When the vows break...

So, how does one go on with being betrayed in the worst way by their spouse? Blissfully going on in life with the belief that my marriage was strong, that I’d finally found someone who was trustworthy...after all, hadn’t he proved it many times? Sure, we’d had a couple bumps in the road since he moved to Midland for work, but we were good.

Or so I thought.

Imagine my shock when I got a call from my husband the Wednesday before Easter letting me know that he’d been in the hospital the previous night because he’d broken his hand.

Imagine my total and complete surprise when I found out that the reason for the broken hand was because he’d not only been having an affair, but living with her and she finally found out he was married and broke up with him, resulting in his broken hand.

On top of that, he admitted to drug use for over two years that he was able to successfully hide from me and a growing disposition toward alcoholism.

It’s easy to hide those things when one acts no differently at home on the weekend visits. It’s easy when one’s spouse hasn’t had experience being around people on drugs and therefore has no idea what to look for and chalks it up to the stress of not having a job for a long time, injuries, having to move to find work, etc. It’s easy to lie when one has successfully lied to everyone most of their life and covered it up more than convincingly.

How could the man who had been such a great father to my daughter and our son, who had been the man I doted on and loved with all my heart, decide that he was done? Decide that he was going to be selfish and do what he wanted and just throw everything away?

There was nothing that I could say or do that would change his mind from the course of divorce. Even though I was willing to work on it. Wanted to work on it because he was my husband and I loved him. I was told that either I would file for divorce or he would because his heart wasn't in it, he had zero desire to even try to work things out. In order to keep the case here in Austin so I didn't have to travel and leave the kids here I got the papers prepared to file here.

Imagine the biggest shock of all when I found out one week later that I was pregnant! He was very unhappy about that because in the state of Texas there is no divorce when there is a pregnancy between the divorcing partners and this was thwarting HIS wants. I went to the perinatal doctor for an ultrasound and there was the teeny tiny baby and a very low heartbeat. Only 72 beats per minute. I still had hope that I would carry this baby to a safe, healthy birth, unlike the miscarriage I had on Mother’s Day the previous year.

Sadly, that was not to be. The weekend before Memorial Day Weekend I started the process of miscarrying and that Monday I did...the day before I started a new job after having been laid off for about 4 months. A couple weeks later I finally filed for divorce. At that point I’d heard next to nothing from my husband other than his problems and needs from trying to commit suicide and then wanting me to talk him down at 1:30 one morning and around 3 in the morning the next time around.

So, the question goes back to how does one deal with these compounding stresses?

Romans 8:28...For we know that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose.

It is ONLY because of God that I can get through everything that life has thrown at me. He has been my Deliverer, my Protector, my Fortress, my Strength and my Guide. He has been the one who kept me blessedly numb emotionally when all of this was hitting me, so that I could go on with my new job and continue to take care of my children. God is the ONLY reason that I have the strength that I do. That I can look forward to my future. That I can look forward to loving again when the right person comes along.

God has provided for me so far and I know He will continue to provide all of the needs that I and the kids have.

With God ALL things are possible, including a beautiful, bright future that is uncharted and lies ahead of me. Praise God for His tender mercies toward His children. Thank Him in ALL things because everything He does is for our benefit and growth and for His glory.

Hardest thing in the world to do is praise Him for the bad in your life, but you have to remember that nothing happens to you that hasn’t first been approved and ordained by God. Remember, it’s for our growth and maturity. The hard times show us if we will turn TOWARD God or turn FROM Him. It shows us and others the content of our character.

What do you want your character to say about you?

Oh, Friday, Friday...

So I have one child with viral tonsillitis...because that's ALWAYS so much fun! Which child is it? My poor little man! :-( My mom was able to get him from school yesterday when they called me and he was running a 101 fever. She was able to watch him up until about 3 yesterday and thankfully she's able to watch him today as well. She took him to the doctor yesterday just in case it was ANOTHER ear infection – it would be his 10th one of the year. SIGH! Thankfully, while he has fluid in both of his ears it is not an ear infection...yet(those tubes on the 23rd can't come too soon!). Alas, he really is following in the family hereditary steps with both his ears and tonsils.

Both Em and I had major tonsil issues before we had our tonsils taken out and the tonsils seem to be tied to the ear infections. From infant through pre-teen I had literally DOZENS of ear infections and 8 sets of tubes between the ages of 18mo - 10 years. That's almost one set every year. I know that when Em and I had our tonsils taken out we both pretty much stopped having ear infections altogether. Since getting the tonsils taken out, I've had 2 ear infections since then the late 80's and Em's had zero in the last 3 years.

Nate will have his tonsils taken out between the ages of 2-4. I know that both Em's and my tonsils would swell to the point of touching and create pressure in the tubes and against the ear drums, which creates even more pain than just a normal ear infection.

