Wise Words

"Wait on the Lord, be strong and of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...wait on the Lord. Psalms 27:14


WWW As My World Turns

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Random Thoughts and Christmas Pics

It’s the big multi-post today. This is kind of a "random thought" blog day. There’re lots of little thoughts going around in my mind so I thought that I would share them with the blogsphere b/c I just know that you want to know them, and I’m generous like that. LOL!

So here we go with the random thoughts multi-post today.

Picture perfect (almost)
Emily seems to have picked up the bug – the theatrical bug that is. This was the day of her Sunday school Christmas program. The program was over but Emily wanted to sing in the mike. She was really disappointed that the sound had been turned off but that didn’t stop her for long. LOL!
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Em has taken a "moment" to see who all is paying attention.
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Matt said something to make Emily laugh. I just love this picture. Kind of like she’s taking her bows and saying "You’re too kind. Thank you, thank you!"
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Here Em is showing her good manners by curtseying after her "performance". It was the cutest thing while her group was on stage, after they had sang their song, she was standing there in the middle of all these kids who were mostly MUCH shorter than her and she was bowing and curtseying and it was just adorable. Cracked me up!
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This is the traditional "kid smiling in front of the presents" picture. Don’t know why it is blurry. I didn’t think digital cameras took blurry pictures if you held them still. Really weird. A few of our Christmas pics on the digital came out blurry which was strange. We open our gifts on Christmas Eve after the candlelight service. Have since I was a little girl. I think it’s a Dutch tradition b/c all the Dutchies that I know in Minnesota and Iowa open their gifts on Christmas Eve. It works out well since Matt’s family opens gifts on Christmas day.
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Emily wanted a teddy bear for Christmas, not sure why b/c she already has a few, but she loved this little squishy, cuddly, cute bear.
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"OH MY GOSH! I always wanted one of these for all my whole life!" Emily got a little scooter for her to ride on and she was just screeching and wahooing and overly ecstatic over it. It was precious to see.
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Em and mommy – angle 1. My mom is a stickler for the family pics at Christmas.
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Em and mommy – angle 2
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At this point it was late. I was tired and the experiences of the past couple of years, and especially the past few weeks have really gotten to me. Hence the lovely circles under my eyes.
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And surprise, yes, I wear glasses most of the time. Only occasionally do I wear contacts anymore. Usually when I'm going somewhere that will require athletic activity or somewhere special - and I haven't been to anything like that in a long, long time. It’s just too much of a hassle and with a 4 year old who is very active, easier is better with stuff like that. When this pic was taken I was too tired to care anymore and wanted nothing more than to sleep so I plastered a smile on my face close to midnight and let my mom finish her pics.
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So that’s part of our Christmas. This year I didn’t really care about the gifts for me. I was opening them and just couldn’t get into it. It was better for me to watch Emily and my mom open their gifts. I got more enjoyment out of that. It kind of sucks that this time of year makes me so darn depressed this year. I’m waiting for New Year’s Eve when 11:59:59 when I can work on putting this year behind me and look forward to a new year, a new life, a better me. Notice I didn’t say a new me b/c I can’t be new, I’m still the same old me, but I can work on being a better me. Do more things, get out more, meet more people, get more involved, do even more with Emily – though I don’t know how that is possible b/c most of my time is spent with her right now anyway – but I guess it would be do more things that are fun for her like the Children’s Museum, ride the train at Zilker park, the circus (again), do more crafts with her, do campouts in my mom’s backyard at her house, etc.

