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"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14

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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The death of a marriage

How does the end begin? Usually a little at a time with one or both people deciding that something or someone else is worth more time than their spouse.

The wife sits here today facing the end of her marriage. The death of a dream. Her heart is breaking and it is all she can do to keep from breaking down.

The husband and wife used to be happy. Then came the pulling away, the spending more time with friends than with spouse, telling the wife that she is not wanted nor is she welcome to come along, the excessive drinking and resulting temper problems, the foul names, the coming home all hours of the morning on the weekends, while the wife lays in bed, praying that he is ok, that he isn’t out there getting in a wreck, having an affair or any other myriad things that cross a wife’s mind when she is told her husband will be home at a certain time and after a look at the clock it shows the time is two hours past when he says he will be home and still no call or text from him and he is not answering his wife’s calls or texts.

Then there come the phone calls and text messages at all hours of the day and night from a mysterious someone. Someone the husband won’t tell his wife about at first. Phone calls that take him out of the room so that the wife can’t hear what is being said. Text messages that came to the husband while out with the wife shopping, while at dinner at his parents. Finding out that this person taking up so much of the husband’s time has only just turned 19, newly moved to the area, is the husband’s coworker, not to mention 11 years his junior. Finding out that this little girl has been over to the house while the wife was at work, spending time with the husband and the two year old daughter.

There’s the night where the husband has stayed out, literally all night. Not answering phone calls or texts and even shutting the phone off after 3:00 in the morning. Coming home at 7:30 in the morning, ignoring the wife, going to bed, grabbing his rosary and saying it until he falls asleep. Never answering where he was or what he did. Finding out later that the last phone call that was made from the husband’s phone around 2:30 in the morning was to the 19 year old girl. The wife is not Catholic but knows that saying the rosary for a husband who is not religious really in any way is a BIG DEAL.

Then after that there’s the Sunday night where the husband is out, needing “space”, and the wife has an idea that he isn’t where he says he is going so she goes over to the little girl’s apartment to check things out and sure enough, the car the husband drives is in front of the complex so the wife takes pictures on her camera phone for proof. He comes home between 1 and 2 in the morning and when the wife asks him what he did and where he went he says to Home Depot and to a couple of bars. The wife then asks the husband if he went anywhere else. There’s the slight hesitation then, “No.” The wife asks again, “Are you sure you didn’t go anywhere else?” Again the husband answers no. The wife then pulls up the pictures on her phone of the car and asks if the husband didn’t go anywhere else, then would he mind explaining where these pictures were taken. Dead silence from the husband. No answer at first for several minutes. Then the husband tries to say that the minor asked him to bring her some alcohol so he obliged her and stayed there for a little while. The wife knows that “a little while” was longer than 30 minutes. The amount of time she sat in her vehicle outside of the apartment was about 30 minutes and the car the husband was driving was there before the wife pulled up and after the wife left.

There’s the Black Friday (day after Thanksgiving) where the husband can’t go shopping with his wife b/c he doesn’t want to but can go shopping with this poor pathetic girl b/c she doesn’t know where the malls are and where certain stores in the malls are – being relatively new to the area of course.

There’s the trip to visit relatives in Iowa and Minnesota for the grandmother’s 90th birthday that the husband doesn’t want to go to. Then to find that while the wife, her mother and the precious 2 year-old daughter are gone that, according to neighbors, the husband was only at the house during the 9 days for about 10% of the time.

There’s the phone call two days after the trip from the 19 year-old at 5 in the morning that gets the husband out of the bed he shares with his wife to go into the living room to talk in “privacy”. The phone call that same evening that the wife walks in on, though the wife thinks the husband is catching up on his sleep, and instead the husband is getting dressed and ready to go somewhere without having told the wife anything and the husband is on the phone with the 19 year-old girl. The wife asks the husband where he is going and he says to dinner for another co-worker’s birthday. The wife asks if she’s invited and the husband says no.

At this point, the wife is fed up and says that the husband can either go to the dinner or stay home with his family that only been home for two days. The husband chooses to go out so the wife ends up telling him to leave and not come back. The husband ends up moving in with the 19 year old girl, 11 years the husband’s junior, and he lives with her for over a year.