As far as Nate's ears go, with the amount of fluid from the drainage in his ears due to his allergies, both the pediatrician and ENT said that he is hearing normal speech patterns in a distorted manner b/c of the fluid so if he doesn't get the fluid out of his ears, he will talk the way he hears the speech patterns and noises - in other words, he will end up sounding like how deaf people who can talk sound. IDK if you've ever heard someone who lost their hearing as a child and are now partially or totally hearing impaired, but that is most likely what he would end up talking like as a child and would have to go into speech therapy to correct.

On another note, I'm SO EXCITED because Em and I get to see Voyage of the Dawn Treader after work/school today! The Chronicles of Narnia are the first books I can remember reading to myself at age 3. They are my favorite books of all, even to this day! I re-read the entire series every year. They're magical books to me and really grew my love of the written word as a child.

Em and I have seen the last two on opening day right after picking her up from school, so we're continuing the tradition with this one!

I loved Voyage of the Dawn Treader because sooooo much happens in it and it's also the last time where Lucy and Edmund appear in Narnia until the end of The Last Battle (not counting "The Horse and His Boy" where ALL the Pevensies are there during their reign as kings and queens). The Dawn Treader is kind of epic! And it's also where Reep goes to Aslan's Country at the end of the book. I'm getting shivers just thinking about it! LOL!

I know that there are rumblings and grumblings about the "plot changes" but I've researched those plot changes and they all sound pretty minor, relatively speaking. Almost everyone who has seen this movie so far says that it's really great! I'm looking forward to it even more after reading the reviews!!! I just LOVE C.S. Lewis!

Voyage of the Dawn Treader, here we come!!!!! 

In Other Words for November 30

This week's quote:
"There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way”.
~ C.S. Lewis
Which one are you?

Honestly, I've been both. I've struggled to be the person who says "Thy will be done". I WANT to be that person. I yearn to be able to just turn everything over to God without hesitation or reservation, without conditions or stipulations.

In reality I find myself saying, "Ok, God, but only if..." or "Thy will be done, Lord, as long as it's..." and I've clung so tightly to the problem I've been trying to hand over to God, like a kid with a piece of candy that's fallen in the dirt, but they still don't want to give it up. How pleasing is that to God? It's like I'm telling Him, "Ok, God, I'm going to let You have this...welllll, maybe not...ummmm, I know I can't handle this on my own and I need Your help, but I don't trust You to do what's best for me – or at least what I think is best for me."

I have to laugh at that! Not trusting God to give us what WE think is best for us...how arrogant and ungrateful is that? God wants nothing more than to give us THE best – HIS best, but we so often spit in His eye and turn our backs like a petulant little child, so He often gives us what we want at that moment in order to teach us a lesson.

We find out sooner or later that what we thought we wanted is the worst thing for us. It turns out to be like a child getting a bad stomach ache after eating too much candy. We wail and moan and cry out in agony, "WHY did You let this happen, God?" and then we're reminded that it's because it's what WE wanted, and suddenly what WE wanted isn't so sweet any more. Often times, God gives us what we WANT in order to see that it's nowhere near what we need.

God teaches us through our hubris and folly and selfish desires that what WE want is not always what is best for us, especially if it falls outside of the realm of God's blessings and the path that God has set before us. Stray just a little and get caught in the powerful snares, brambles and sticker patches of the not so pleasant aspects of the world. You think that you can find something else outside of God to fulfill you and that just isn't the case. It's far from the case, in fact. You usually end up hollow, empty, looking for purpose and meaning and wondering where the life is that you wanted and how you can feel successful, be successful, have everything you thought you wanted and still end up being the most unfulfilled you have ever been.

I've been on the receiving end of "All right, then, have it your way" far too often and I found out that I don't like to be there. It's never what I thought it would be, kind of a letdown really. A major letdown.

So why go looking for a "letdown" when you can have everything amazing that God wants to give to you?

All you have to do is just say "Thy will be done" to God and MEAN it! No half measures. No "ifs, ands or buts" when it comes to God. Just let go...and let God take care of it all.

Thy will be done, Lord...

I'm trying...

I still have a ways to go, but I'm working hard to get there.

THY will, Lord...NOT my will...

To view other perspectives on this In Other Words quote, please visit our hostess this week Esthermay @ The Heart of a Pastor's Wife.

There is no ME in Christmas

Many, many years ago, back when I was young, single and, I admit it, a little full of myself, I remember my mom asking me to go to the grocery store to get some last minute food items on Christmas Eve, before we left to go to our church's candlelight service and before the store closed. Since the store was just a few blocks away, I said, "Sure, I'd be happy to".

When I was in the store, I saw a sign that said "Full Whole Chicken Meal: Whole roasted chicken, choice of 3 quart sides & a package of rolls - $4.99!" Wow! What a deal. Too bad, I didn't know anyone or have the need myself for that because that store had some really yummy stuff in their deli section. No, best just get that stuff mom wanted and go back to her house.

