You can't handle the truth . . . or can you?

Does anyone value honesty anymore?

Seriously. I'd like to know. I'm not talking about the "does my rear look fat in this outfit" honesty. I'm talking about the kind of honesty that should be shared between people ranging from the "you're really screwing up and though I know YOU know it someone really needs to tell you anyway and that person is me because I care deeply about you and want to see you be the person I know you can be. I want you to know I care enough to say something." to the "I like you but I still have feelings for my ex who broke my heart so no, I'm not going to try and lead you on to make myself feel better, even though I really like you, because I need to straighten things out for myself first" kind of honesty. The one that lets others know that you really do care, that you want the best for the other person. The kind of honesty that lets someone know that you're not interested in playing games but in being real, in being a grown up.

How hard is it to say what's on your mind? True friends are honest even when it pisses the other person off, especially if there is concern over that person's behavior or the decisions they're making in their life. The other person might not like to hear what's being said but if someone genuinely cares about the other person then they'll risk making the other person mad. The truth is not always easy to hear and yes, it can hurt, but better the sting of honesty from a true friend than the kiss of an enemy, right? Or do people prefer to go through life being lied to and losing friends?

So many people are afraid of making waves, making someone angry, afraid of losing someone that they'll avoid confrontation and ignore things until the issue becomes the technicolor elephant in the living room that everyone tiptoes around. Pretty soon though that elephant is going to start stinking up the place pretty bad and cause major damage that can never fully be repaired and can never be undone. You can never, un-see, un-hear, un-feel or un-do any action or inaction.

The longer you avoid an issue the bigger it gets until it blows up and hurts someone, usually always more than one person. Trust me, I am one of the biggest confrontation avoiders, or at least I used to be. After that ostrich head in the sand mentality partially caused the deterioration of my marriage I realized that avoidance of the issues does nobody any good and causes more damage than talking about it and working through it. Avoidance and intentional ignorance is a ticking time bomb.

If people were honest with those they truly cared about there would be a lot less hurt, anger and mistrust in the world. Oh, sure, they say the truth hurts, but that kind of hurt can be a helpful kind, if done with the right motive and caring. It can help others to see and recognize the mistakes they're making so they can avoid them in the future. It can help repair a friendship or relationship. It can build bridges instead of burn them, build lasting foundations instead of breaking them.

Is it only me that values true, real, caring honesty any more? Even if it stings a little, it's better a little sting now than a huge hurt later. Is it so wrong to want the same from someone else? Especially from people you consider friends? From people you care about who you hope care at least a little for you? Enough to be honest anyway.

Live or Die

I'm doing a lot of self-assessment lately and have also been spending a lot of my time on MySpace so I'm not posting as much anymore right now. This post is one that came out of a thorough self-assessment tonight.

My "other mother" sent me a list of "words to live by" earlier today that I posted in a bulletin and some of them particularly struck a chord with me, especially right now.

My best friend called it correctly before she left to fly out to Cali for a few days. (MC knows me better than I know myself sometimes) You wouldn't know it to look at me, to talk to me, to know me, but I'm unsettled. I'm dissatisfied. I look at myself and I'm not happy with where I am in life right now. I have amazing friends, family and a miracle of a daughter that I wouldn't trade for the world, but beyond that? Really, what do I have? I'm at a job that, while I enjoy it and the people I work with, it's not my passion. I don't want to be there forever. I can't see myself there in 5 years or 10 years. I'm nowhere where I thought I would be by now. Marriage should be a forever thing but I'm divorced even though I didn't believe in it. Of course, my ex didn't believe in keeping his wedding vows either – such as the part that says "FORESAKING ALL OTHERS".

So, where do I see myself?

That's just it, I DON'T know. I know that I'm not living my life to the fullest that it can be lived. I'm honest enough to admit to you that I've kind of half-assed it for so long and partly I think that it's a product of trying to keep an even keel in my life b/c my life has been a series of extreme stresses over the past several years - trust me on that one. If I trust you and know you well enough I'll tell you about it someday. Sometimes I think that just one more punch and I'll stay down, but I never do. I guess I'm too stubborn and strong-willed to let someone else or something else get the best of me. Oh, sure, I'll stay down for a little while, licking my wounds, but I'm an eternal optimist in spite of everything. Frankly, I don't know any other way to be, though I admittedly find myself becoming more cynical where love or lack thereof lately. But a growing cynic about relationships can still be an optimist in life right? It'll be a really cold day in hell when I let my circumstances get me down but I've been living in status quo for so long that I'm not sure I know how to take that first step.

