Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Jeremy Koffel: 3/9/86-10/18/10


He was only 24 with his whole life ahead of him. If you saw him or looked at his pictures, he was always smiling, always in the middle of the crowd. He was an incredibly handsome kid. Beautiful smile. Sweet spirit. Generous heart. He loved just being out with friends and living life and enjoying it so this just...something like this hits hard.

Oscar and I got word earlier today that a very sweet young friend of ours was found dead on Monday after he hadn't showed up for work. We are in shock! I don't know. It hurts. It's perplexing. It makes me angry! It makes me sad. I just don't understand, you know?

I knew Jeremy for over 2 years, Oscar knew him for longer. They used to work together, go out together, have fun together. I met Jeremy when Oscar and I first started dating in 2008 and what struck me most was how much he loved to smile and how he always flirted with the PYT's (Pretty Young Things for those of you unacquainted with the Michael Jackson era songs) and enjoyed making others smile.

There's a couple of stories floating around out there, but we're not sure which one is true right now. What I DO know is that he had broken up with his girlfriend last week and apparently it hit him harder than anyone realized. The story floating around most is that he OD'd. Nobody had any idea he was doing drugs. He didn't talk about it, he didn't do them around anyone, the company he worked for has a very strict zero tolerance drug policy and did frequent random drug tests so, if that is the case, this is a real shock to everyone. And...if that IS the case we don't know if it was an accidental or on purpose OD.

Another story is that there was a GSW to the head, which would be a deliberate act and prone to almost 100% probability that it was not an accident.

Both are from sources within the company. It was co-workers who found his body. The last time anyone saw him, that we're aware of, was on Friday on the job, driving away to deliver some pipes.

I know in 2008 I was around a couple of times when he had had a little too much to drink and would literally cry into my shoulder for no more than a minute or two while I held him. I was one of those people he apparently felt comfortable enough around to let his guard down. I do know that he had some real demons in his past life that were chasing him, but he didn't like to talk about them and that was ok. Or so we/I thought.

We never, ever in a million years dreamed that something like this would happen. He'd broken up with other girls in the past and moved on.

I just can't get the chorus to the song out of my head that Blaine Larsen did a few years ago:

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know


How does a young man, a young woman, a teen...a child...an adult...get so lonely, feel so isolated and hopeless and helpless that they don't think there is anything left for them? Think nobody cares what happens to them? That the pain inside of them hurts just so damn bad that they're suffocating from it and can't think of any other way to stop it? How does it get that bad and nobody notice?

I have hurt that bad over one specific relationship and EVERYONE noticed. I felt like I would die from the pain and the grief, but I never wanted to actually die. It's hard for me to understand the suffering that one goes through that is so bad that they feel the only option is to just end it all. Death, unlike what some people like to believe, is NOT the end. When you die, that is the beginning of eternity. An eternity of living with your decisions. An eternity of either heaven or hell. An eternity of either no more sorrow or tears or pain, or an eternity of torment. Choose wisely what you will do today.

Oh, Jeremy, if only you knew how many people out there cared about you, liked you, loved you...would you have still done it? If you could see now, the grief that has spilled over in the wake of your decision, would that have changed your mind?

I read the comments those who love you have left on your FB wall. Dozens of them. Angry ones. Sad ones. Comments of disbelief. Comments of love. Of friendship. Of prayers and pleadings.

Jeremy...if you could see the pain your decision has caused to so many, would you have made the same one? Or would you have called and asked to come over, had a few drinks and cried it out on my shoulder like you used to?

We'll never have the chance to know now.

Days like today are exactly what the post below with the Prayer of Release are all about...

Jeremy Koffel
Sweet Friend
You Will Be Missed
RIP
3/9/86-10/18/10


6 comments:

Miriam Pauline said...

Nic, I am sorry for your loss. Praying for you guys and for those who loved Jeremy that you find peace and comfort. ((hugs))

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I'm so sorry, Nic. You have lost a good friend there.

Denise said...

Saying prayers for you.

shelly *michelle* said...

we loved him sooo much and n our house just doesnt feel the same. im use to every wk end or other wk end him being with us.laughin n always just happy there was just something about him that glowed. Good man hard worker ful of just love n happiness. i mean if someone didn't know him u either got that smile n ended up meeting him or ended up somehow talkin to him. just a warmth presence about him u dnt find in alot of people .(((( FUNNY STORY- the wknd before this tragedy . we were driving to san marcos n the truck starts over heating ,well im sittin in the truck watching both Jeremy n Daniel fillin water bottles up i mean tons of lil water cups , so daniel went to open the radiator cap before he could even turn it it shot off in the air just like in the movies n so there's water shooting straight up n the air right in front by the door @ Sac n PAC , and while the waters shooting heres these two running around n circles not knowing where to run n Jeremys thinking thinking hes basically on fire that was just by far the funniest thing Ive ever seen n my life. to have that memory,friend ,family a brother to not just my bf but me.so when we hurt n both start to miss him n tear up.we think of that night(( Jeremy' laughing n running around to who knows thinkin hes on fire daniel following both clueless what to do )))me im in the truck laughin watchin it all . he will be missed dearly n made some pretty memorable prints here in texas. always smiling n happy always!! thats the way he could make everything better was the way he smiled . even when he burnd a hole n my couch all he had to do was smile n say im sorry n thats all it took. TO HIS FAMILY UR N OUR THOUGHTS N PRAYERS
WE LOVE YA JER --- Dan and shelly till we see each other again
* never thought that sat when he was suppose to go get ready n call us to leave n he never called for us to go get him would be the last time wed talk to him * he wasnt depressed he was full of ambition n happiness n love

Mary Mac said...

Jeremy's Aunt Jayne from BC, Canada would like to thank you all for your stories and comments about Jeremy. if any of you are in the Austin area Saturday, Nov 27, we are having a memorial service for him at 1PM at the High Pointe Baptist Church, 12030 Dessau Rd, Austin, TX. His dad, brother, cousin, uncle and I would like to meet as many of his friends as possible, and hear how he touched his life. Pass the word along, and please let me know if you can come.

Kim Lee said...

While many have forgotten about Jeremy I still miss him more than anyone would ever know. I was the reason he moved to Austin TX. He lived in my recovery homes for about two years and after I failed in honor he was gone forever!
I knew him and tried my best to get him over self but when we have anchors it's difficult to overcome our pain. He was loved to death because he was just a wonderful person. Now I have met and known thousands of people. Jeremy was my favorite of all. We would often have lunch together during some good times. I miss him. I raised him in Austin and failed to stay focus on honesty and I and he was gone.
Yes I knew him well and what a gift that was and I still grieve today. What could I have done to save him? And myself too. When I began to fall so did he. His faith in me was gone and right before he died I remembering him asking "where in the hell you been". I was gone from the shame he knew about but he never mentioned it on the bleak day. A month later he was gone.
Sad. Yes because he was one of the greatest kids I ever known!
RIP Jeremy!