Well I stopped at the stop light and wouldn't you know it, right there on the median, next to the grocery store, was a very popular place for panhandlers. You know, the people we all tend to avoid for the most part. Standing there that late afternoon were two men in worn winter wear, grubby, unshaven, kind of standing together to keep warm against the wind. In Central Texas it doesn't often get COLD-cold, but I remember that this Christmas Eve it was nippy and the wind had a strong bite to it, as well as being quite strong and gusty. There were absolutely zero other cars around that particular afternoon. I had also been the only person in the grocery store – aside from the workers. It was just me and those panhandlers there at the light.

I can still remember the face of the man who caught my eye and he offered me a genuine, if somewhat shamed, smile. His dirty blonde hair ruffled in the breeze under a well worn knit cap. His fingers looked stiff and cold as he held a small sign against the battering of the wind.

The light turned green and I drove off, on my way to drop the requested food off at my mom's. For some reason I just couldn't get those two men off my mind. I looked at the clock at my mom's and only a few minutes had passed, a few minutes closer to when the grocery store closed and when we had to leave to go to the candlelight service. I had an ever increasing NEED to go back to the store and get them that meal. Really, cost of the meal and a couple of drinks to go with it were negligible compared to the urgency I had burning inside of me to provide a meal for those men.

I told my mom what I felt I needed to do and with her blessing to go ahead, I rushed back those few blocks to the store. The men were still there when I drove by. I hurried to the deli area and said, "I'll take one of the Chicken Meals, please". I got the meal with the sides, plus a couple of bottled cokes for them to drink.

I walked out of the store, feeling so full of warmth and happiness to be doing this – a first for sure – that I felt like I might burst from the inside out. As I drove up to that street corner, that bubble of good feelings deflated. They were no longer there. In the few minutes I was in the store, they had left. It was now 5:55.

I wanted to cry. The feeling of utter sadness and disappointment washed over me and I sat there through a green light, still the only car on the road, wondering what to do now. I had to get back to my mom's but I HAD to find those men!

So I slowly canvassed the cross roads and after a few minutes of increasing sadness from failing to find those men, I came upon a partially sheltered bus stop, just about 100 feet from the original median spot where the men had been standing. There were two men sitting there, huddled against the increased gusts of chilly wind.

I stopped right there in the middle of the street and rolled down my passenger window and asked them if they were the men that had been standing there at the median. The blonde man walked over and said, "Yes, ma'am, we were standing there". I breathed a huge sigh of relief and said, "I have been looking all over for y'all!" and handed over the bag with the food and drinks.

"Here, these are for y'all. I just really felt a need to get this for y'all...oh shoot! I'm so sorry, I forgot forks and stuff for y'all to eat with!" I started tearing up and the man smiled and said, "Well, that's ok, ma'am, we're used to not having things like that to eat with. We really thank you for thinking of us and giving this to us. Really, thank you, ma'am."

He and the smaller, brunette man attacked the chicken with gusto and then, mid bite, the smaller man looked up at me and nodded his head and offered a shy smile. I told them that I hoped that they did have a Merry Christmas and the blonde man paused and said, "Ma'am, this is the only Christmas we're getting this year, thanks to you. This is our Christmas."

I nodded and smiled and drove away before the tears spilled over and down my face. I couldn't contain them as I cried in my car back to my mom's and sat in the driveway, trying to compose myself before going inside.

Here was I, a bit spoiled for a middle class young adult, truly realizing with crystal clarity that there was MORE to life out there than what I want and what's important in MY world. Oh, I wasn't a selfish person, just one who was more secure in making sure my own needs and wants were fulfilled, and I had been brought to my proverbial knees with emotion over helping someone less fortunate than me. I felt so small and insignificant in light of the magnitude of doing for others and giving these men the only Christmas they were going to have that year.

I never saw them again at that corner, but every single Christmas they are at the forefront of my memory of the heaviness and sadness at realizing the hardship of the life of others and the fullness and joy of how it felt to think of others before myself and provide for them and I have tried to live that giving experience ever since.

That truly was the most moving Christmas experience I've ever had, all thanks to two homeless men on a median in the middle of the street on Christmas Eve.

After all, it really isn't about me, especially at Christmas time.

The birthday of a miraculous angel baby...

I never imagined I would be a mother again. It was always my dream to have a house full of children and I was going to be the "perfect" mother. My life as a mother was going to be like a Disney movie! Everyone happy, birds singing, daily activities, etc. were going to be scheduled perfectly and life was going to be just GRAND!

Oh, how vastly different life actually is!

After my beautiful Emily was born 9 years ago, I was told that the chances of me getting pregnant again would be the equivalent of lightening striking twice or winning the lottery. I was told that she was a miracle child who I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant with in the first place. So I lived for 8 years with the knowledge that she would be the only child of mine grown in and born from my body.

