Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


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Friday, April 29, 2005

Famous Misheard Song Lyrics (Otherwise known as Mondegreens)

What is a Mondegreen and where did it come from? Well, according to SNOPES, "the term 'mondegreen' — representing a series of words resulting from the mishearing of a statement or song lyric — is generally attributed to Sylvia Wright, who is credited with coining the neologism in a 1954 Harper's column. Ms. Wright was chagrined to discover that for many years she had misunderstood the last line of the first stanza in the Scottish folk ballad "The Bonny Earl of Murray," which reads:

Ye Highlands and ye Lawlands,
Oh! Where ha'e ye been:
They ha'e slain the Earl of Murray,
And they laid him on the Green.

Ms. Wright misheard this stanza as:

Ye Highlands and ye Lawlands,
Oh! Where ha'e ye been:
They ha'e slain the Earl of Murray,
And Lady Mondegreen.

From the disappearance of Sylvia Wright's tragic heroine, Lady Mondegreen, came the term for describing unconventional interpretations or understandings of oral repetition, usually in the form of song lyrics."

We've all heard them before, or think we have. Song lyrics that we think say one thing and come to find out YEARS later that we have been singing the WRONG words. Ever wonder how many people laughed behind our backs when they heard it? I fully admit to being a lyric idiot on occasion and have posted some of my own lyrical misunderstandings below.

Some of the most common misheard lyrics have been:

Manfred Mann's Earth Band's, "Blinded By The Light"
Misheard Lyrics:
#1. Blinded by the light,
Wrapped up like a douche another roller in the night
#2. Blinded by the light, racked up like a douche,
another loner in the night
#3. Blinded by the light
Wrapped up like a douche under the cover of the night
Correct Lyrics:
Blinded by the light.
Wrapped up like a deuce, another runner in the night

Who knew? Personally, I always thought it was misheard lyric #3. That is, until I heard it clearly two years ago. In high school I was always a little embarrased to listen to that song, even though I loved it b/c I couldn't IMAGINE anyone talking about douches in music back then. How embarrassing for them to sing about that! Little did I know.

Here are some more famous ones:

Deep Purple "Smoke on the Water"
Misheard Lyrics:
Slow talkin' Walter, fire engine guy
Correct Lyrics:
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky.

Dire Straits', "Money For Nothin'"
(Yes, I thought these were the lyrics. Glad I'm not the only one!)
Misheard Lyrics:
We got some in-store microwave ovens
Got some kitchen delivery
We got some movies, refrigerators
We got some movies, color TV.
Correct Lyrics:
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen delivery
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these color TVs.

Elton John's, "Tiny Dancer"
Misheard Lyrics:
Hold me closer, Tony Danza.
Correct Lyrics:
Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

Creedence Clearwater Revival's, "Bad Moon Risin'"
Misheard Lyrics:
There's the bathroom on the right.
Correct Lyrics:
There's a bad moon on the rise.

Probably the most famous of the Mondegreens is this one:
Jimi Hendrix's, "Purple Haze"
Misheard Lyrics:
'Scuse me while I kiss this guy
Correct Lyrics:
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky

Mr. Hendrix was himself aware that he had been Mondegreened, and would occasionally, in performance, actually kiss a guy after saying that line.

Here are some other great, lesser known, Mondegreens over the past decades. You can check out a whole treasure trove of them at the Am I Right web site. THOUSANDS of misheard lyrics are waiting for you to laugh at them!

Tokens, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Misheard Lyrics:
A weenie wack a weenie wack a weenie wack...
Correct Lyrics:
A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh, A-wimoweh...
(Sounds kinda painful to me!)

Louis Armstrong's, "What a Wonderful World"
Misheard Lyrics:
The bride blessed the day and the dogs say "Good Night."
Correct Lyrics:
The bright blessed day and the dark sacred night

AC/DC's, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap"
Misheard Lyrics:
Dirty Deeds and the Thunder Chief
Dirty deeds and they're done to sheep.
Correct Lyrics:
Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap.
(Must have gone to Texas A&M [wicked wink])

Dobie Gray's, "Drift Away"
Misheard Lyrics:
Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul.
Correct Lyrics:
Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul.

Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"
Misheard Lyrics:
Last night I dreamt of some bagels.
Correct Lyrics:
Last night I dreamt of San Pedro.

Johnny Rivers', "Secret Agent Man"
Misheard Lyrics:
Secret Asian man
Secret Asian man
Correct Lyrics:
Secret agent man
Secret agent man.

Jewel's, "Who Will Save Your Soul?"
Misheard Lyrics:
Who will shave your mole?
Correct Lyrics:
Who will save your soul?
(This one probably came from Larry the Cable Guy)

The Monkees', "I'm a Believer"
Misheard Lyrics:
Then I saw her face.
Now I'm gonna leave her
Correct Lyrics:
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer

Sting's, "Fields of Gold"
Misheard Lyrics:
Among the fields of holly?
Correct Lyrics:
Among the fields of barley?
Misheard Lyrics:
I swear in the mist when you left
We walked in fields of gold
Correct Lyrics:
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
(Yes, both of these are my own mishearings. So sad b/c this is in my top 3 for favorite songs of all time.)

And with this last stop on the musical misinterpretations tour, I am downright embarrassed to say that this was my most frequently minsunderstood lyric. I loved this song for years and I mis-sang it for years too. Hey, it was U2, their lyrics can be odd at times so I saw nothing wrong with what I was singing. Nobody ever corrected me, even though they gave me some strange looks when I would sing these lines. Cowards! So here it is from my own humiliating personal experience:

U2's, "With or Without You"
Misheard Lyrics:
See the storm set in your thighs,
See the phone twist and your sigh
I wait for you.
Sleight of hand and twist of fate,
On a bed of meals she makes me wait
And I wait without you
Correct Lyrics:
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I'll wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

So there they are. Go check out some more on your own at Am I Right. I might post some more amusing ones in the future. It really is funny what our ears hear in lyrics instead of what is actually said. A lot like life in that regard. Advice for the day: Really listen to what the other person is saying to you, not just their words but their tone. Otherwise you just might miss the point entirely and hear someone want to kiss a guy instead of kiss the sky.

Normal is such a "relative" term

You Are 65% Normal

(Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal
You're like most people most of the time
But you've got those quirks that make you endearing
You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

A Quick Joke - My Thanks to WP For This One

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,


I Am the Testing Queen

Ok, so one of my new blog faves is Abriendo Puertas. I found her off of Katie MacAlister's blog. Katie writes those great books like Hard Day's Knight, The Corset Diaries and Men In Kilts among many, many others. Anyway, this woman, Barb is her name, is the President of the Chicklit Writers of the World of RWA. She has taken tons of fabulous tests, like the one I did when I first started my blog. And the tests that she has done are so great, that I thought I'd try some of them out and post the results. So, here we go:

This was pretty funny b/c I live in Austin and have for over 31 years. I was born here, grew up here, have lived here all my life, as my profile states. You think I could've escaped even for a test. SIGH.


American Cities That Best Fit You:

65% Austin

65% Denver

65% Las Vegas

60% Seattle

55% Miami

Your True Birth Month Is March

Loves traveling
Loves attention
Shy and reserved
Musically talented
Loves home decor
Not easily angered
Sensitive to others
Loves special things
Attractive personality
Loves to serve others
Loves peace and serenity
Observant and assess others
Loves to dream and fantasize
Appreciative and returns kindness
Hasty decisions in choosing partners
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic

What Kind of a Woman Are You?
You scored 81 looks, 91 personality, 87 politics, and 63 sex drive! You are beautiful, have a great personality, know youre politics, and have a high sex drive. You are the girl of any man's dreams. You know what you are doing in bed, you're fairly conservative, and you know how to treat your loved one. Men have been waiting for a girl like you all their lives. You probably know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You will make someone a great wife or girlfriend someday, if you haven't already. You're the kind of girl that everyone wants. You're probably fun in a conversation and I'm sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, make sure you live it to the fullest, and keep being the person that you seem to be.