MC told me to take these next three weeks that I'm without my daughter to try and figure out myself. Try and find and set a goal for myself. Be good to myself – you know, 'cuz you might be the only one who is. Right?

So, here I am, currently feeling like I am floundering. Wondering what in the world is going to be the next step in my life. Some of the "words of advice" were Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present and also Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

So what's it going to be? Letting my past behavior, failures, screwups, folly's, etc. dictate my future and keep me down? Or am I going to take responsibility for myself in order to make my life better than where it is right now? Is it going to be getting my life together and in order and be busy living or is it going to be sitting there, living the status quo, feeling sorry for myself and where I'm not at right now, not ever taking the next step to give myself and my daughter a better life, and just slowly dying . . . inside, outside, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally?

I'd rather live.

What about you?

Stick a fork

So, recently, last night in fact, I was compared by someone to the woman in Pure Country. No, no, not the bitchy manager one, the other one. The feisty one who closed herself off to George Strait's character at first b/c she'd been hurt really badly and didn't want to go through that pain again. She didn't want anyone to get close so she built these walls and barriers and then when she allowed herself to start to open up she gets smacked in the face by having her fears seemingly come true – right as she makes that decision to allow herself to be optimistic.

Yeah, they were right, that's me. It seems like when one starts to let one's guard down, invariably, usually sooner than later, that person gets sucker punched, disappointed and when it happens more than once that person stops hoping, stops dreaming, stops being optimistic b/c the adage "if it seems too good to be true, it usually is" seems really to be true. Just when you meet someone you think is interesting, funny, who you seem to have a lot in common with, who you enjoyed being around and who seems NORMAL with no apparent issues, someone that you'd like to hang out with and see where, IF anywhere, it might lead . . . yeah, whatever. Trust issues? Yeah, I have them in spades. They were right.

There comes a time when someone can only go so far, so many times, when they just have to stop. Stop putting themselves out there. It's easier to stay behind the ever increasing walls than it is to keep hoping, keep being optimistic b/c, truthfully, right now the glass isn't half empty. It's just plain empty with nothing left in it. I'm tapped. I'm drained. And as much as I want to continue to be optimistic and eternally hopeful, it's too wearing and the continual emotional price isn't worth it. So up go more walls and barriers and maybe some day, someone out there will think I am worth it enough to work on breaking those down to get to know me, someone who will actually look forward to seeing me and not flake, someone who will actually stick for once. There's a reason I don't let new people get in beyond the surface. They always let me down. Or maybe it's the other way around. Hell if I know anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know – blah, blah, blah.

Stick a fork in me b/c I'm freaking done and, frankly, I am just too tired to care right now.

Freaky Friday

I’m preparing to send my daughter off to be with her dad for 3 weeks and hope that he lets me see her during that time, especially since he sees her almost every day during the week. He still hasn’t answered my question regarding that though. GRRRRRR! I want to take Em to the circus b/c it’s a tradition. I don’t know if you remember last year she was chosen to help the Ring Master sing the National Anthem.

I’ve taken her since she was 3 so I’m really hoping to continue that tradition!

So, the time has come for Friday’s Feast once again. Here are my answers

Appetizer
Fill in the blank: The best thing about where I live is that my closest friends are here.

Soup
Create a new name for a deodorant (like "Flower Fresh" or "Shower Scent").
Ummmm, I have no idea.

Salad
What was the last piece of software you installed onto your computer?
eSword

Main Course
If you were to receive a superlative award today beginning with the words "Most likely to...", what would the rest of the phrase say?
"Most likely to continue to choose the wrong men and have her heart continually broken while striving to remain ever optimistic"

No?

How about "Most likely to continue smiling through the rain"

"Most likely to be the person others come to for advice or to talk to"

Dessert
What two colors do you like to wear together?
Black and any color of blue

Now for a Friday Funny:

The Rules of BBQing
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity as it is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. Probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine . . .

