Stick a fork

So, recently, last night in fact, I was compared by someone to the woman in Pure Country. No, no, not the bitchy manager one, the other one. The feisty one who closed herself off to George Strait's character at first b/c she'd been hurt really badly and didn't want to go through that pain again. She didn't want anyone to get close so she built these walls and barriers and then when she allowed herself to start to open up she gets smacked in the face by having her fears seemingly come true – right as she makes that decision to allow herself to be optimistic.

Yeah, they were right, that's me. It seems like when one starts to let one's guard down, invariably, usually sooner than later, that person gets sucker punched, disappointed and when it happens more than once that person stops hoping, stops dreaming, stops being optimistic b/c the adage "if it seems too good to be true, it usually is" seems really to be true. Just when you meet someone you think is interesting, funny, who you seem to have a lot in common with, who you enjoyed being around and who seems NORMAL with no apparent issues, someone that you'd like to hang out with and see where, IF anywhere, it might lead . . . yeah, whatever. Trust issues? Yeah, I have them in spades. They were right.

There comes a time when someone can only go so far, so many times, when they just have to stop. Stop putting themselves out there. It's easier to stay behind the ever increasing walls than it is to keep hoping, keep being optimistic b/c, truthfully, right now the glass isn't half empty. It's just plain empty with nothing left in it. I'm tapped. I'm drained. And as much as I want to continue to be optimistic and eternally hopeful, it's too wearing and the continual emotional price isn't worth it. So up go more walls and barriers and maybe some day, someone out there will think I am worth it enough to work on breaking those down to get to know me, someone who will actually look forward to seeing me and not flake, someone who will actually stick for once. There's a reason I don't let new people get in beyond the surface. They always let me down. Or maybe it's the other way around. Hell if I know anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know – blah, blah, blah.

Stick a fork in me b/c I'm freaking done and, frankly, I am just too tired to care right now.