I Am ... Held

Who would have thought that Mother's Day could be such a sad time when one has such a beautiful and wonderful family? After waiting for a couple of weeks for the inevitable to happen, the miscarriage finally happened yesterday...on Mother's Day. The heartbreaking irony of it is not lost on me. I had to work this morning b/c the executive assistant was out and there were several caterings that needed to be done - 3 meetings requiring coffee/water/etc. this morning, lunch for one and afternoon snack for another. I left early to go home and take some more pain meds for the cramping I'm still going through - they made me very fuzzy and sleepy. Thankfully, the bleeding has mostly stopped, but the cramping is still going on, though lessening in frequency finally.

To top it off, Oscar did not get the job with LCRA. They went with someone "more qualified", but what we found out today, from another job he interviewed for, was practically given the job and then was told he DIDN'T get it, is that the loss of this opportunity and quite possibly the LCRA job is b/c of his driving record - which is NOT bad. He had 3 tickets on his motorcycle, two of which were NOT moving violations (one was no helmet, one was not having an M class license - which he got), and which were supposed to be off his record in March.

They didn't come off as he was told they would.

They're still on and he was told today that they would be on there for seven years. All of his skills, experience and knowledge deal with jobs that require having a CDL and even though he still has his CDL, hasn't had a violation in over a year and prior to those tickets hadn't had any tickets in probably 10+ years, he is not able to get a job. Unfortunately they don't look at his spotless record prior to them or the fact that it's been over a year since he's had any or the fact that they were on a motorcycle, not a truck or CDL required vehicle or the fact that two were not even moving violations (they still consider them as such). He is a very, very good driver, but it doesn't matter.

Oscar tries so hard and he is such a wonderful, beautiful soul and has a truly golden heart. I am beyond proud to have him as my husband. He is an amazing husband and father and best friend. It breaks my heart to look into his eyes and see such despair and hopelessness. I talked to a lawyer friend of mine to see if there's something that can be done regarding Oscar's record so that he can get a job that isn't flipping burgers. Hopefully Scott will have some information for me tomorrow.

Two songs I listened to on my iTouch that really spoke to me are Nichole Nordeman's "I Am" and Natalie Grant's "Held". It's so hard to keep up the faith when it is one punch after another with no respite to be found lately, but I know that God has a plan. I just wish I new what it was. I'd like a breather. Really. I'm not sure what else God has to teach me through these difficulties. I'd just like a break from the stresses.



I Am
Nichole Nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am



Held
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.