Imagine my surprise when, March 27 of 2009, I took a test and H-E-L-L-O-O-O-O-O pregnancy! I never could have imagined that at the age of 35 I would have gotten pregnant again. Nathaniel's pregnancy was rough as far as my health was concerned. Diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension and, shockingly enough, a previously undiagnosed Type 2 diabetes that I had to take insulin for during the pregnancy...not to mention there was a real chance of miscarriage those first 3 months b/c I didn't have enough progesterone to sustain the pregnancy and had to go on progesterone supplements and experienced several bouts of spotting and bleeding during those first touch and go months. But through it all, we prayed for that little, yet to be born baby. We prayed for that miracle and loved that tiny little life growing inside of me with all of our hearts.

Nate was born about 3½ weeks "early" at 8 pounds, 10 oz and 20" long at 12:11 in the morning on November 19. His birth was no less traumatic than my pregnancy.

When one is pregnant there are so many hopes and dreams and visions of the future that enters into your mind for that child. I had longed for a son and now we were going to have one. I went into labor early and after two days of labor they went ahead and put me in the hospital due to high blood pressure, he hadn't turned the direction they neeed him to yet (from front to back or back to front, I can't remember) and he wasn't descending with the contractions like he was supposed to so the option of a c-section was still on the table, which I did NOT want. Finally close to the end of the third day of labor he turned and they gave me the lovely epidural then they broke my water. Six hours later, starting my fourth day of labor, I was at 10cm and then he came fast. Thank God he did with what happened next.

My contractions had slowed to 2-3 minutes apart once he started to come down and I only pushed a total of about 15 or so times. About 3 different "sets" of pushing. After only 10 minutes of pushing he was "right there" but not out and the last contraction just wouldn't stop coming. My OB told me that with a small snip he would be here on the next push so I said ok.

Through the noise I heard something about the cord being wrapped around his neck and they couldn't get him all the way out without cutting it first. He was only out about to his chest at this time. After cutting the cord, they got him out and I looked up and he was bluisn-purple. Limp. Ragdoll-like. Not breathing. Not moving. Nothing they tried could revive him. Not chest rubs. Not oxygen. Not anything. My heart skipped a beat. Then another. It was like time had stopped and with it, my world.

And all I could think of was seeing him flop around. That horrible, ugly color of death and completely unresponsive. All I could do was mentally stutter out a half formed prayer of "Please, God, please". To have come so far and through so much with this child, it just wasn't fair to have it end this way. The room was crowded with my OB, the nurses and several people from NICU. Oscar couldn't handle it and had to go out into the anteroom of my hospital room because he couldn't bear to see Nate like that and he was only getting in the NICU team's way.

It seemed like forever, but in reality maybe only about 4-5 minutes and then I heard the precious sound of Nathaniel's weak cry which grew to a steady howl and I could breathe again. The pain and pressure in my chest lifted and the panic went away and peace came in. Such a flood of love and joy and relief as I held my son and heard his breathing. I thought of what could have happened had I opted to wait until the next set of contractions to try and get him out. How much longer he would have been without breathing. How incredibly thankful I am that my OB suggested the episiotomy that got him out in one last push - and that I completely trusted her judgment to do that.

I think it's why those first couple of weeks I couldn't put him down or be away from him for more than just a couple of minutes. I think that it made me realize just in the span of a heartbeat it could have all gone so much differently. I could have had empty arms instead of arms that were holding my second miracle child. I couldn't stop crying the afternoon the 3rd day after Nathaniel's birth as a wave of panic swept over me. Traditionally the 3rd day after death is the burial day after someone dies. Holding Nathaniel instead of standing at a tiny graveside made me realize how very blessed and lucky I was, how much God had graced me with Nate's life. How much I owe that I can't repay. I can never ever take his precious life for granted b/c I almost didn't have him to begin with.

Sadly, a few months later, I did miscarry a third child – on Mother's Day. It made me that much more appreciative and thankful for the life of my son, my little angel baby. The second life I wasn't supposed to have been able to get pregnant with. The infinitely precious life that I thank God every day for and who is a miraculous ONE YEAR OLD today!

Nathaniel, my precious and much loved child...your name was chosen by us because you ARE a gift from God. You make our lives richer and better and more blessed by being in them. My prayer for you as you grow from a toddler to adulthood is that you grow in the grace and admonition of the Lord, the one who knitted and formed you in my body; that you grow to love Him completely and follow the path He has laid out for your life and that you look to Him to help you with your problems instead of the world...for GREATER is HE that is in YOU than he that is in the world. I pray that you come to know him as your Savior at an early age and that you have the characteristics of wisdom, compassion, understanding, self-control, respect for yourself and for others, a peaceful spirit, a generous and loving heart and the strength to stand up for what is right to protect the innocent and those weaker than you and to always have a kind word and a smile for others.