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes the dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lunging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine . . .
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine . . .
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off”, and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women . . .

Crape Diem

YES, that is NOT a misspelling in the title. UGH! Life seems to be too complicated right now. Too much going on. Too much confusion. Too much not knowing where my path is going.

Just once I’d like to have a stress free, confusion free, drama free year. Is that too much to ask?

So, I genuinely like this guy. This friend from the last post. I don’t know what to do about that. We’re like two magnets – you know, drawn to each other, against our will? Nah, that’s not the right phrase but close.

As I said before, at this point, I don’t see a long term relationship with this guy but, in spite of that he intrigues me, he surprises me, he makes me laugh, he makes me look forward to spending time with him, he makes me nervous, he frustrates me and he baffles me.

We talk, I mean really talk and last night we were saying some of the exact same things at the same time. How weird is that?

We had a little chat Friday night and apparently, according to him, I scare him and he doesn’t quite know what to do with that. I scare him b/c I know what I want. (In whose world?) I have it together. (HA! Good one!) He said on Friday that was the reason that he hadn’t emailed or called me until that night was b/c he didn’t know how to handle his thoughts about me. (I say “whatever” to that.) He said that he wants a wife and children someday but not right now. I told him that was such a coincidence b/c I’m not looking for a relationship with him.

And yet, regardless of that, I’m drawn.

I asked him why me? He’s a super good looking guy and he knows it. He could be with just about anyone. He has a genuine enthusiasm for people and treats everyone equally regardless of ability, size, shape, looks, etc. – I’ve seen it first hand. People are drawn to him. He said “Why YOU? Look at you. You’re a complete pain in my a$$...(he was smiling as he said that and according to him I’m a pain in his a$$ b/c I push back and don’t let him get away with anything). You’re sexy... really sexy. I don’t think you see it but you absolutely are. (Wow, hello there...) I like talking to you. I could talk to you for a long time. I enjoy YOU.”

He said that he tried to stay away b/c he’s not looking for a relationship and yet there I am (whatever that meant). I told him I’m not looking for a relationship either. But then he countered that by saying that he thinks I’m scared to find a good guy. (Has he been talking to MC b/c she says the same thing?) I had to digest that one and emailed him later that he’s scared to find a nice girl. I think that he thinks he doesn’t deserve a truly nice girl right now.

What I didn't haven’t explained yet is that he scares me too, quite a lot, not b/c he knows what he wants - he doesn't, and not b/c he has it together - I think he’s working on that but isn't there yet, no, he scares me b/c he is quite unlike anyone I've been attracted to in a lot of ways and I will admit that I am really quite powerfully attracted. I don't want to be but I am. I'm not quite sure what to do or not do about him. I’m scared silly of allowing myself to feel anything for anyone again and frankly, I’d like it to be with someone a wee bit safer than this guy. This guy is anything but safe or tame, especially for me.

That being said, I enjoy him, I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy his friendship, I enjoy the laughs and the honesty and the kisses but I don’t know exactly how to react when we’re around others. I pretty much ignore that there's anything between us and keep him at arm's length. I really don’t think either one of us are ready to have to explain anything to any of the gang we’re friends with. I know I'm not. And, if it came down to it, I’d rather have his friendship than lose it.

As of right now, I have no expectations and I am just taking it as it comes or not.

I could be wrong and things could change, he could really surprise me and things could progress but for now, as previously stated, I’m just enjoying living in the moment for once. It’s weird b/c I feel like this time I’m experiencing those “typical guy emotions”. You know, the ones where they’re not sure and they aren’t looking for any pressure, any expectations, or any emotional entanglements but at the same time they like the other person and don’t want to shut down any possibilities that may or may not be there? Or is that just me? I’m a little confused b/c I don’t think I’ve ever quite been in a situation like this.

SIGH! MC says that if I blow it by automatically putting up walls and barriers from the start then I might end up with some real regrets. I hate to say that she just might be right on that one.

Wacky Wednesday

Ok, I know, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Been busy. So, today there is a variety of things I'm posting and later tonight when I can get the pics off of my camera, I'll post them on here as well. I have a meme, a poem and some stream of consciousness writing to post. I've never really been into stream of consciousness writing, but I have had so much going on that it's really the only way to put it down without writing a freaking novel.

