Hurting, Healing and the HDQ/Ask Nic

My friend MC is a wise woman. Barely holding back tears, I talked to her this morning on the way in to work about the fact that I felt worse today from publishing yesterday’s post than I did the day after the divorce last week. I had debated for over a week on whether or not to actually even post that topic but the recent comment that was left by the subject of yesterday's post made me realize that it had needed to be done to bring things out into the open - the avoidance of secret temptation. Even so, I felt worse about the necessity of having to be cruel to be kind in yesterday’s post than I did about the fact that my marriage was over. I wanted to know what that was all about b/c I didn’t understand it. Why would I feel worse over being frank with someone who was the most important part of my life 12 years ago than the loss of my marriage?

MC put it this way. It was about truly letting go of the two most important men in my life in less than a week and finally feeling like I was on my own. She’s right. They were the two most important men in my life in the past and I have to let go in order to face the future and have a full life instead of a life half lived ("a life lived in fear is a life half lived" ~ Strictly Ballroom). I can’t do that with the ghosts and shadows of the past hanging over me. Still, emotionally, it’s unbelievably hard. That loss of those things that I held on to is very sharp today and darn it!, if I weren’t at work and doing this on my break, I think I could actually have a real good, long, hard cry, but writing is my emotional release for most everything. I’d love to cry but this is neither the time nor the place. I’ve never really been "on my own" and it’s a little scary for me, to tell the truth. It’s an unknown place, an unfamiliar territory for me to step out on and though I am "on my own" I'm not alone b/c I have Emily to consider first. All of my actions and decisions affect her so it’s kind of a double whammy. I have to find out who I am as a single woman (which is vastly different than the last time I was single), as a person and as a single parent and I have to be oh, so careful in doing so.

MC believes that the reason why one was stronger than the other as far as the feeling of loss was concerned was b/c while Matt had disappointed and hurt me many times over the past 7 years, he never apologized for most of the hurts he gave to me whereas with the other person from yesterday’s post, yes, I was hurt greatly but I had years to get over that hurt even though there was no closure and I knew that he felt regret and remorse – through his posted comment last year in May. I have to bring my own closure to this b/c it won't happen otherwise and I think that yesterday was a big step forward to doing that.

*HEAVY SIGH* So, on to another topic.

HDQ
I’ve been sleeping like ¢-r-@-p lately. I'm sure that this stuff has had something to do with it. Probably a HUGE part to do with it, however, this has really been going on since Matt and I started having problems in our marriage. I haven’t slept through the night that I can remember in almost 3 years. At first it was worry over what time Matt would be home since he never came home from "partying" when he said he would. He would leave me at home with a baby and tell me that I was neither wanted nor welcome to come along with him (even though my mom or his parents could have babysat). Then it became a deal over the questions I lay awake at night asking myself as to why was I not good enough for him and what was my problem and what was his problem and on and on and on. Now, I wake up every hour/hour and a half. There are times where I survive on 2 ½ – 3 hours of sleep – yes I have insomnia about ½ the time. I'm constantly drained both emotionally and physically. My body wants to sleep so bad, but my mind won’t shut down. I don’t want to take anything like Ambien or Lunesta b/c of Emily. She frequently wakes in the night and, God forbid, if something were to happen, I don’t want to be dead to the world (which I’ve heard that Ambien does and our insurance won’t cover Lunesta).

So, my HDQ today is for me. How do you get yourself to sleep and sleep through the night but not like the dead when you’re under stress, depression, dealing with insomnia and other various things? I don’t have an answer for this and I need help!

Ask Nic

This is the place where you can ask me anything that is on your mind about me, something you have wanted to know or were just curious about in general. You can ask about my experiences in life and love and parenting, my beliefs, etc... Be creative, be fun, be introspective, but please be clean! You can post the questions in the comments section or email me your question directly to asknic@gmail.com.

I will be posting the questions and their responses soon so check back within the next week for them. They probably will be up over the weekend if I get enough questions.