Nate, you are my angel baby. Delivered from death into the loving arms of your mommy, daddy and family by a compassionate and loving God. I thank God every day for you. You were created for great and wonderful things...beautiful things...things of God.

Mommy loves you, little man. May you always feel the love we have for you and know that you are blessed as much as you are a blessing.

Happy First Birthday!

With all the love in my heart,

Mommy!

Nathaniel Lawrence Kelso
November 19, 2009
Your birth:










One Year Later:

Nathaniel Lawrence Kelso
November 19, 2010

When the blessings are stressing me out...

Have you ever had one of "those" days? I mean one of THOSE days where it seems almost everything is going wrong. Where all the drivers out there are being jerks and you barely avoid multiple accidents. Where you're really feeling under the weather but know that you're not sick enough to go home, and besides there's tons of stuff to do at work. Where you're the one doing everything around the house AND dealing with sick and/or cranky kids AND dealing with not having enough money to pay the bills b/c you're operating on one paycheck for several weeks or months instead of two AND dealing with not having a few spare moments to yourself, unless it's right before bed it seems, AND dealing with feeling like you're on the verge of an emotional and/or mental breakdown b/c you're overly stressed with seeing no end in sight to the messes that keep piling up from everyone else not picking up their stuff and you just want to throw in the towel and say, "I QUIT!" (At least for the night)



I'm right there with ya. There are days I feel too stressed to feel blessed. That's my own little rendition of the cutesy little quote "Too blessed to be stressed". 'Cause I tell ya, that's so not the truth. There are days when you are too stressed to feel the blessings in your life and it's ok. You are, after all, "only human". As much as you try and be "SuperMom" and "SuperSpouse", there are days when you just feel like a super grump. It happens. More often than we'd like to admit. Especially to those moms/wives, like me, who work a full time job and then come home to another full time job.

There are times where I want to know where my "Easy Button" is!!! Chianti? Calgon? Margarita? Massage? Anything? Somebody? Hello? Hello-o-o-o-o?


In search of:


It's tough some days. Often, a lot tougher than we want it to be. As stressed as I get and some days as much as I am unable to FEEL the blessings God has graced me with, I still know they are there and I am thankful b/c I know it could be so much worse.

My family is alive and well, relatively speaking. I don't know what I would do if Emily or Nate were taken from me and I could no longer hold them and love on them. They are my life! I don't know what I would do if Oscar were not there to give me the peace and comfort I receive from just being next to him. I don't know what I would do if my mom were not there to be such a bastion of support for me. I don't know what I would do were I not sure of where I am going when I die.

All of those, except the last one, are also huge stressors for me, but as much as they can stress me, they also bless me.

For as much as Emily can stress me with her 9 going on 16 attitude lately, for as much as Nate exhibiting a pretty strong temper and independence already, for as much as Oscar doesn't pick up his stuff and leaves trash just laying there instead of throwing it away, for as much as my mom and I can disagree about something to the point we're almost yelling at each other...the blessings I receive from them far outweigh the stresses.

Emily has such a desire to help and such a tender heart and still is very much a cuddle bug. I crave her sweetness, her hugs and her desire to just spend time with me. Whether it's watching a movie, or reading or knitting, that time spent together is so precious to me.

Nate is learning so much, so quickly, and yet he gives the sweetest smiles and kisses and has such an enthusiastic desire to get a "Yayyyyy, Nate!" It makes my heart swell when he looks at me in a room full of people and practically yells out "MY ma-ma!" and crawls over to me as fast as he can and then stretches his arms up to me to be picked up and then lays his little head on my shoulder and pats me with his hands and says, "I you" (I love you).

Oscar loves me and puts up with my little quirks and stress outlets and that means so much.

My mom, well, I don't know what I would do without my mom in my life. She is my voice of reason, my anchor, the first person I tell a lot of stuff to in order to get a better perspective on what's going on. She IS among my biggest blessings b/c she is also one of my very best friends. She sees me for who I am and loves me anyway. LOL! Many is the time she has "talked me down" from the ledge.

So even though some of my biggest stressors in my life are my family, they are also my biggest blessings and I wouldn't trade them for all of the stress-free moments in the world.

Though I still would like access to an "Easy Button" for the messes in the house. Can anyone help a sister out? Anyone? Hello? Hello-o-o-o-o?

Veteran's Day 2010

Thank You!

This Veteran's Day, we honor those who have so bravely served this country.

America is founded on the principle of freedom, justice, and liberty for all. Our nation's soldiers serve every day to protect our country and its ideals.

On Veteran's Day, take a sacred moment to remember the those who sacrifice their lives ev...ery moment to achieve peace and democracy. Let us remember the service of our veterans, and let us renew our national promise to fulfill our sacred obligations to our veterans and their families who have sacrificed so much so that we can live free.