And maybe this new year coming up will find me finishing my book, making new friends, selling the jewelry I make instead of making it and wearing the results myself. LOL! I’ve seen jewelry like I make (natural semi-precious stone) selling for over 200.00 just for a necklace. It wouldn’t be bad money. I’ll have to post some pics of the jewelry on the blog so you can see what I make.
It is WARM here. Unseasonably warm. REALLY unseasonably warm. Temps are 20-30 degrees ABOVE normal here for this time of year. It was a record breaking 81 here yesterday and stands to be the same today. For Christmas time, that just ain’t right unless you live in Florida, South Texas, Southern Cali or an island. Snow please. If you have some unwanted, unused snow you’d like to send my way, please send it to Austin, TX. I will gladly sign for it!
How can someone inspire love and hate at the same time? It’s no secret that I still love Matt, even with everything that we’ve been through and the impending end of this marriage with the upcoming divorce. But the man makes me screaming, blood boiling, blood-pressure raising MAD! As I stated above, Matt’s family opens gifts on Christmas Day and I thought Emily would like to spend the night at Matt’s parents with her beloved Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jeremy – Matt’s sister and her husband. That was the belief of what would happen.

Instead Matt took Emily to the apartment that he "unofficially" (according to him) shares with that hussy and Emily spent the night over there with them. My blood pressure shot up so high upon hearing that I got light-headed and stayed that way for over an hour. I swear that man is going to kill me with this crap if he keeps it up. My blood pressure will go sky high(er) and I’ll pop a vessel or something. It’s so hard to keep calm when stuff like this happens. I try to find a happy place to calm down but then I start thinking about that "stuff" and it really upsets me that Matt would expose Emily to a lifestyle like that.

I don’t want her to think that it’s "normal" for a married man to live with a woman or in this situation a girl (11 years his junior) who is NOT his wife. What kind of message is that sending to Emily? I don’t understand how a married person, with two children no less, can think that’s ok. His family doesn’t understand it and they definitely don’t agree with it (we’ve had many discussions about it) but yet they refuse to talk to Matt about their thoughts on the situation. They’re afraid to piss him off. I say go ahead and make him mad. Make him see that other people, aside from me and my mom and family and my friends, don’t think that it’s "ok" to expose Emily to this. Emily deserves better and frankly so do Matt and the girl he is living with again. Nobody needs to go through this.
Random song lyrics going through my mind:

I’ve been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved?

I've been pushed down
I've been pushed 'round
When will I be loved

When I find a new man
That I want for mine
He always breaks my heart in two
It happens every time

I've been made blue
I've been lied to
When will I be loved
~ Linda Ronstadt
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They’ve lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

When you’re lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
~ Third Day
Lord I’m really glad you’re here.
I hope you feel the same when you see all my fears,
And how I fail, I fall sometimes.
It’s hard to walk on shifting sand.
I miss the rock, and find there’s nowhere left to stand;
I start to cry.
Lord, please help me raise my hands so you can pick me up.
Hold me close, hold me tighter.

I have found a place where I can hide.
It’s safe inside Your arms of love.
Like a child who’s helped throughout a storm,
You keep me warm in your arms of love.

Storms will come and storms will go.
Wonder just how many storms it takes until I finally know
You’re here always.
Even when my skies are far from gray,
I can stay; Teach me to stay there,

In the place I’ve found where I can hide.
It’s safe inside Your arms of love.
Like a child who’s helped throughout a storm,
You keep me warm in your arms of love.
~ Amy Grant
I am the maker of the Heavens
I am the bright and morning star
I am the breath of all Creation
Who always was
And is to come

I am the One who walked on water
I am the One who calmed the seas
I am the miracles and wonders
So come and see
And follow me
You will know

I am the fount of living water
The risen Son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am

I am the spirit deep inside you
I am the word upon your heart
I am the One who even knew you
Before your birth
Before you were

I am the fount of living water
The risen Son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am

Before the Earth (I am)
The universe (I am)
In every heart (I am)
Oh, where you are (I am)
The Lord of love (I am)
The King of Kings (I am)
The Holy lamb (I am)
Above all things

Yes, I am almighty God your father
The risen son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am
~ Mark Schultz