And last but not least on this little testing journey:

I don't view myself as Totalitarian, but my responses on this test state otherwise. Though the description isn't bad.

You are a
Social Conservative
(36% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(33% permissive)

You are best described as a:


You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (-50, -63)
modscore: (20, 22)
raw: (2426)

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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Pictures and the First Shout Out

FURY, WRATH, RAGE, radiates from me right now. Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. I had just written a HUGE blog with links, pics and all that stuff and I don't know how, but I lost half of it. My entire body is just vibrating I'm so mad. It only saved less than half of what I had written. So we'll take a DEEEEEEEEEP breath and try again. And SAVE, SAVE, SAVE this time!

Ok, so I'm really getting into this whole blogging thing. I have been able to keep up with some friends that way via the comments and able to see what they are doing in their lives and vice versa. So much easier and cheaper than a phone call - this coming from someone who has a whopping 3.00 and change (yes, that's three dollars) in my bank account until my new job starts. Talk about times being tight. I'm thinking about selling some of the jewelry I make just to have something in the bank. I just might post pics of some of the jewelry I've made, here on the blog and ask for feed back to see if it is anything worth pursuing.

Ok, so now for the real pics. I tried this the other night but when I pub'd it, my whole bio and link section was gone, as in kaplooey, abracadabra, disappeared. I had to do this involved little thing and shrink the pics from their original size. not necessarily time consuming, but a pain nonetheless.

We'll see if it works today.

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Yes, I know this is an old picture, but I'm proud to live in a red state. Though I don't always agree with Bush, I'd much rather have him in the WH than Kerry, who couldn't seem to talk about anything with conviction except for Vietnam, which was a total farce as well.

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Can you imagine looking through a telescope into space and God is looking back in the other end of the telescope? This is a real picture that NASA took with the Hubble Telescope. It is simply called "The Eye Of God". Apropos, no?

And finally on our little picture journey:

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Now for the Shout Outs. This Shout Out is to a trio of smokin' "hott", savvy ladies, hence the flames on the font. They started out as Critique Partners (CP's) many years ago and are still at it. They are the golden trio. Unpubbed when they started, they are now ALL multi-multi pub'd, award winning authors. The are members of RWA/ARWA (see the links on the side) and I am happy to say that they are my friends.

Alrighty, so let's get started first with the deeeeeeelightful Dee Davis. I'm doing this alphabetically and this is my blog. Not to mention I'm in the middle of reviewing her "fabulous" book Enigma. More on that in a few. Dee is a goddess. No, seriously, she is a goddess of chocolate. Mmmmmmmmmm, sweet, nummy chocolate. She is the goddess of Godiva and Ferraro Rocher. Mmmmmmmmm, hazelnutty goodness hidden behind a cripsy chocolate cover. *drool* Ok, this is about Dee and NOT the chocolate. Dee was one of my biggest cheerleaders when I first started in RWA/ARWA. She offered me a towering tray of Ferraro Rochers one time as encouragement and incentive and though the circumstances behind that offer have changed, Dee, when I get pub'd I'll still take you up on the offer, ok?! Dee writes Suspense with romantic elements (SWRE for future reference) and not Romantic Suspense (RS). HUH? There's a difference? Yes there is, and I'll enlighten you to it now. With RS, the developing romance is the central part of the book, whereas with the SWRE the suspense and mystery take center stage and the romance is a secondary part of the book. Dee takes SWRE to a new level and is entirely at the head of her game in this genre. I was thrilled byond belief when she emailed me last week asking me if I would maybe, perhaps, like to review her newest book for her before she opened it up to the general ARWA membership for first dibs on the review. Uh-huh! I jumped all over that like a chicken on a junebug. I had the great priviledge to review a prior work of hers for a Christmastime anthology called "Silent Night". Her novella, Still of the Night received rave reviews and was the strongest novella of the three that were in there. Anyway, Enigma is book two in her delightful "E" trilogy. It comes out in June. (BUY IT, people)

Why is it good to be a reviewer? Oooohhhh, *rubs hands with glee* let me tell you. #1) even though the book is in ms form and not the actual book format, you still get to read it before it hits the shelves. #2) your review gets published in the monthly newsletter and has the possibility of getting picked up in other newsletters across the country.

