Crape Diem

YES, that is NOT a misspelling in the title. UGH! Life seems to be too complicated right now. Too much going on. Too much confusion. Too much not knowing where my path is going.

Just once I’d like to have a stress free, confusion free, drama free year. Is that too much to ask?

So, I genuinely like this guy. This friend from the last post. I don’t know what to do about that. We’re like two magnets – you know, drawn to each other, against our will? Nah, that’s not the right phrase but close.

As I said before, at this point, I don’t see a long term relationship with this guy but, in spite of that he intrigues me, he surprises me, he makes me laugh, he makes me look forward to spending time with him, he makes me nervous, he frustrates me and he baffles me.

We talk, I mean really talk and last night we were saying some of the exact same things at the same time. How weird is that?

We had a little chat Friday night and apparently, according to him, I scare him and he doesn’t quite know what to do with that. I scare him b/c I know what I want. (In whose world?) I have it together. (HA! Good one!) He said on Friday that was the reason that he hadn’t emailed or called me until that night was b/c he didn’t know how to handle his thoughts about me. (I say “whatever” to that.) He said that he wants a wife and children someday but not right now. I told him that was such a coincidence b/c I’m not looking for a relationship with him.

And yet, regardless of that, I’m drawn.

I asked him why me? He’s a super good looking guy and he knows it. He could be with just about anyone. He has a genuine enthusiasm for people and treats everyone equally regardless of ability, size, shape, looks, etc. – I’ve seen it first hand. People are drawn to him. He said “Why YOU? Look at you. You’re a complete pain in my a$$...(he was smiling as he said that and according to him I’m a pain in his a$$ b/c I push back and don’t let him get away with anything). You’re sexy... really sexy. I don’t think you see it but you absolutely are. (Wow, hello there...) I like talking to you. I could talk to you for a long time. I enjoy YOU.”

He said that he tried to stay away b/c he’s not looking for a relationship and yet there I am (whatever that meant). I told him I’m not looking for a relationship either. But then he countered that by saying that he thinks I’m scared to find a good guy. (Has he been talking to MC b/c she says the same thing?) I had to digest that one and emailed him later that he’s scared to find a nice girl. I think that he thinks he doesn’t deserve a truly nice girl right now.

What I didn't haven’t explained yet is that he scares me too, quite a lot, not b/c he knows what he wants - he doesn't, and not b/c he has it together - I think he’s working on that but isn't there yet, no, he scares me b/c he is quite unlike anyone I've been attracted to in a lot of ways and I will admit that I am really quite powerfully attracted. I don't want to be but I am. I'm not quite sure what to do or not do about him. I’m scared silly of allowing myself to feel anything for anyone again and frankly, I’d like it to be with someone a wee bit safer than this guy. This guy is anything but safe or tame, especially for me.

That being said, I enjoy him, I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy his friendship, I enjoy the laughs and the honesty and the kisses but I don’t know exactly how to react when we’re around others. I pretty much ignore that there's anything between us and keep him at arm's length. I really don’t think either one of us are ready to have to explain anything to any of the gang we’re friends with. I know I'm not. And, if it came down to it, I’d rather have his friendship than lose it.

As of right now, I have no expectations and I am just taking it as it comes or not.

I could be wrong and things could change, he could really surprise me and things could progress but for now, as previously stated, I’m just enjoying living in the moment for once. It’s weird b/c I feel like this time I’m experiencing those “typical guy emotions”. You know, the ones where they’re not sure and they aren’t looking for any pressure, any expectations, or any emotional entanglements but at the same time they like the other person and don’t want to shut down any possibilities that may or may not be there? Or is that just me? I’m a little confused b/c I don’t think I’ve ever quite been in a situation like this.

SIGH! MC says that if I blow it by automatically putting up walls and barriers from the start then I might end up with some real regrets. I hate to say that she just might be right on that one.