Now the wife is slightly whacked, deluded, stupid, an idiot and still wants to work things out with the husband b/c she still loves him with all of her heart. When she finds out that the lease is up she tells the husband that he can either move out and work on the marriage or stay with the now 20 year-old girl and the marriage would be over. The husband moves out, promises, yes promises that he will not have any further contact with the now 20 year-old girl and that he will work on his marriage.

Several months later, the wife finds out that the now 21 year-old girl has gotten in contact with the husband again and that the husband has taken the now 4 year old daughter over to the now 21 year old girl’s apartment. The husband and wife go to talk and the husband ends up flirting with two women at the place they have gone to. The husband and wife go outside where the husband ends up yelling at the wife and calling her a Nazi racist bigot for her personal beliefs that one can't get to heaven by just being a good person and that there is only one way to heaven, through Jesus Christ which includes the person repenting of their sins, asking forgiveness from God and asking Jesus to be Lord of their life. For that the wife is considered a Nazi racist bigot, according to the husband, who calls her this where other patrons of the place hear him and turn their heads to look at what is going on.

The contact between the husband and the now 21 year-old girl continues and becomes more frequent until the husband is spending days with the now 21 year-old girl and her family and the precious 4 year-old daughter, doing “family” things that the wife has longed to do with her own husband, but the husband would never make time for. The wife used to ask the husband frequently to do stuff on the weekends, but with each rejection or “I’ll have to see” but nothing ever comes of it, the wife stopped asking b/c it hurt too much to continually be rejected by the husband who was supposed to be working on repairing the marriage. Now the husband tells the wife that the marriage was over a long time ago and accuses the wife of not trying “hard enough”, instead of admitting that he made his choice that he would rather be free of a wife he didn’t want and would rather spend time with the now 21 year-old, taking the wife and husband’s precious 4 year old on “family” outings like going to the movies, playing at the park and having lunch together. Not to mention wrapping gifts at the now 21 year-old’s apartment, putting together a list for Santa and putting up a tree together. Things the wife would love nothing more than to do as a family with the husband and the precious 4 year-old daughter.

But the wife has had it. The wife deserves better than a husband who constantly chooses another female over his own wife. The wife is tired, run down, emotionally exhausted, broken-hearted and defeated. The wife does not place sole blame for the problems in the marriage on the husband, but does not take responsibility for all of them either. The wife is sad b/c she loves her in-laws very much and is sad to be losing them as a result of this.

The wife will be filing for divorce and praying that God will comfort her in the midst of this broken time in her life. The wife has two amazing friends in town, a great group of online friends and a bunch of supportive relatives up North. There’s no reason for the wife to feel so alone, but still she does. Alone, broken-hearted and extremely hurt. The wife wants to be alone with the precious four year old daughter and her mother for a while. No new relationships are in the future for a very, very long time, if ever. The wife just wants time to heal, to recover, to be just a mother and concentrate on her precious daughter and getting through this divorce, which will most likely get pretty ugly before all is said and done.

11 comments:

greatwhitebear said...

God Nic, I am so sorry! Just know that you are in my thoughts! Anytime you need a long distance shoulder or sounding board, drop me an email, or a message to greatwhitebear70 on YM (it may say I am not online.. but i lurk a lot).

You are a terrific person. And not just terrific for a conservative, terrific period! I admire your stregnth, and I know you will come out on the other end of this ordeal even stronger, wiser and happier. Just konw that you have an abundance of friends who will help carry your pain if you allow them to!

Mike J. said...

Your post very nearly made me cry. I have been in the wife's shoes, and I know how much it hurts. My wife did very nearly the exact same things the husband did, and I remember the sting clearly.

I too seperated several times, tried so very hard to work things out with my children's mother, but after lots of sneaking around and lies, it just didn't work. In the end, I felt like I'd failed and had been rejected. I was bitter and angry.

But, I want to give the wife hope. God has healed my wounds in a most magnificent and gracious way that I never thought possible. Two years later God has made me into a new person. The old joy has returned, brighter than ever before. My relationships with my daughter are better and we're closer than they ever were before. I am happier than I've been in years.

Even my relationship with my x-wife (still married, but for all intents, x-wife) is civil and peaceful now.

