Truthful Tuesday - Hey You, Yes - You

This is a different post than my usual ones. This post is for one specific person out there who knows who they are. You knew it was directed to you as soon as you read that second sentence.

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Hey you. I know you come by here. Maybe you don’t realize that I know how often, but I do. You who came by a few months later after your initial visit, which turned into every couple of months, and so forth and so on until lately you're here once or twice a week on average. Yes, I know you stop by. Stat counters give a lot of information in their daily reports. You who "anonymously" left a message for me last year and who left another one "anonymously" again...recently. I have one question for you regarding some of the things that you wrote in both posts – What are you thinking?

I emailed you last year right after you left your first comment trying to figure things out about what you had written. You said that there was so much that you had to say to me (but that you didn't want to make it harder than it already was - believe me, after what I've been through, it would have been but a drop in the bucket). I guess that wiser thoughts prevailed though and I never heard what those things were – and that was probably for the best for both of us.

I do have some things to say though.

I don’t understand why you have been visiting here at my place. Well, yes, I do understand that it is a public blog and all that, but why continue to stop by after visiting the first time last year? I admit to feeling a teeny bit flattered but also a touch trepidacious b/c I don't know why. Are you really that curious about me? Do you feel some guilt for a time long gone by? Responsible somehow in some misguided way? Looking for a moment of escape from the stress that is going on in your life? Hoping to find the closure that we never really got? What?

I understood later what you meant during that summer when you said that just because everyone else thought we should get married, did that mean that it was the right thing to do? I'm glad that you made things easier for me to leave than to stay, though it was still unbelievably hard to do, because maybe we were the right people but it wasn’t the right time. As much as I loved you, I would have gone crazy around you and you would have gotten exasperated with my "youth". In fact it seemed to me that by then you already were. I wasn’t ready to grow up and be an adult yet and you and your overly analytical mind weren’t ready to stay young with me for a while longer. Everything became so serious to you that any misstep that I made you analyzed and over analyzed until you came up with more questions than what you had started with. Oh the ways of the scientifically inclined mind – putting everything under a microscope and studying it to death...literally, instead of just being able to be.

I think a part of me resented you for a long time for the effect you had on my life, even as much as I felt for you. You echoed loudly in my life back then and honestly there have been moments throughout the past years where you cross my mind. But that’s life. And that’s the past. We made our choices and we live with those choices both literally and figuratively on a daily basis.

We’ve both changed in unfathomable ways over the years, neither one of us the same person we were back then. Well, at least I know that I'm not. Would I go back? No. I can’t say that I would. As you wrote to me last year "it was that pure and perfect thing shining in the darkness". Yes, it was. Nothing will ever change that. Even so, it doesn’t change life. It doesn’t change the present.

I heard a song on the radio the other day, an old(er) country song by Little Texas. I'm sure you probably have heard it a time or two over the years and can figure out the title of the song. It is very apropos.

...So when you cross my mind
I try not to think about what might have been
'cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads
We can't go back again there's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been...

Yeah, I do wonder from time to time, but it does nobody any good.

Um, I also wanted to say that your youngest stays in my prayers. I don’t know much about your life – unlike you who can come here at any time and read about my life. But every now and then M and my mom talk about you when my mom goes to visit M&D and M passes on tidbits of what is going on and what you’re going through with that. My mom then feels free to pass them on to me b/c well, I'm not sure why, but she does. My heart breaks for your family. No parent should have to go through that pain and uncertainty and worry for their child. Last I heard, it was looking like there would have to be a 2nd heart surgery - all for a precious child not even a year old. Every child is a gift from God, a miracle and a blessing. I have other friends around the world praying for your youngest too and for your family, for strength, comfort and peace with everything that y'all are having to endure. I tell you that only b/c I just wanted to let you know that, regardless of what you posted last year about what you thought I was feeling, I don’t hate you. I never did.