There are times I just want to break down and just cry my heart out. Of course it’s always the most inopportune times – like at work, in rush hour traffic, at the grocery store and so forth and so on, but when I’m alone or have a moment and have the time to just cry, I can’t. Not even watering eyes. Why is that?
I’ve been craving starches for the past week. CRAVING. Can’t get enough of them. SIGH. Starches make you fat. I can’t afford to get any bigger, though good news, I’ve lost about 10 pounds in the past two weeks, my 14s are getting big on me now. People who haven’t seen me in a couple of months go "WOW! You look great! What’s your secret?!" Then I have to be honest and say "Stress". So stress is good for one thing. Losing weight. Even with the starches, I’m losing weight so I guess it’s ok to consume pasta salad and sourdough bread and potatoes for right now. Cause, really, other than that, I don’t eat much right now b/c other than the starch craving, I have almost no appetite.

A family friend and I were talking on Christmas day and we both are starchy people. We agree that if it came down to sweets or starches, we’d give up sweets, no hesitation at all. You can take away my chocolate (I’m not really a chocolate person other than Baskin Robbins peanut butter chocolate ice cream), you can take away my cakes and ice cream and cookies and pies but if you even TRY to take away my starchy food you will have a fight on your hands.
My favorite food is still steak and potatoes. Buffalo steak (the BEST!) or a center cut beef tenderloin cooked medium, no spices or sauces to screw up the flavor and my mashed potatoes. I’ve died and gone to heaven! Speaking of heaven, at the feast in heaven when we are called Home, I really hope God has steak and potatoes!
The decision to file for divorce did not come lightly. I talked with many people, about it, the majority of them neutral in the issue and to each person, they all said it was time to do it. The Bible says to get wise counsel in serious matters and I did. From a couple of people in my church, a couple of friends who I trust implicitly and a couple of very wise and Godly family friends. They all said enough was enough and asked how much longer I was willing to hang on and put up with. I agreed. It’s the hardest thing to do, making the decision to end a marriage and it sucks and hurts and it makes one feel empty inside, but at the same time it’s kind of like a load has been lifted.

Though I still love Matt, we have grown toxic to each other. We can’t talk without it turning into an argument. There are times when I see glimpses of the old him. The fun him, the caring him, but it’s usually not toward me and I can’t get by and exist and keep going in this MINO (Marriage In Name Only) on maybes and mights and somedays. I miss that side of Matt that I once knew but I won’t get that back and so I move on slowly, painfully but with a cautiously optimistic and lighter-hearted outlook toward my future.
I’ll probably write poetry or song lyrics b/c that’s what I do during emotional times. It helps me to get my feelings out and not have everything bottled in so much. I just might post some as well in the future.
I like to use "quote marks" a lot don't I? I was just going through the post to proof it and thought, "Man, there are a lot of quote marks around words or phrases aren't there?"
Today’s Devotion was so appropriate that I thought I would share it:

Unopened Tomorrows

Read: Matthew 6:25-34

We walk by faith, not by sight. —2 Corinthians 5:7

We often wish we could see what lies around the corner in life. Then we could prepare for it, control it, or avoid it.

A wise person has said, "Though we can't see around corners, God can." How much better and more reassuring that is!

One day my 10-year-old granddaughter Emily and I were boiling eggs for breakfast. As we stared into the boiling water and wondered how long it would take to get the eggs just right, Emily said, "Pity we can't open them up to see how they're doing." I agreed. But that would have spoiled them, so we had to rely on guesswork, with no guarantee of results.

We began talking about other things we would like to see but can't—like tomorrow. Too bad we can't crack tomorrow open, we said, to see if it's the way we would like it. But meddling with tomorrow before its time, like opening a partly cooked egg, would spoil both today and tomorrow.

Because Jesus has promised to care for us every day—and that includes tomorrow—we can live by faith one day at a time (Matthew 6:33-34).

Emily and I decided to leave tomorrow safely in God's hands. Have you? —Joanie Yoder

I know who holds the future,
And I know who holds my hand;
With God things don't just happen—
Everything by Him is planned. —A. Smith

You're only cooking up trouble when you stew about tomorrow.