Favorites Meme

Stolen BORROWED from UISCE

TIME OF DAY: 20:00 or – on the 12 hour clock – 8:00 PM. Em is usually in bed by that time, on Thursday's Grey's Anatomy is on and usually, when Em is with her dad, that is the anticipatory time right before I step out the door to go out dancing or out with friends.
DAY OF THE WEEK: Saturday. I don't have to get ready for work, I can stay out late at night since church starts at 11:00 the next morning, be lazy during the day if I want, watch movies, lounge in my PJ's and have, in general – USUALLY – no expectations for myself on that day.
SEASON: Fall. The crispness and the colors, the warmish days where one can still wear shorts usually and the cool nights where usually a jacket or sweatshirt is required. Perfect camping weather, perfect bonfire weather...oh, and it's FOOTBALL season!!!
HOLIDAY: Christmas – all the lights, the celebrations, the decorations, the music/carols/songs, the lift in people's spirits to be nicer, the anticipation and excitement of children as they count down to Christmas and, most important of all the others, the birth of Jesus is celebrated.
BEACHES: Never been to a good beach, just the Texas ones and they're kinda dirty though the pictures that I've seen of islands in the Pacific that are stunning. It's kind of irrelevant though b/c I'm a mountain girl. I love the snowy mountains in the winter and the snow capped mountains dotted with trees and flowers in the summer.
FLOWER: White and yellow daisies. They're such a cheery flower!
TALK SHOW: Hand's down – Glenn Beck. He tells it as it is and makes no apologies or excuses – even though he is on the Communist News Network. Pretty much is their "token" conservative.
MOVIE: All-time favorite? The Princess Bride
SOAPS: Right now I'm in the Bath and Body Work's Coconut Lime Verbena stage. Crisp and cool with a hint of the tropics.
BEVERAGE: Liquor: Tequila; Beer: Guinness or Lambic Frambois; Wine: Clos du Bois Merlot or a good, chilled Café Zinfandel; Soda: Sonic's Route 44 Cherry Limeade.
FRUIT: Hmmmmm, watermelon, mango or pineapple. I can't choose just one!
SNACK: I'm not such a snack-y person but maybe I'd have to say honey roasted cashews or Ruffles potato chips with Kraft's French Onion dip.
FOOD: A center cut buffalo filet cooked medium rare/medium with my mashed potatoes. That NEVER will change
RESTAURANT: In Austin: Austin Land & Cattle (NOT affiliated with Texas Land and Cattle, which is an abomination to steak everywhere); In Dallas: YO Steakhouse; Chain restaurant: Pappasito's for their chicken fajitas.
http://www.whiskeytalking.com/

Also, stolen BORROWED from Uisce is this poem that I really like and it spoke so much to me and in a way it fits partly with my stream of consciousness stuff. I wish I had someone to anticipate this with.

will today be the day
heart bursting open
secrets hidden
too much to hide
treasures buried
how many lifetimes
waiting and saving
will today be the day
heart broken open
feelings revealed
nothing to hide
given away
will today be the day

Ok, and now with the SOC stuff. This may or may not be in order of events, though probably not. I've never really done SOC so this probably is nothing like it. LOL!

I hate having acute bronchitis b/c it lingers and I'm hacking and coughing this crud up and when will it ever end? It takes time away from my being able to go to Krav Maga b/c I can't keep up with my lungs and coughing and hacking all over the place. The humidity and heat doesn't help either.

On Memorial Day I was kissed for the first time in almost a year. It was pretty hot! I liked it...a lot... I really kind of like the guy. Never thought I'd be attracted to someone who is almost my height, maybe an inch or so taller, but I realize how comfortable it is, really. No neck cricks and no back aches from reaching, stretching, bending, trying to get to the other person. I'm not expecting anything from him. I like his friendship, I really liked the kisses but he's not a long term relationship for me that I can see. He's someone I wouldn't mind casually dating though.