"America's veterans have served their country with the belief that democracy and freedom are ideals to be upheld around the world." - John Doolittle

Simply put...thank you... ♥

HAPPY NOVEMBER 2010!

Well, October went out with a bang and November flew in with a "BUSY!"

I'm not a fan of trick or treating. I never really have been, though there were a couple years in my mid-20's that I got into it, but nothing really before or after that. I'm NOT a fan of being scared and I have a hard time celebrating something that I don't believe in celebrating. Emily got to trick or treat at school on Thursday, both the girls got to go to Em's school carnival on Friday and then there was the really cool church Fall Festival on Saturday – complete with bounce houses/moonwalks, games, pony rides and hay rides around the massive parking lot on a John Deere tractor!

I was relieved when Emily approached me after school on Friday and begged me to do a family movie night instead of trick or treating on Halloween and I jumped on that opportunity. So, I got a mixed bag of candy that everyone liked (not just mommy – LOL!), just in case they were going through candy withdrawals (I should have known better b/c it was barely touched) and on Sunday I made my totally yummy and easy homemade caramel dip with toffee nut topping and sliced Honeycrisp apples thin and we got in our PJ's and cuddled up on the couches to watch Beetlejuice, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and Hocus Pocus and eat those apples with the dip and topping and drink hot chocolate.

The kids enjoyed Beetlejuice, laughed like crazy at Charlie Brown and Em's favorite line is now "Amok, amok, amok, amok...uhhhhh" from Hocus Pocus. Hahahaha! Several times both Patty and Em commented how much better this was than trick or treating and Em remarked at one point, "This is way better than walking around, going house to house and doing the whole, 'ding dong, trick or treat, next house...ding dong, trick or treat, next house...ding dong, trick or treat, next house...'" I've always thought that trick or treating is a lot like being a door to door salesman or Jehovah's Witness or something like that. LOL! Both of the girls said that they wanted to do the same thing next year with the family instead of trick or treating. I could definitely do that!

So, here are some pictures of my kids all dressed up for Friday and Saturday. Despite the lack of smile in the first picture (she didn't put on her wings for it), Patty liked her costume but admitted afterward that she was too cold in it, even with a sweater over it, and getting a picture of a non-blurry Nate was difficult b/c that little bugger moves EVERYWHERE! Thankfully I got lucky on a couple of them. I just need to find my regular camera instead of relying on my phone camera – which has vastly reduced reaction/capture times, even though it's an 8MP camera.

Patty as an Autumn fairy (without the wings):


Em and Nate as a UT cheerleader and Astronaut Commander Nathaniel Kelso (too cute!!!):


Nate being adorable:


Emily and Patty diving for gummy worms in plates full of whipped cream:


Nate started a new classroom today. He's with the "big kids" now (12-18 months) and is a total little social butterfly. Imagine that! LOL! Patty started off her day in the office b/c they needed updated immunization records before she could go to class and Em took her starter earrings out for the first time (which was a little traumatic b/c of the tightness of the earring back on the earring and the deep groove in the earring post) and switched them out for normal earrings. Everyone made it to where they needed to be on time though – including me! I was actually even a couple minutes early to work. PHEW!

Nate turns ONE YEAR OLD in just a short 18 days! I can't believe how fast time has gone by since he was born! Life certainly has changed with him in it! He is such a precious, rambunctious little one and he is ALL BOY! My little man is in to EVERYTHING! So different from Emily when she was a baby! Nate is all about open and close, crawl here, pull up there, scream with happiness and cry with anything that comes near his nose or medicine and he loves to hug when he's tired and gives GREAT BIG KISSES on shoulders. Four or five in a row sometimes. He'll press his little open mouth to your shirt and then go "WAH!" as he's giving the "kiss" and then lift his head up and then do it all over again. It really is the cutest thing! And he "sings" with me when I sing him to sleep.

Nate has a rather extensive vocabulary now for his age. He says:

• Hi
• Hey
• Boo
• MY ma-ma when he sees me and crawls to me to be picked up (along with ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma, which I'm sure is the precursor to "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy... ")
• MY beh-puh and crawls to her (What we call my mom instead of grandma: Beppe)
• Oops
• Da-da (Oscar got that one finally the day after his birthday – LOL!)
• "Nigh-Nigh" and "I nigh-nigh" (Night-night) and he'll point to the light when it's bed time or when he's tired and rubbing his eyes. Just the cutest thing! He KNOWS what it means. My baby is so smart!
• Nay-Nay (we THINK he's saying Nate-Nate)
• We have gotten "I wa" when he wants something and will reach for it so we figure that's "I want", especially when he is demanding about it. LOL!
• And we have gotten "I you" with a hug a couple of times so we think he's trying to say, "I love you" but it comes out as "I you".

My two precious miracle babies!



I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant with either one, so they're just such immense and amazing blessings, words can't even describe!