So, here are the "E" series books by Dee complete with street dates.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Already in stores - BUY IT already, people!
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us The one I'm reviewing - Comes out in June. BUY IT, people!
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Comes out in September. BUY IT, people!

Ok, do you know how difficult it is to get one Single Title (350-400 page size) book published with deadlines and all, much less three in 6 months? KUDOS to you Dee and a big tray of Ferraro Rochers for you!
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Ok, the next stop on our Shout Out tour is the FAAAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS Julie Kenner. She is SOOOO SMOKING HOT that her book - which hasn't even come out yet - Carpe Demon, has had the movie rights sold to it already. The premise of Carpe Demon is "what would happen if Buffy got married and kept her past a secret." I was so green when another ARWA member snapped it up to review. I've had the extreme pleasure of reviewing one of Julie's sizzling spy books The Spy Who Loved Me. I know, I know, I think the publishers screwed the pooch with that title b/c it is ripped from a Bond movie. Julie's original title was so much better. It was The Secret Life of Phineus Teague . Julie is known for her outrageously popular "Aphrodite" series about superheroes living among the normal, everyday, human race and protecting them from the Outcasts - superheroes gone bad. Julie has 5, yes 5 books coming out this year. Talk about a busy beaver! Another of her books that I am EAGERLY awaiting is The Givenchy Code. The one line pitch for it is "a heel-breaking adventure in code-breaking that will bring out the math geek and the fashionista in you."

The book covers for Carpe Demon and The Ginvenchy Code are below along with links to excerpts and shelf dates.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us The Givenchy Code hits the shelves in June. BUY IT, people!
Image Hosted by ImageShack.usCarpe Demon hits the shelves in July. BUY IT, people!

Another cool thing about the Carpe Demon movie deal: Julie gets to play a demon in the movie. Will you be able to spot her?

The final stop on our Shout Out tour is the kicky Kathleen O'Reilly. Some HUGE KUDOS for her: Kathleen's newest book, The Diva's Guide to Selling Your Soul got some SERIOUS blog exposure last week when the delightful DistressedJeans wrote about Kathleen's book on her blog, Image Hosted by ImageShack.us. The Cool thing about this is...the site gets over 10,000 hits a day! You can see the blog here. Another cool thing is that the extremely well known and incredibly popular gossip columnist Michael Gross is quoted on the front of the cover as saying "The Diva's Guide is, as the Shangri-la's once sang, good-bad, not evil." Kathleen's excellent premise for this divine Diva book is this:

She's the talk of the town...
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful . . .

Call me V. I used to be a nobody, just a girl from New Jersey who was probably going to hell anyway-or worse, mediocrity and a size 14. Now I get whatever I desire just by casting a little spell . . . a flawless body, a luxury penthouse, and a Fifth Avenue shop where rich women clamor for my overpriced handbags. Even better, I have power. I can taunt my ex-husband, break hearts without guilt, and love every minute of it. My secret? I lost the one thing I never needed in the first place: my soul. I sold it. And you'll never guess who's got it now.

She's a devil in disguise.

You know her as the dishiest gossip columnist in the city's trashiest tabloid. I call her Lucy. And our deal is this: the more clients I recruit for her Life Enrichment Program, the greater my rewards.

But just between us, my fast track to heartless apathy has hit a few speed bumps-lately, I've had the totally annoying impulse to do things that are . . . good.