I give glory to God for that, because there is no way I could have found peace by myself.

So, even though things seem dark, and the hurt is so deep that it seems bottomless, tell the wife for me that God won't abandon her, and God will help and guide her through this, and if she'll let Him, God will heal her heart. Tell her she WILL know joy, and happiness, and love again, all in due time. All in God's time, and after all, He loves her and she probably knows she can trust HIM to know how to make her whole again.

Epiphany said...

It breaks my heart that you are having to go through this. I know it is nowhere near what you need right now, but know that you are in my thoughts and will remain in my prayers. With God's love and your family and freind's, you will weather this storm. Please feel free to e-mail me, contact me, whatever you need, should you need a shoulder to cry on.

I love you sweety...keep your head up and remember that you are a good person.

CJ said...

My heart cries with yours. I could have written this same story myself! The only difference was that I wasn't married yet, but we were planning to get married. In fact, he began to call me his "wife" in front of his children & family & my family, right from the beginning of the relationship; actually, even before he met me, he stated to my relatives, "I've found my wife!", as he asked for them to introduce us!

In any case, just 2 months ago, on 9/27/05, after 3.5 years of what I thought was a "committed for life relationship"; after 3.5 years of having the children of the man who said I was his "soul-mate", calling me "Mom"; after 3.5 years of preparing for marriage and a life together that I that I had thought would begin early next year (we live in separate states & I've been looking for a job closer & we had both been finalizing financial issues from past relationships & we were starting to talk about buying a house (his suggestion); after taking several "family" vacations together over the past 3.5 years; after making various life decisions in the past years based on the expectation of & preparations for a new marriage and ready-made family; he told me over the phone, "I do not think this is going to work out!"

Trying to be supportive & recognizing that he was under major stress related to him being the senior pastor of a new church made up of young-in-Christ Christians; his physical issues that the doctors can't seem to pinpoint; & family pressures, I told him that I understood his needing time to deal with all of the pressures and responsibilities that he had. I told him that I wanted to see the children in person & give them some things that I had gotten them for school & pick up some of my things at the house. I told him I would be up to visit on Sunday. I decided to stop by on Saturday instead. I called & called several times to let him know, starting the Thurs before, right up to that Sat morning, 2 minutes before I rang the doorbell (even though I had a key) at 7:30am, since he would be leaving the house at 8:00am for morning prayer at church. One of the children answered the door, with a strange look on their face, which did not register with me until, I walked into the house & went right up to the bedroom door. To my utter shock, the man who only 5 weeks before was supposedly my "soul-mate" was in his bedroom with the door locked, with another woman, with his children & apparently her children, in the next room.

Now it all made sense! Over the previous 8 months, he had expressed briefly from time to time, that he was unhappy because we were not living closer to each other & that he believed that we were drifting apart. I agreed, but thought that we were working together to change the circumstance. However, it seemed to me that every time I suggested something that I thought would bring us together, he was "too sick" to do it, or he would not say "yes" or "no" until it was too late. And when I would ask for his input, thinking that maybe I just wasn't suggesting the things that he wanted to do, I would get no suggestions or no response. Whereas before he would call me numerous times a day, always answered my calls & text messages, we never went a whole day with talking to each other, - this slowly began to change. We did not go out anywhere together because he was not feeling well, or had a prior commitment. Even a significant event for my family, which had been on the calendar for 10 months & I wanted the children to attend to meet my family, was blown off because, he was too sick to drive & then when I offered to send a plane ticket, he then told me he had an important board meeting (which I found out was indeed true, but I can't believe that if he had told them he had a prior family commitment that they would not have understood). Now it was all making sense. Now mind you, I had asked him about 3 months prior if he was thinking that our life together was in jeopardy, & he assured me that even though we were having "communication issues", that God had chosen us for each other & that we were soul-mates & I was his wife & he was my husband, etc., etc. I also asked if there was possibly interest in another woman & he had said he could not believe that I would ask that & that if there was insecurity we would not be able to work through our issues. I had never questioned his faithfulness before, & I do not know what made me ask that at that time. But after he assured me that we would work through our issues because we were committed to each other, & to the children that he had encouraged to call me "Mom" almost from the beginning, I had no further thoughts of another woman being involved. Now, here I was standing outside the bedroom in the house which until 5 weeks prior, he had called "our house", at 7:30 in the morning, & there was another woman on the inside of the bedroom.