Ok, so that’s my extremely long post for the day. Hope you enjoyed the pictures and being inside my head for a little while. God Bless and may your New Year exceed your expectations and be filled with blessings from Above.


Duke_of_Earle said...


I DID enjoy the pics, and being inside your head for a while. I can't figure Matt. What's wrong with people like that?

I read your "Death of a Marriage" to Carol, and we cried together for you and gnashed our teeth at Matt.

Your precious girl is a treasure! Great pics of her at the mic!


bobcom said...

Your daughter is a cutie!! She sounds very precious! I just popped over from Heather's blog :)!

Mike J. said...

You know, it was the hardest day of my life when my x-wife moved in with her boyfriend. HE is 12 years HER junior, which is even a bit strangers I think than your situation.

But, with over 2 years water under the bridge I can honestly say, it wasn't the end of the world. I survived. My girls survived and are doing quite well: not as well as if their mother and I were still an intact loving family, but we are still a LOVING family. We made our peace with each other, and I think that was one of the most important things I ever did for my kid's sake.

Time will lessen the sting, Nic. God will heal your heart, if you let Him, and that's key: gotta let Him.

I wish you a fantastic new year, may your journey of a thousand miles begin with a good first step! BTW, the pics of your daughter (my eldest daughter is named Emily, too!) are just adorable, and you're kinda cute yourself!

Happy New Year!

Bill said...

Emily is too cute for words!

Unfortunately, Nic, you may find yourself having less and less control over what Emily is exposed to when she visits her dad, especially after the divorce and visitation becomes official. If that becomes the case, the most you can do is to keep doing your best when she is at home to instill her with your values and morals and have faith that she will come to the right conclusions.

Hang in there.

-Bill J.
"Master Yoda's Stupid Intern"

cmhl said...

your daughter is gorgous!!!! I love that picture of her laughing as well--and the ones of both of you together!

and girl, if those are bags under your eyes, I have a full set of louis vuitton luggage under mind!! and it isn't a good look for me! hahah

John Cowart said...

Hi Nicole,
Just dropped in because of your comments on Heather's blog.

Those photos of your daughter are something to treasure.

I scanned some of your previous postings; you write beautifully about some horrible things.

Shelley said...

Absolutely precious pictures! You both look just fabulous dah-ling! Enjoy your holiday together and I wish you an awesome new year's and even better 2006! Thanks for your wonderful blog, it is so uplifting and honest. Huggs!

Psy Guy said...

Your daughter is simply beautiful! I can easily see that you're family has the cuteness gene!

Merry Christmas!

Epiphany said...

It is absolutely amazing how much you look like my good friend Julie. I had to do a double and triple take before I realized that you were not Julie. :) That's a good compliment btw, because Julie is not only beautiful, but a really sweet and wonderful person, that I have had the pleasure of knowing for the past five years now.

Emily is just as beautiful as you sweety. You have raised a lovely young lady and you should be proud of yourself. Just keep taking everything one moment at a time. At some point (I'm not sure when) things will start to get a little easier...and that comes from my best friend, who just went through the same thing three years ago. She also said to keep family close and freinds close too. All of those things, along with God's love, will help in countless ways, at the end of each day.

Love you sweety...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

The pictures were wonderful!

Emily is delightful. The pics of yourself are great as well, Nic.

Cindy said...

Your're very beautiful - inside and out!

Emily is adorable too! As another commentor commented, you may not have a lot of control of what she sees and learns at her dad's but you do have control in what she sees and learns with you. You will make it right.

Happy New Year to you and Emily. It will be a great year for the better you! :-)

Michael Manning said...

Nic, Great pictures!

Amelia Elias said...

Nic, that baby girl is adorable! Tell her I said hello and Happy New Year and to hug her Mommy tight from Miss Amy! Just LOVE the pics at the mic, that is SO her personality. "I don't care that it's -over-, I'm not done yet, and so it's not done! Pay attention, I'm being cute here!"