A different kind of date to remember – Emily was baptized on Sunday! She's been asking for over a year to be baptized. She made her decision to become a Christian three days before her 4th birthday and it was a surprising event for me b/c I didn't realize that she was doing it until she was half way through. It was a joyous moment for me as I have been praying since before she was born for her to make that decision early in life. Jack and Gayle were in town this weekend which is why the church allowed her to get baptized last Sunday instead of this coming Sunday. Jack spoke at my church to an unprecedented completely packed service both hours. Not one seat left empty in a 2,000 seat church for either service and it looked like even some standing room only stuff going on as well. His reception that afternoon was pretty packed as well. It's been good to see them. I'm their road tour coordinator and set up the speaking engagements for him across the US between April and October. I'll be seeing them this weekend to in San Antonio for another event. It's been nice to see them several times this year so far. And nice to have the meetings in places to stay that are cheap – as in free.

UGH! I'm so poor right now. I STILL haven't gotten my tickets to Kansas City for my birthday b/c of things coming up and the prices are doing nothing but rising. I wonder if God is trying to keep me from going, even though I really want to see my friends and really want to get back to Kansas City to just enjoy it and a live baseball game. I don't like baseball on TV, couldn't get into watching it in earnest on the tube, but live? Now that's hot!

Speaking of hot...yeah, that kiss was pretty smoking. Ok, kisses plural, yes, a few more than one. I wonder if he's thinking about them too. It's been about 10 months, according to him, since his last kiss. I don't understand why exactly. Man, he really has beautiful green/grey eyes that hold a hint of blue sometimes and a great smile and I can talk to him for hours on end. He's smart, articulate, funny and really, really laid back and down to earth. Yeah, even with the no expectations, I admit I'm kinda crushin'. He and his roommate live about 3 blocks from me. We met through a mutual friend who is the ex of my best friend, MC.

While we're on the subject of MC, she and I and another friend went to the Biker Parade this weekend and it was glorious and smelly and LOUD and awesome! Oh, and I rode on the back of a bike Friday night after the Biker Parade downtown. MC and I had a friend that was riding in it and we met up with him after. We hung around downtown for a while and then decided to go to this fun little dive bar about 5 or so miles away (it's clean, well lit, has old fashioned table Ms. Pac-Man and air-hockey, etc. and is one of the best kept secrets in South Austin). Well, our friend who was in the parade had never been there so MC said "Who's going to ride with Rob to tell him where to go?" My hand shot up before she was even finished. I was all "Is there REALLY any need for discussion on this? MC, you HATE motorcycles in theory and in practice though you like to look at them. Deb, you own a Harley and can ride anytime. I have not been on a bike since 1994. I WILL be riding with Rob." They all got a big kick out of that. I refused the helmet (NO COMMENTS ON THAT THEY WILL BE DELETED – IT WAS MY CHOICE) and rode with tears streaming out of my eyes from the wind and my hair flying back with this HUGE grin on my face the whole way. It was absolute FREEDOM! I loved, loved, loved it!

I've been cheated, been mistreated, when will I be loved? Good lands, ain't that the truth! That was the first song I ever sang karaoke on. Heck, I'd just settle for a date right now, though I did get those kisses. And, I admit, it was nice, really that he made the move. It was completely unexpected and took me by surprise...the first time. The second time I knew it was coming and dove in with both feet. SIGH! Yeah, I know I've talked a lot about the kissin' but when you're (as MC says I am) touch starved and there's this mutual attraction...or maybe it was the beer talking?...it just kind of stays on the forefront of your mind.

And beer. As Buffy would say "Beer Good!" and as good ol' Ben Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!" MC introduced me to this fantabulous beer that I immediately tumbled head over heels for. Of course it's a bit expensive at almost 5.00 per bottle, but the bottle is a pretty big one. It's called Lambic Frambois. It's a raspberry beer that tastes very unlike a beer and it super, duper tasty! Of course at the price, that's one beer that I won't be indulging in on a regular basis, but it'll definitely be enjoyed on the occasions I can. :)

Ok, so that's all for the rambling SOC, which I'm still not sure if I did it right. I have a lot left inside I could talk about but I won't right now.

Happy Wednesday! We're on the downhill slide to the weekend and I will be extremely happy for that! It's been a really, really busy past four weekends in a row. No rest for the weary. Hope your's is beautiful!