First there was rescuing a kid in the park. Then there was the date with the handsome, decent guy who wasn't even a celebrity. What's next, giving to charity or something? All I know is Lucy doesn't like it, not one little bit. And when she finds out, there will be hell to pay. . . .

Find out more about The Diva's Guide by clicking on the picture below. I've read it and it is a truly unique and delightful chicklit book! I've had the pleasure of reviewing a couple of Kathleen's books for Harlequin's Temptation line. I think that Diva is going to be her "breakout novel". She just keeps getting better and better with every book she writes! How does she do it? Maybe she sold her soul to the devil? Nah, just kidding there! BUY THE BOOK, people! It'll tickle you in all the right places.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us In stores now! I highly recommend it.

Ok, so that's it for this blog entry. FINALLY, I got it done. Enjoy the reading recommendations! They're perfect for a lazy day Summer read - and I guarantee, these'll end up on your keeper shelf! You'll want to read them more than once.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Baby Showers, Book Ideas and Boogers

Baby Showers: I went to one of my oldest friend's baby shower today. I have known Roshel for 16, going on 17 years, over 1/2 my life. We went to high school and were in the same youth group together. Actually the youth group came first. She already has 3 boys, but this, this is her first girl. Ever since we were in high school together she has wanted a girl. She used to sit in restaurants with her husband and when someone would walk in with a little girl, Roshel would watch them with an eagle eye and tell Don, her husband, "It's a good thing I'm not crazy". She would always say that she was just astounded at how parents would leave their kids at tables for several minutes at a time. If she were a crazy person she would have absconded with one of them in a heartbeat and not looked back. There were times when many of us thought she would, especially one of ours. When Emily was a baby, Roshel asked if she could adopt Emily. LOL. When Emily was between 6 and 18 months, she looked enough like Roshel that she could have been Roshel's daughter. So after all these years of her desperately wanting a little girl, in less than 3 weeks, she'll have her wish. She was overwhelmed by today's baby shower. She told me afterward that she had never had a nice shower. Isabeau, the name they decided on, will be one well-dressed baby. She probably got around 100 outfits today, and not a single one of them were the same. Roshel and Don, at one time were a very struggling couple, financially. They were having to scrape change together to get milk, it was so bad. Now it seems like they have gotten or have a good handle on getting their feet back under them. I'll have a lot more on Roshel in future blogs. But needless to say, she is one of my dearest friends. Definitely my closest oldest friend. Congratulations, Roshel. You finally have the sweet miracle of a baby girl that you always wanted. May the two of you be doubly blessed!

Book Ideas: When Emily first met Roshel's 2nd oldest son, Jaxon. She was about 6 months old and Jaxon held her for a long time and really just was so very sweet with her. He was 6 or 7 at the time. Even though he was a rough and tumble, solid boy, he was so gentle with her and treated her like she was fragile and delicate. She was, b/c she was a baby. Contrary to the surprisinglyopoular belief that some kids have (Lord only knows where they re told this) babies don't bounce when dropped. It was just such a contrast watching him with Emily vs. his older brother Zayne. With him and Zayne it's nothing but hits and chases and violent dogpiles. It was almost like he was in awe of her a little bit, and she in him - a lot. I started thinking about what might happen when Jaxon and Emily grew up to be adults and say, he thinks of her as a sister-type figure that he used to change the diapers of, while she has been madly in love with him her whole life. What would happen if the last time he saw her, she was a slightly awkward, kind of bookwormish little tomboy teen (ok, not really my daughter b/c she is just beautiful, but think the first Princess Diaries mixed with a dash of Ms. Congeniality) and when he saw her nine years later she had grown into a svelte, self-assured, drop dead gorgeous woman? Well, that idea evolved into what was going to be book 3 of a 4 book series, but it turns out that it works better as the first one. So that is my current WIP (Work In Progress): Engaging Emily. I also have Zayne's story as the 4th book of the series. It was strange, but when I started Engaging Emily more than two years ago (I put it aside in favor of a couple other *ms ideas), it was under a different title and Roshel had just Zayne and Jaxon. Well, in my book, there was a younger brother and a younger sister to those two. Well, now, in the real world there is a younger brother and a new little sister on the way. I was talking to one of Roshel's family friends at the shower and she said that it is strange how things happen. How written word became reality. Yeah, it is kind of strange. Kinda cool too though b/c I was just wanting to write a girl for Roshel b/c she wanted one so bad. Anyway, book ideas come from the oddest sources sometimes.


Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogie in it.

That is Emily's current favorite joke. I taught it to her b/c it's an easy one for kids to remember and she has so much fun telling it. The first time she tried to tell it to my mom, she was laughing so hard she could barely get it out. Why do I bring up this subject?

Pssssst! Wanna see something gross? You know you do.

Ok, here it is:
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The dark things that the red arrows are pointing to are boogers out of my 3 1/2 year old daughter's nose. The dime is there for reference as to how stinking BIG those suckers are. Emily had seemed congested for the past several days, but when she would blow, nothing really would come out. Imagine my surprise when Matt sends me that pic from his phone to mine. My thought was, "Holy moley! You take the three of those and put them together and they would probably cover the surface of the dime." My poor baby. Now them's some boogers right thar!

Wanna see something that will make you squirm? Come on, you know you do.

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That is how Matt got them out of Emily's nose. He said that she was "surprisingly cooperative". Surprisingly being the key word there. Ok, all together now. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! *SHUDDER*

That tissue must have really been cutting a rug 'till the wee hours of the morning!

Sunday, April 24, 2005


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Friday, April 15, 2005

Good week/Bad week

Bad week:
So what do you do when you have no job? Believe me, I've been looking. I have been looking for 3 months for a job. I have my resume out everywhere. I kick royal bootie as an admin. I left my previous job b/c the hours were so God-awful. I was getting there around 8-8:15 in the mornings (no set time to come in) and getting home between 7-8 in the evenings for the most part. When I am told that my daughter is walking around the house holding my picture and crying that she misses me and needs me and pretty much keeps it up until I get home, it's just not worth it. Family is more important than any job, no matter how good it was or how much it paid. Maybe I'm a schmuck, but when the light in my life is suffering because of it, I'd rather be home. However, Matt has her during the day since he works nights so I'm starting to go stir crazy from not having a job. Plus the whole money to pay the bills, etc is kind of a necessity. Had an interview yesterday and it was pretty good, however a big red flag was raised b/c they do not do dependant converage for insurance. Sorry, MUST have insurance for my daughter. I also carry my husband too b/c as long as we're married if anything happens to him I'm responsible for the bills too. Texas is a funny state like that. I found out Tuesday that the job I wanted so badly was given to someone else. It just about broke my heart. See, I've been praying for a job with certain specifics and I know that God will not let me down. I've asked Him to not let me be offered a job that is not where He wants me. So far none of the jobs I've interviewed for have been offered and for the most part that's been a blessing. With the exception of the one that I didn't get. I cried over not getting that one. But, there is a reason that I didn't get it. I might not know what it is but God didn't want me there for some reason. Ok, so that was the bad week.

Good week:
Matt has been really great. He took Emily and I out to lunch at Gattitown yesterday and we had a blast. He paid for everything. It seems that things are getting easier between us. Which is really nice. He also has been treating me pretty good too. I can start to see the man I fell in love with a long time ago again. He even agreed today that it had been really nice this week. I've really been missing him throughout all of our problems. It seems like he's slowly starting to turn the corner back to where he belongs. With his wife and daughter. I've prayed an awful lot for him b/c he's not a Christian, and made a really good showing of running the other direction. Now, he has openly been more willing to talk about Christian things, is even reading a book by a great preacher, not to mention reading the Bible too from time to time. So I'm hopeful. Prayerful. I've been praying for years now that I will not leave this earth until Matt becomes a Christian. So that has been the good week. It's been a long time coming. A very, very long time. Thank you God for the extra special small blessings we are given from time to time in addition to the everyday blessings.

