I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies...

Ladies, if you've ever been in labor with the really awful back contractions, you know what I'm talking about. Criminy is my back spasming! It started to go out around 12:40 this afternoon and hasn't completely gone out yet, but is just painful enough to have me on some pain meds. I can't really sit, stand or lay down in any comfortable position and it really bites b/c the pain has just really wiped me out and I'm exhausted! So, I'll just go into being a semi-expository woman about my day.

Oy, today has been a doozie of a day. Why do we dream impossible, heartbreaking dreams? I'm tired of waking up with an ache in my heart, wanting to cry about situations that won't ever happen, that had the chance to happen once but now are nothing more than pipe dreams. It's just one of those dreams where you wake up feeling like crap internally from the events of it which are so vivedly real that you still feel the ache in your heart long after you wake up. One of those dreams that you don't really know how to describe other than weird and disappointing and just leaves you full of questions. It's like the evets of the dream follow you over into waking life. I woke up feeling so sad and so lonely inside and I HATE feeling like that. I'm not going to describe the dream b/c it would be giving away way too much about things that are better left alone for many, many reasons But needless to say it kind of set the whole tone for my day. YUCK!

Em's been sick this past week and has been out of her pre-school class since last week Friday. Tomorrow is the first day she'll be back. I ended up taking her to the doctor today b/c of her ankle. Well she hasn't been that active b/c she's been battling a nasty cold for the past week. Tuesday she went to the park after Matt's and ran around but even before then she had been limping off and on for about a week. That evening it was hurting her so bad that she was crying about it and it was extremely sensitive to the touch and limping all over the place. From what I could discern from her 4-year old description is that she was doing jumping jacks in gymnastics last week and rolled her ankle and fell. But this was her first really active day since then so it seemed to have initiated something.

I called her pedi yesterday and just to be safe they wanted to see her today to assess if she needed possible x-rays. So I took a couple hours off of work to take Em even though it's been crazy hectic since Tuesday and will continue through next week and I took Em in to her pedi and she was trying to show off for him on all the things that she could do on that foor, like nothing was wrong with it but it was still sensitive to the touch so he went ahead and ordered x-rays. He said that at this age it's difficult to really trust their words when it comes to level of pain and he would much rather be safe than sorry, for which I am glad. He's a great pedi. Been practicing almost as long as I've been alive. One of the old fashioned doctors. Anyway, she got her x-rays and went to Matt for the rest of the day while I went to work.

Once I got to work I was literally on the run from the moment I stepped in the door. When it was time for the lunch delivery for the 3 meetings that were going on. I delivered the food which was pretty heavy, especially b/c of the amount of food. As soon as I got back and sat in my chair, my back started just spasming all over the place. I tried to stretch it out slowly but just ended up getting teary from the pain. One of the people I work with ended up telling me I was doing the "granny walk". Oh haha, it is to laugh, you're soooo funny. X^P Basically the granny walk is where you walk hunched over and kind of, but not really, shuffle your feet. Kind of like you need a walker.

Then I talked to my very best friend, MC, and I find out that she is probably being transferred for her job from Texas to either Seattle or Atlanta. She's the friend that brings out the best in me, who's always been there. She's going through a lot on her own now with her upcoming surgery, tummy tuck and arms (she lost over 150 pounds), the possible either loss of her job or a huge promotion - she's not sure which, breaking up with her long term boyfriends this past weekend b/c he doesn't want kids and it's a MUST for her, especially at this age (she's a very young looking 36). We were a real pair tonight on the phone. It's kind of become a habit that every couple of days, if not every day, I call her while I'm stuck in the crappy Austin rush hour. A drive that normally is 20 minutes takes about an hour to get home from the office. She also was stuck at the office until probably 8 tonight so she was bumming about that.

I know that this possible job promotion for her is HUGE. She would become an executive vice president for the company she works for. I mean HUGE! She would literally be able to speak for the CEO/President of this ginormous, Fortune 500 corporation. But they will not allow her to stay in Texas. Said she has to move if they offer her one of the two positions available and move probably by summer. MC's been my best friend for going on 10 years. She just moved back to Austin less than a year ago and I'm really, really bummed at this new development. It's really said but she and my other friend Amy are my only two really, really close friends here in town. Well, practically at all. I don't really spill my heart completely to any other people b/c I just don't have that level of trust for many people. Those two have earned it in a big way. Amy lives outside of town by about 90 minutes and she has two children, one of them austistic and ADD so she can't get into town much.

MC is the one who has been able to drag me out of the shell I've been living in for so long and I HATE going out by myself. She and I went country dancing last weekend and it was the first time in probably 6 years that I'd been country dancing. I used to teach it and dance all the time for many years. I found that I actually got back into the swing of the tricks and spins pretty quickly, but I didn't really dance that much and actually, this is pretty sad to admit, but the guys I danced with ALL asked MC first and then came over and asked me saying "I'm sorry to hear about your divorce" or "So, how does it feel to be single again?" Well first off, a$$, I'm not single yet, I'm still technically married, so I wouldn't know how it feels to be single, especially b/c my heart's not really into trying to be single yet. Secondly, greeeaaaat, it's the pity dance. Just what everyone wants to have to go through.

MC could tell my heart really wasn't into dancing that night. She said it kind of showed. I tried to have fun, I really did, but I just wasn't ready to go out like that. Going and listening to music is one thing, that's cool, relaxed, easygoing and enjoyable. It doesn't take any effort to care what others think or not. Going to a dance place and watching everyone else dance but you and feeling really left out is another. Kind of the sad, sad story of a 32 year old soon to be divorced mother of one. SIGH. How long will it take me until I'm ready to enjoy going out? And if MC leaves, then what? I'm not about to go out dancing by myself b/c I'm not comfortable doing that anymore, and I don't know anyone else well enough that I'd care to hang with all night at a dance place. Or I do know them well enough and I wouldn't hang out with them outside of work. I am so screwed. (Pardon the French but I really can't think of any other word to describe what the situation is)

I wish I could say that I didn't care about being alone and being a single mother, but I do. I don't want to end up by myself for the rest of my life and with a child in the picture who is the life of me, I have to be more than choosy, I have to be extremely careful about who I'm even considering looking for. I have to be picky, I have to be extremely discriminating, discerning, particular and critical about the characteristics, character, integrity, morals, ethics and personality of ANYONE I would even think for one second about letting into my life, even on a casual basis. It's not just about me anymore. It's pretty much all about Emily now. Who would I, who COULD I trust around her? She is the most precious person in the world to me and I wouldn't dare risk exposing her to just anyone so I'm really extremely limited in my choices. Unfortunatly these days the wolves are so prevalent in their sheeps clothing and you can't really trust too many people out there these days. There was a report they were talking about on Fox News about how pediphiles are drawn to positions of authority over children, such as teachers, camp instructors, law enforcemet, church leaders, etc. Even the nicest seeming people could be the devil in disguise. I think I'll be single for a long, long time b/c I really trust very few poeple to be around Emily on a long term basis apart from my current friends (of which there are so few), my family, Matt and Matt's family. I know I can't be paranoid of everyone but Emily is just that special kind of kid so I kind of have to be.

Yes, these lovely thoughts are what run through my mind on a daily basis. I can't afford not to be super careful about who's around Emily and that cuts out a whole lot of people in the world and leaves precious few. But it's those precious few that make the cut who are worth being around me and my family. Just thinking about all of this is enough to give me a headache...and ohhhh, my aching back. YAWN! I'm going to bed. 'Night.