And so I go

In a few hours I will need to be at the airport. Am I done packing? NO! Will I get any sleep before having to be there at 4:30. Probably not - maybe an hour or so. I am stinking tired and want to sleep. I know I most likely won't much, if at all. I have a 3 1/2 hour layover in Phoenix before heading to Reno. I'm afraid of falling asleep and A) missing my plane or B) getting robbed while I sleep. Unfortunately caffeine and sugar don't work on me. Never have. Never will.

I just dropped my darling Emily off at Matt's for the week a little over an hour ago. It is the most difficult thing I have done - driving away from her tonight. The last two years weren't so bad. This year, not so good. What changed? This year she is aware that I am going away from her, she is old enough to understand that I am not going to be there to sing her her bedtime songs like "Baby Mine" or "Amazing Grace" (Yes she loves listening to that song at night). She knows I won't be there to sing the "Big Bulldoooooooog" song to her when I go to drop her off at Matt's in the morning before going to work. She is aware that I won't be there to be silly with her or love on her or tickle her or whisper in her ear that she is the very best part of me or that I love her with all my heart. She knows. And even though she seems ok with it now b/c she is going to have a week long "slumber party" at daddys, I know that tomorrow night she'll be asking him when am I coming back and maybe start to worry on the second night that I'm not going to come back to her at all b/c her imagination is just wild and crazy like that. I promised her I would call her every night while I was there and even sing to her over the phone if she wanted me to.

It was the hardest thing letting her go tonight and driving away. A large part of my heart was left behind with my sweet little girl and I know my heart and I won't feel whole again until I'm back home Sunday night - where I belong.

"Oh my baby, little one,
the hardest thing I do
is hold you tight
then let you go
and walk away from you...

But even when I'm far away,
this love I have will stay
and wrap itself around you
every minute of the day...

So blow a kiss and wave goodbye -
my baby, don't you cry.
This love is always with you,
like the sun is with the sky...

It stays beside you always,
through everything you do.
And you might be surprised to know,
this love is with me too...

But oh my baby, little one,
the sweetest thing I do,
is sweep you up and hold you tight
and come back home to you."

excerpted from Oh My Baby, Little One
by Kathi Appelt