So, we're looking forward to heading to Midland for Thanksgiving! I love my in-laws! I've said it before and I'll say it again, they are just the best in-laws to have! Oscar's dad and step-mom and mom and step-dad are all so great and wonderful and I am looking forward to going to see them. I wish we were able to live closer to them, but as much as I love them, I do not want to live in Midland or Odessa. LOL!

I'm so glad that October is over and November is here! It's getting closer to the BEST part of the year where family and friends get together and there's much good food and good laughter to be had. This year, instead of buying tons of gifts for the kids that they barely even play with – seriously, ¾ of the "stuff" we got them last year that they "wanted" are just sitting there, we will be buying 3 gifts each for the girls, representing the 3 gifts of the Magi – one of my friends suggested that (Emily is getting an acoustic guitar as one of the gifts) and some learning toys for Nate and then pooling our money for a BIG family gift that we can all enjoy. I'd say a higher end karaoke machine, but Oscar would veto that so fast that I wouldn't even get the word out of my mouth. LOL! So, I'm thinking something for outside like a huge outdoor fire pit, outdoor beverage cooler and seating for around the pit that we could use year round – seeing as how we barely get a winter here. I think that would be fun! I don't know though. We'll have to discuss it.

I just think that Thanksgiving and Christmas has become so commercial. I think we will also end up volunteering, maybe at a homeless shelter or something, to teach the lesson that life is about what we do for others, not what we do for ourselves or what others do for us. Definitely also have family nights where we make ornaments for the tree and bake goodies and watch classic Christmas movies (A Christmas Story(!), It's a Wonderful Life, Frosty, Rudolph, Miracle on 34th Street, etc.), listen to Christmas music and focus on what this season of the year is REALLY about. HINT: Jesus is the REASON for the season. Just times where we grow together as a family instead of letting the stresses of the commercial aspect of this time of year get to us; talking and slowing down and enjoying being a family instead of running around in the rat maze of shopping and "BUY THIS...GET THAT...ONLY 40/30/12/5 MORE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS...SALE, SALE, SALE!!!...STUFF WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER". Ugh! Just reading that makes my blood pressure start to go up!

Like the song "Luckenbach" says, "Maybe it's time we got back to the basics of life..."

What are the basics in your life that you need to get back to?
========================================================
P.S. Your prayers are requested as Oscar is having a procedure on his back tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. Central Time to where they are going to put him under general anesthesia and give him a spinal block and then stick needles into his back to shoot radio waves toward the nerves they think are causing him the problems he's been dealing with. After 2 inconclusive MRI's and extensive doctor's visits, they think they've figured out that certain nerves have gotten "caught" in the joints between the vertebrae in his lower spine and they're getting pinched whenever he moves a certain way, causing him the pain that can literally drop him to his knees at times. They're hoping to "kill" those nerves with the radio waves and they also might be moving the nerves out from those joints with some really long needles they slide into his spinal area. They are hoping that this causes the problems with his back to be completely over and done with so that he can go back to work and go back to living a normal life without excruciating pain.

One thing is for sure, this has certainly taught us to trust in God and His provisions for our lives. Without the faith that we share, neither one of us would be able to get through this past year plus of everything we've been though without feeling hopeless and desperate and just unable to see anything positive about this. But God uses ALL things for good for those who love Him and it has only served to increase our faith in God and learn that God knows what is best for us, even when we can't see it. There is a good measure of peace in the middle of this stress and it's a peace that truly does pass all understanding.

I AM

I can't remember where I found this from, just that it was important enough for me to copy and paste it into a draft that I never got around to posting. I went back and read it today and realized how important this is for everyone to read and understand.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Past, present, and future.

We each have all three. When it comes to our past, we may enjoy looking back to savor its wonderful memories (something that becomes an increasing focus as we enter life’s later years). Or, all too often, we look back and dwell on our past mistakes, pains and sufferings, disappointments, and regrets. If, in the present, we spend too much time trying to live in the past—rehearsing what we should have done differently and obsessing over what actually did happen—we will make ourselves miserable.

When it comes to our future, we may enjoy planning for it, or to looking forward to accomplishments and milestones and happy experiences. But if, in the present, we spend too much time trying to live in the future—worrying about the awful things that may be headed our way, about possible threats to our pocketbooks, livelihoods, relationships, health, or even our continued existence—we will make ourselves miserable.

We can’t control or change the past.

We can’t control or change the future.

We can learn from the past; we can plan for the future. But we can’t live in either place.

All we have is the present. Our lives move through time so that all we can inhabit is a single moment. The present. NOW.

We are not what we WERE. We are not what we WILL BE. We are who we ARE.

