didn't say goodnight to her. she knew you were away & and will just accept it. I always beat myself up about trying to call the kids when I'm away over night, but they really don't care if i do or don't! As long as i get home when i say i will, they're happy:-)

Here from micheles today

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Well he sounds really mean and vib=ndictive! I dn't understand that,do you? I mean, you would think he would care abouy his childs needs if not yours!!!! Help!
So sorry you have to go through the further pain of all this...

Here from Michele today.

Prego said...

Men... Can't live with 'em.... can't throw scalding coffee mugs at 'em.

Here via Michele.

PS - Judging by the apparent cut of your jib and your current mindset, I'd advise you against visiting my blog today. Very nice to meet you regardless.

Claire said...

I'm with Mrs Aginoth...the fact he sounds like a complete wanker was running through my head the whole time I was reading this!

I hope that things have started looking up now and I hope that you're reunion with your daughter is fantastic!!

Here from Michele's Hi!

Leslie Shelor said...

I hope you can find some peaceful place in all this; keep in mind that what is important is your daughter. The tensions between her parents, divorced or not, are more harmful than a dozen missed phone calls.9

kenju said...

I have never read your blog before (that I know of) but I feel great empathy for you. My daughter went through some of the same stuff during her divorce. It will get better for you; hang in there and make him do what is right. Michele sent me.

Leslie Shelor said...

Oops, here from Michele's; some computer gremlin got in there and took some of my comment away!

Carmi said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. His nastiness will ultimately come back to bite him: kids are incredibly good judges of character. Your daughter will see right through him without too much difficulty.

If I could write words that would bring you comfort, I would. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, both for a quick resolution to this, and for a long-term easing of the pain you're going through.

Susie said...

Oh, honey. Sorry for such a rough weekend. Dads who behave that way piss me off no end. It is all too common, unfortunately. May your morning come soon. Just looking at a note card here, with a similar sentiment: No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. Big hugs to you, my friend.

cmhl said...


can you make him pay it to the state (child support) and then it is dispersed to you? that way you don't have to deal with the check coming from him..