He refused to talk to me, saying that he had nothing to hide & it was "his business" because we had broken up. I did not cause a scene, nor raise my voice as he refused to talk to me & "ushered" me out of "no longer our house". I was obviously in shock, but I also would not have done or said anything that would have disrespected him in front of "no longer our children". I guess technically it was none of my business who he had in his bedroom since we "had broken up". But come on now, he can not really expect me to believe that in 5 weeks since "breaking up", he had found another "soul-mate" and had brought her into his bedroom in front of his children, & her children who were all obviously to me, very comfortable with having their parents in the bedroom together with the door locked.

After standing outside the house for what seemed like an eternity but was only a few minutes, I gathered the things that I had brought for the children & started to leave them outside the door,, but the garage door opened as he began to drive his car out, apparently heading to open the church doors for Sat morning prayer. So, without looking at him, I placed the items inside the garage & went back to my car. He hesitated in his car, but then drove off even before I reached my car. I am sure he had given strict instructions to the woman & the kids to not open the door for any reason, should I knock while he was away. I just drove off anyway & cried for 24 hours straight.

I went to his church the next day & can you believe it, he gave one of his best sermons! I gave each of the children a note & a hug & told them that I will always love them & that I was sorry that it did not work out between their dad & I. I did not ask them anything, nor say anything else.

Now, 2 months later, he has not discussed anything with me about what happened that morning, nor anything about our entire situation. He called me on 11/11 & said "I'm sorry" and that was it. did not say exactly what he was sorry about. I sent him an email a few weeks back asking him to please answer a few questions so that I can attempt to find closure & start to heal & move on. He has not answered. I also asked if I could maintain a relationship with the children who I have considered my own & who have called me "Mom" for 3.5 years - no answer, so I have not tried to communicate further. He did not even wish me a "Happy Birthday" last week. How can after 3.5 years of planning a life together, can he just turn it off?!! He was the one that had declared that God had shown him that I was his wife & helpmate & soul-mate! I don't blame him solely for our relationship issues. I realize that I had a part in not communicating effectively, but since I was committed to him & his children, I had thought that he was committed. I was willing to work with him on strengthening the relationship. I just can't understand, how as a Christian, as a man of God, as a pastor, a leader of God's congregation, how he can just act like nothing happened & how he can be OK with the example that he has & maybe still is setting for his children by having a woman to whom his is not married in his house & bedroom. I can not understand how he can be OK with not communicating with me after our relationship.

So, I share you pain. I too feel alone & brokenhearted. I know that God will supply al my needs. I know that I must focus on being the person that God wants me to be & not be bitter about the relationship. But my heart yearns for the children that had become a part of my life. And yes, my heart still yearns for him. I realize that I can not depend on my "feelings" though. I must trust in God & his Word & believe that he has a plan & that the good work that he has begun in me, will be completed.

I also encourage you to keep the faith.

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek hi face always. Remember the wonders he has done." - 1 Chr 16:11-12

"Know therefore that the Lord you God is God, he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." - Duet 7:9

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." - Jam 1:2-3

God Bless!

No_Newz said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. It's one of the most empty inside feelings you can get. Acceptance is the first part toward healing. You'll get to that better place. Keep the Big Guy close to your heart and know that it's Matt, mat you. Hugs and lots of love to you sweetheart!
Lois Lane

Shelley said...

My heart is breaking for you. I will pray for you. Just hang on to Jesus. It's when we're most broken that He can work out something special in hearts and lives. Huggs....

Michael Manning said...

Nic: I ache for you and have been through much of this that it was hauntting to read. E mail me if you can. God is with you right now, right in this siuation and He has exciting plans for you. HANG ON!

Heather said...

I am so sorry, Nic. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

What a powerful post, Nic. I am so sorry that you have experienced this. No one should have to.

TC said...

I am so sorry. This is my first visit here and your post was so filled with pain and betrayal it broke my heart.

J said...

I'm so sorry to hear all that you are going through. I wish you guidance and faith and hope during this trying time.