D-day

I must confess to being nervous about today. Today is my day in court with Matt to finalize the divorce. I have no idea what he is going to try and pull and the unknown of it scares me. I'd like to say that everything will be ok, but with Matt, one never knows. All I can do is trust in God that He will provide what is best for Emily and will give me the strength to handle this calmly.
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The Results
Ok, so as of around 9:15/9:20 this morning, I became a divorced woman. Everyone says that I'm holding up really well. I keep reminding them that I’ve had over 2 years to prepare for this day. That being said, it doesn’t mean that a few tears don’t want to be shed from my eyes but I'm holding back right now b/c I'm at work. “WHAT???!!!” you may be saying. Yes. I went in to work because I am the back up to the office manager and she is out this afternoon. I have to be here. A few people have been a little astounded that I would be here. I do better when I'm busy – though I have to admit, I have a horrific headache and I'm terribly thirsty. I can’t put fluid away fast enough. Of course, that also means that I’ll have to take several pit stops this afternoon. SIGH!

I’ve always had to be strong. In 2002 when my mom was diagnosed with almost stage 4 breast cancer three days after Christmas, I had to be strong for her. When my dad died from committing suicide a month later, I had to be strong for my grandmother. When my mom’s first chemo session started the day after my dad’s funeral, I had to be strong for her. When my mom had me shave her head, I had to be strong for her. After my mom had a radical double mastectomy and through her recovery, I had to be strong for her. Before my marriage and during my marriage, when Matt was deliberately cruel, emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive, I stayed strong in my own way. My life has led me to have to be strong, now for Emily.

I have only allowed myself two weak moments as an adult where I could just break down and cry as if my heart were breaking - which it was. The first was walking away from someone who shattered my heart many years ago. The second was when I asked Matt to leave in December of 2003 and he moved in immediately with the barely 19-year old girl that he is still living with today. On those two occasions I sobbed my heart out until I didn’t think I could cry ever again. Oh, I’ve cried before and since, but I haven’t given myself time to really feel the emotions that came with the association of crying. I didn’t have the time because I was at work or taking care of Emily, or in Church. And when I try to force myself to cry...I can’t. It’s there, under the surface, but it doesn’t come to the top. I haven't let myself be free to cry like I need to.

It’s extremely difficult for me to cry when I am under emotional stress. When other people would be boo-hooing all over the place, I can’t shed a tear. I hope I can this time. My heart hurts for what could have been had other choices been made by both parties. Most of all I hurt for Matt. Weird huh? I hurt for what he is feeling right now, what he is going through right now and in his mind and heart. My heart is burdened for him. My friend MC put it this way: he doesn’t have the support system or the faith/belief system that I have. That is what has gotten me through this as well as I have – the support, love and prayers of my friends and family.

So, anyway, the whole proceedings went as well is they could have gone. We didn't have to make it an ugly court case and reached an agreement with Matt/Matt's lawyer before going before the judge and the agreement was the absolute best that we could have gotten without a full trial.

There were a lot of people praying for the outcome this morning. We were blessed and got a judge that my lawyer knows very well. If I had wanted to push for everything I wanted, there would have been testifying on the stand, and it would have been very ugly. The only thing that I did not like to concede to is that Matt will end up eventually being able to have the home-wrecker there after September for over nights, but, all in all, it was better than what we probably would have gotten with stipulating no unrelated females on overnights, which Matt could have then turned around and had that amended immediately and we would have lost that stipulation from the get go – so at least there’s a buffer there for Emily to be able to get used to staying at the apartment with Matt on overnights that is ok. There are also some other amended visitation requirements strongly in my favor that I was ok with. I also got a lot more in child support than I thought I would, though I would give up part of it if it meant that Emily NEVER had to do any over nights with that girl and it be just Matt or at his parents.

My other concern is her Sunday school. He won't go to my church and she loves the Sunday school she is going to – it is the highlight of her Sundays – apart from the picnics that she and I do in nice weather. I have been the only person giving religious instruction in her life so I'm very concerned about that.

Matt was a very unhappy person when he walked in the courtroom. At first it appeared that he was barely holding in his anger, but at the end he was barely holding back tears. I know this is a result of his actions and those consequences but it hurts me to see him like this. He was not smart when he didn't meet with his lawyer beforehand, didn’t fill out the pre-trail paperwork and didn’t return her phone calls or emails until last week Friday – the last business day before the trial this morning, so she was grossly unprepared for this and my lawyer was basically able to get the best possible outcome for me without it getting ugly.

Even so, I hurt for him. My heart is burdened for what he must be feeling right now and, believe it or not, it actually feels different to be divorced and it's a sad feeling. I felt different before today because I had been in this situation for over 2 years, but now it's so full of possibilities and uncertainties that I didn't have before. The rolling off of one weight (the betrayal, knowing that he chose her over me, the anger, the hurt) and the putting on of a different one (all the uncertainties and choices before me as a single woman again but more importantly as a truly single parent). I think I'm going to be taking it easy for now and just concentrate on Emily and being the best mother I can be now that I don't have this whole debacle hanging over my head. For those of you who have given me encouragement over the past year, your prayers and your support. Thank you! Every post, every laugh shared, every encouragement helped get me through this. You are all blessings to me. :)

So here’s to starting out on that fresh road to the next step of my life – Sláinte!

An Irish Blessing
May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.