No one has ever said it better for me than Helen Mallicoat:

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly, my Lord was speaking!
“My name is I AM”...He paused...I waited...He continued.
“When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I WAS.”
“When you live in the future with its problems and fears,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I WILL BE.”
“When you live in THIS moment
it is not hard. I am here.
My name is I AM.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Though not exactly the same as the wonderful words above that I found, the "I Am" caught my attention and it reminded me of one of my favorite Christian songs by Nichole Nordeman called simply "I Am".

The song takes you through this woman's life, past, present and future and all the things that she needs and asks God to be for her and He responds very simply..."I Am".

God is everything we NEED Him to be for us. Shoulder to cry on. Person to rage at. Savior. Comforter. Healer. Father. Sounding board. Advice giver. Best Friend. He is BIG enough to be ALL for us and never leave us. Even when we can't raise our heads. When we are so weak or sick or spent or discouraged or grieved. When we have secrets that we don't think we can tell anyone else. When we don't think anyone understands. He is there. He IS...as He says..."I Am".

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall,
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed,
You watched my team win,
You watched my team lose,
You watched when my bicycle went down again,

CHORUS:
And when I was weak unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I am”

Only 16, life is so mean, what kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

CHORUS:
When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I am”

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it’s two AM

CHORUS:
when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

CHORUS:
I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am.”

Jeremy Koffel: 3/9/86-10/18/10

He was only 24 with his whole life ahead of him. If you saw him or looked at his pictures, he was always smiling, always in the middle of the crowd. He was an incredibly handsome kid. Beautiful smile. Sweet spirit. Generous heart. He loved just being out with friends and living life and enjoying it so this just...something like this hits hard.

Oscar and I got word earlier today that a very sweet young friend of ours was found dead on Monday after he hadn't showed up for work. We are in shock! I don't know. It hurts. It's perplexing. It makes me angry! It makes me sad. I just don't understand, you know?

I knew Jeremy for over 2 years, Oscar knew him for longer. They used to work together, go out together, have fun together. I met Jeremy when Oscar and I first started dating in 2008 and what struck me most was how much he loved to smile and how he always flirted with the PYT's (Pretty Young Things for those of you unacquainted with the Michael Jackson era songs) and enjoyed making others smile.

There's a couple of stories floating around out there, but we're not sure which one is true right now. What I DO know is that he had broken up with his girlfriend last week and apparently it hit him harder than anyone realized. The story floating around most is that he OD'd. Nobody had any idea he was doing drugs. He didn't talk about it, he didn't do them around anyone, the company he worked for has a very strict zero tolerance drug policy and did frequent random drug tests so, if that is the case, this is a real shock to everyone. And...if that IS the case we don't know if it was an accidental or on purpose OD.

Another story is that there was a GSW to the head, which would be a deliberate act and prone to almost 100% probability that it was not an accident.

Both are from sources within the company. It was co-workers who found his body. The last time anyone saw him, that we're aware of, was on Friday on the job, driving away to deliver some pipes.

I know in 2008 I was around a couple of times when he had had a little too much to drink and would literally cry into my shoulder for no more than a minute or two while I held him. I was one of those people he apparently felt comfortable enough around to let his guard down. I do know that he had some real demons in his past life that were chasing him, but he didn't like to talk about them and that was ok. Or so we/I thought.

We never, ever in a million years dreamed that something like this would happen. He'd broken up with other girls in the past and moved on.

I just can't get the chorus to the song out of my head that Blaine Larsen did a few years ago:

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

How does a young man, a young woman, a teen...a child...an adult...get so lonely, feel so isolated and hopeless and helpless that they don't think there is anything left for them? Think nobody cares what happens to them? That the pain inside of them hurts just so damn bad that they're suffocating from it and can't think of any other way to stop it? How does it get that bad and nobody notice?

I have hurt that bad over one specific relationship and EVERYONE noticed. I felt like I would die from the pain and the grief, but I never wanted to actually die. It's hard for me to understand the suffering that one goes through that is so bad that they feel the only option is to just end it all. Death, unlike what some people like to believe, is NOT the end. When you die, that is the beginning of eternity. An eternity of living with your decisions. An eternity of either heaven or hell. An eternity of either no more sorrow or tears or pain, or an eternity of torment. Choose wisely what you will do today.

Oh, Jeremy, if only you knew how many people out there cared about you, liked you, loved you...would you have still done it? If you could see now, the grief that has spilled over in the wake of your decision, would that have changed your mind?

I read the comments those who love you have left on your FB wall. Dozens of them. Angry ones. Sad ones. Comments of disbelief. Comments of love. Of friendship. Of prayers and pleadings.

Jeremy...if you could see the pain your decision has caused to so many, would you have made the same one? Or would you have called and asked to come over, had a few drinks and cried it out on my shoulder like you used to?

We'll never have the chance to know now.

Days like today are exactly what the post below with the Prayer of Release are all about...

Jeremy Koffel
Sweet Friend
You Will Be Missed
RIP
3/9/86-10/18/10