One is the loneliest number

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know
`Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two

Why is this time of the year harder than any other for me? That's easy, this is the time of the year made for couples, spouses, lovers. It's the time of year that gets rubbed in the faces of the single people out there who want to be in a relationship and find themselves alone.

It would be so easy for me to do what I see a lot of single moms doing here in Austin. Now, this is not a slight against all single moms b/c I know that there are single mothers out there like me who put their children first, however... I see a lot of single moms out there who make bad choices b/c they don't want to be lonely. They hook up with the wrong person, they go out and party all the time, their bedroom door might as well be a revolving one and they don't care how it affects their children.

It would be so easy for me to date because I hate being alone. I really, really dislike sitting and watching movies by myself after Em has gone to bed on the weekend. I really want someone there at the end of a tough day to hold and let the tension ease out just by being able to cuddle for a few minutes in silence. I miss flirting, I miss holding hands, I miss the affection, the anticipation of seeing someone, the kisses, the hugs... Sometimes it feels almost like an obsession to me, the wanting someone there. But, even with all that I feel about this, I willingly choose to be alone.

Why?

I want to show my daughter that it is better to be alone than to choose the wrong person just because you're lonely. That decision has been the cause of a lot of heartaches, a lot of headaches and a lot of problems for many people – just because they couldn't control themselves or their libido.

For so much of my life I went with the wrong people, the wrong choices, the wrong path b/c back then it was easier for me to just give in to my wants, my desires, my needs, instead of waiting for God to give me the one that He has in mind for me. There are so many things that I've done wrong in my life that I knew were wrong and now I want to do the right thing.

Many of you who read me know that last year I was dating a truly wonderful guy who was stationed in Iraq. After some things happened in my life that led to some personal realizations, one of which that I still had some baggage to deal with and he deserved better than that, I also came to realize that I was not ready for a relationship with someone who was so far away. I also came to the realization that while I like laid back, I need someone who is more driven than me – to compliment my personality – I need someone to push me and in turn I can help them to take time to relax.

At first it didn't really bother me that Dan had been in for 10 and wanted to get his 20 and made no bones about it (for those of you who know nothing about military life "getting 20" means that they are in for 20 years at which time they can retire and have full insurance paid for the rest of their life and ½ salary every month for the rest of their life – even though they are no longer active military). I thought about it for a long time and understood finally that I was not ready, nor was I willing to spend the next 10 years of my and Emily's life on a succession of spending every other year with him and then seeing him 2 weeks a year on the every other year he is deployed – as tends to happen on average to those in the National Guard. As it was, we met online at the end of June, were together during his leave for a total of about 6 ½ days and he recently got extended for another 125 days. It would have been a year or more from the last time I saw him before I saw him again and a relationship I am involved in must have proximity.

I don't mind long distance, I've done long distance – more than once, but I would like to see the person at least once a month or once every 6 weeks or so. 6 ½ days in 12 months doesn't cut it for me. You can get to know someone online, but it's not until you actually spend time with them that you find out whether or not they are who they say they are and if you are even a fit. I am at the point in my life where I want to find that out from the beginning instead of waiting 2–3 years or more to figure it out.

I have a tendency to jump in with both feet from the start and in so many ways Dan was such a great catch, but as I have replayed some of the discussions/times together, I began to understand that there was someone out there for him that was better for him than I was and I wanted him to find her. More than anything I wish him love, happiness and success in life. He deserves all of that and more. He is a phenomenal person and one I can't say enough good things about. If he ever needed my help for anything all he would have to do is ask. He is that kind of good guy.

Another thing is that I had asked God for one specific thing so that I would know that this was the person for me. It was something that would materialize in conversation – of which we had plenty of and it could have come up at almost any time but it never did and I was not going to "lead" him into that direction b/c it would have been false on my part. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but then again I'm writing more for myself right now.

Bottom line is, I yearn for a relationship, but I am not going to jump into one b/c I'm lonely or can't "control" myself. I know myself well enough to know that I can't get involved with anyone without my heart getting involved as well. That's just how God made me. I don't want anymore heartbreak on anyone's side I don't want to make the same mistakes now that I made in the past. That's what growing up and maturing is – learning from your mistakes to make you a stronger and better person.

I want to give Emily the best example that I can of someone who is following God's will and waiting on God's timing for her life instead of jumping from one failed relationship to another or getting stuck in the wrong one b/c I was so desperate for one. The best example I can give Emily is how I live my life – is it for myself or is it for God and for her? So until God brings that person along in my life, I will focus on being the best example in my life that I can be for my daughter so that one day she too will make the right choices in her life that honor God and her future spouse instead of the wrong ones that do nothing but cause hurt and harm. That doesn't mean I will sit back and be complacent, rather, I will be on the look out and meet people b/c one of the people I meet will be that someone that God has in mind, not just for me, but to be part of Emily's life as well.

Psalms 37:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.