Live or Die

I'm doing a lot of self-assessment lately and have also been spending a lot of my time on MySpace so I'm not posting as much anymore right now. This post is one that came out of a thorough self-assessment tonight.

My "other mother" sent me a list of "words to live by" earlier today that I posted in a bulletin and some of them particularly struck a chord with me, especially right now.

My best friend called it correctly before she left to fly out to Cali for a few days. (MC knows me better than I know myself sometimes) You wouldn't know it to look at me, to talk to me, to know me, but I'm unsettled. I'm dissatisfied. I look at myself and I'm not happy with where I am in life right now. I have amazing friends, family and a miracle of a daughter that I wouldn't trade for the world, but beyond that? Really, what do I have? I'm at a job that, while I enjoy it and the people I work with, it's not my passion. I don't want to be there forever. I can't see myself there in 5 years or 10 years. I'm nowhere where I thought I would be by now. Marriage should be a forever thing but I'm divorced even though I didn't believe in it. Of course, my ex didn't believe in keeping his wedding vows either – such as the part that says "FORESAKING ALL OTHERS".

So, where do I see myself?

That's just it, I DON'T know. I know that I'm not living my life to the fullest that it can be lived. I'm honest enough to admit to you that I've kind of half-assed it for so long and partly I think that it's a product of trying to keep an even keel in my life b/c my life has been a series of extreme stresses over the past several years - trust me on that one. If I trust you and know you well enough I'll tell you about it someday. Sometimes I think that just one more punch and I'll stay down, but I never do. I guess I'm too stubborn and strong-willed to let someone else or something else get the best of me. Oh, sure, I'll stay down for a little while, licking my wounds, but I'm an eternal optimist in spite of everything. Frankly, I don't know any other way to be, though I admittedly find myself becoming more cynical where love or lack thereof lately. But a growing cynic about relationships can still be an optimist in life right? It'll be a really cold day in hell when I let my circumstances get me down but I've been living in status quo for so long that I'm not sure I know how to take that first step.

MC told me to take these next three weeks that I'm without my daughter to try and figure out myself. Try and find and set a goal for myself. Be good to myself – you know, 'cuz you might be the only one who is. Right?

So, here I am, currently feeling like I am floundering. Wondering what in the world is going to be the next step in my life. Some of the "words of advice" were Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present and also Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

So what's it going to be? Letting my past behavior, failures, screwups, folly's, etc. dictate my future and keep me down? Or am I going to take responsibility for myself in order to make my life better than where it is right now? Is it going to be getting my life together and in order and be busy living or is it going to be sitting there, living the status quo, feeling sorry for myself and where I'm not at right now, not ever taking the next step to give myself and my daughter a better life, and just slowly dying . . . inside, outside, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally?

I'd rather live.

What about you?