Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Truthful Tuesday

Ok, so I haven't done one of these things in a while but wanted to get some opinions/advice from my blogfriends.

You see, I have a friend. A guy friend. He's, well, he's my best guy friend. Kind of the male counterpart to MC, however he lives 3 states away in near my very favorite city. He is in his early 40's so there are a few years between us. He is unbelievably good looking with a nice physique. Former military/MP. Genuinely, truly nice and a good man. I can talk to this man unlike any man I've ever really been able to talk to. Frank, direct and honest. Literally no holds barred in our conversations, no secrets, no lies, and as scary as that is sometimes for me to open myself up like that it is really, really a nice thing to have that kind of trust in someone of the opposite sex – especially for me who wants to trust others but 99.9% of the time ends up getting burned at some point when I do let someone in.

We met in person last year through mutual friends here in Texas but really started talking via email at the beginning of this year. In many ways we are so very similar and in many ways we are so opposite that if we were to stand on each end of the spectrum, I doubt that we could see each other.

Here's the thing. We acknowledged over the weekend, in a round about way, that there was a pretty good (read: HOT) physical attraction there between us. But, he is all wrong for me in so many ways and we also mutually agreed over the weekend that we know that if anything were to happen between us that it would most likely ruin our friendship and that is a bridge that neither one of us are willing to cross/burn. I enjoy having him in my life as a friend and refuse to risk it and he feels the same.

The other thing is that he is a rather troubled soul at times. He's a Christian, of that there is no doubt, but he struggles a lot with...things, drinks much more than he should (not all the time but when he does drink he usually doesn't stop until he's snockered off his rocker – let me tell you, those emails are interesting), is stubborn when he sets his mind on something that would put a donkey to shame (usually when he's been drinking), he has a...difficult...family, to put it delicately, is twice divorced, has two teen sons, one who is rather troubled himself, and he says things in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back and can be very hurtful. He knows he's a good guy at the heart of it but I think he really has a tough time believing it and in himself – he would say that he doesn't have a problem with that, but his actions speak otherwise. He does some really stupid things sometimes that make me want to get in his face and say "WISE UP! GROW UP! SNAP OUT OF IT!" b/c I truly care about what he is doing to himself and yet, I know if I did he would really be wounded, though he wouldn't admit it, just pull away, his ego/pride/self stung.

I care deeply about him as anyone would care about their best friend and what issues they are going through.

So, question for you – How do I approach him about his self-destructive behaviors without soundly pissing him off or is there no way around it?

I can't write to him like I normally do b/c he gets frustrated by my "wordiness" and usually ends up missing the point in the first place b/c he's more focused on his frustration. He needs to hear it in "guy speak" – so to speak.



Jean-Luc Picard said...

Nic, if the two of you can have honest conversations, then it seems he will know when you saying saying something for his benefit. Is there a mutual friend who might be able to back you up when you talk to him?

enigma said...

This is a toughy. Well, it is obvious that you care deeply about this person. And it is difficult to see those you care about go down a bad road. (So to speak) I had a best friend that wanted to commit suicide because his wife left him. When I put in my two cents, he cursed me out, hung up, and hasn't spoken to me in 6 years. That was and continues to be a HUGE loss for me. Even so, I continue to pray for him.

All that to say this: As long as you are friends, keep it simple. Do the interceding from the outside. Let God handle the man from the inside. Once the tables turn and the friendship is budding into something more, then voice your concerns. You have a baby girl to consider and if he is going to be entering your lives, then you have the right to say what you will and will not allow into your home and life.

When he calls, voice your concern for his well being in a simple way but don't go too far into it. Like "I worry about you when you drink like this."

My mom is struggling with the love of her life. When he's sober, he is the sweetest man. When he's had a couple, it's chest to chest arguments and lonely nights.

Something to consider.