On a different topic, a friend of mine, Brenda Bradshaw, (not that the name should mean anything to you, just to let you know who she is) relayed a beautiful story on her blog about a dear friend of hers who has been deaf most of her life and got the cochlear implants done two months ago and turned on yesterday. She hears better now than most people do after 5 years of having the implants turned on. Now, if you were to know Brenda, she is acerbic and has a biting wit and is just so hyper-enthusiastic and wonderful. There is no happy medium with her. You WILL know what she is thinking and feeling at all times. She just can't hold it in. She's definitely an interesting character and sentimentality doesn't really seem to eminate from her so her last two posts on her blog have been surprising. Surprisingly beautiful. Anyway, if you want to check her out, she's at Brenda's Blog.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Journey To The Past

Talk about a case of "the song remembers when" and "I go back". Heard a song from a tape that my ex from the early 90's made for me. Man, he was my life, or so I thought. I was so wrapped up in him, even though it was a long distance relationship. I never realized how one person could so shape my identity and my self-esteem. But now, older, wiser, more cynical of life, I realize that the best of what I was shone brilliantly when I was with him, and yet, it started to dim and the sparkle faded as I lost myself in him. Lost my identity, lost sight of who I was without him. That one stinking relationship colored every relationship after, even my marriage now.

Ahhhh, to be young and desperately head over heels in love with someone who loved you back but just "not enough" to justify being faithful to you. The brilliant blade of betrayal, slid so sharply and cruelly into the heart, soul and psyche of an idealistic, optomistic 20 year old. It took me over 3 1/2 years to get over that bastard (pardon the French) and I wonder now if I ever really did? I still carry the baggage on my worst days.

When you travel several hundred miles for a 6 week stay to see the person you love and planned on spending the rest of your life with and they go on a date while you are there living in their house for those 6 weeks and they tell you about it the night before; and to find out from four different people that he had been going out on dates while I was here in Texas and he was up in Kansas... Youthful idealism gets flushed down the crapper. Trust gets twisted into something pathetic and sickeningly needy. Like Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias screaming "WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY?" after the funeral of her daughter and wanting to know why it happened and not finding any answers, my belief that there could be a happily every after stood there in the empty hollow of of my heart that had been ripped apart and suddenly it let out this deafening banshee wail that my soul has never really recovered from. Nice little realization there 11 years later.

No wonder all my relationships after that one were dead ends. I never believed I'd find anything like that first true love to fill the permanent cracks in my heart. So, I went looking for poor substitutes yet still managed to find a pretty good guy. Hope springs eternal but is beaten back by the cruel wings of reality and after a while it retreats, cringing, crouching at the mouth of a chasm wondering whether it's best to just take that plunge to its enevitable death or to press back, looking for that last vestige of sun and blue sky coming to show it the way back to the land of the living. How sad and pathetic a creature am I to have loved someone so deeply that even after all this time it still echos through my reality causing havok with those whom I love now?

I should have gotten counseling a long time ago about this. Instead I went to counseling to try and figure out what was wrong with my marriage instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what is wrong with me still. In my imperfections, my trials, my hardships, I have found it surprisingly easy to counsel others in their grief, their pain, their hurts. I'm a member of an online site made up of the walking wounded, for lack of a better phrase. Christians who have gone through the deepest valleys and come out on the other side, battle worn and weary, but wiser for it. Though I personally still feel myself in the valleys on almost a daily basis, trying to deal with the depression I find myself under, I have unintentionally, unwantingly been thrust into a leader position within this group and begrudginly admitting it, I'm good. I don't want it, but I'm not going to turn it down either and abandon it. I stepped up to the plate and took responsibility for a rather large group of people in certain regards and find it not as distasteful as I thought.

Maybe I can start to heal now. As I listen to the song, I close my eyes and can still see him, his smile, those adorable dimples, his heart in his eyes when he looks at me, telling me that when he sees me he feels like he is coming home. Those crazy, lazy days of youth. The natural, wild-crazy-tender ebb and flow of true love. Somehow it no longer hurts as much. Maybe as I start to heal, my marriage will heal too. I can start to take those first steps of admitting where I went wrong, regardless of what he (my husband) did wrong. Hope springs eternal, albeit slowly, even though it took an extended hiatus.

Oh, the song that brought it all back to me like a slap across the face and has forced me to deal with this baggage I've been carrying around for the past 11 years?

"You Were There"
by Tonio K.

well it might have been a vision
or it might have been a dream
like a photograph of eden
it was like no place i'd ever seen

and you were there waiting for me
you shined the light when i couldn't see
i stood at the gate like a stranger
and you were there waiting for me

in the middle of the city
in the middle of the night
i woke up in total darkness
i'd been dreaming about the light

and i dreamed that we were laughing
and i dreamed that we were free
and i dreamed we were becoming
who we were meant to be

and you were there waiting for me
you shined the light until i could see
i stood at the gate like a stranger
and you were there waiting for me

Some songs are defining moments, some songs are stronger than the memories. Everytime I hear this song, which I heard for the first time tonight in about 10 years, I will always remember the golden boy of my youth. My first true love, my first true heartbreak. So long. Go with God. Be blessed. Have a wonderful life with the family you have now. I'll never be able to forget you, I just won't remember you so much anymore.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Today was an unexpected day

Well, I talked to Matt last night and he wanted to know why I was ignoring him. I explained to him that if he insisted on continuing contact with her then he would have no contact with me except to discuss our daughter. He then said that he had thought of asking me to a movie tomorrow. He always does this. Tries to make me feel guilty for having this righteous anger about the situation. But I'm not backing down. And it seems that when I don't back down, then he suddenly starts to get his act together. I don't want to have to be a harda$$ all the time to get him to start acting like a husband should. OK, so on to today...

I ended up going to see "Constantine" with Matt. It was pretty good. Different, but good. So, we get in there and he takes my hand and holds it through the entire movie. So, I decide to ask him if he wants to come with me to the outlet mall to look for shoes for my interview on Monday. I was expecting him to say no. But he said yes. He had to fix a flat on his car, so I waited while he did that in the movie theater parking lot. It was pretty cool b/c he has a portable air compressor. So, him being the manly man that he is (6'3" and 215ish) went shoe shopping with me. Not one fight. Not one tense moment. Not one bad incident. It was...blissfully stress-free. We haven't had a day like that in years, I kid you not. No phone interruptions, except for my mom calling once. No text messages behind my back. Nothing at all to detract from the day. Matt really made an effort today to have it be a good day and it paid off. We're going to start having dates once a week. At least. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping for the best. Doesn't mean I'll get it, but I can at least hope for it.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Yes I am, I don't care what he says...

Ok, so I took one of those little "online tests" today about what is your "love style" and after answering the questions honestly, this is what it described me as:

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

Now, Matt, my estranged husband would laugh his ass off b/c he has a far different opinion about me, but it's just b/c we can't get over the GLARING obsticle in our marriage: his refusal to get rid of the hussy he's been living with for over a year. He says they're "just friends". Yeah right. He moved out and wanted to work on our marriage but he refuses to let her go. He promised me that he would not have any further contact with her. So far he's lied to me several times about that. And he gets angry that I've found this out. WHA??? 'Scuse me? He's angry that I found out that he's been lying to me. Hmmmm, which one does he want to be? The pot or the kettle? I kind of feel like being the kettle. Doesn't matter, they're both black. Well, if he refuses to drop her, then I refuse to work on this marriage. There's only room for one woman in it and he's made it clear that so far, he doesn't want to follow that rule. Am I just a total dumbass? I think maybe. But then again, I think maybe I'm starting to grow some balls where he is concerned too. I've blocked him from text messaging me at all b/c if he can't stop communicating with her then he isn't going to have any with me except to talk about our daughter. Good plan? Maybe. Doubt it will make any difference to him though.