Pure Is Not Just For Ivory Soap

TRUTHBOMB

This is what I'm teaching my 11 year old daughter. For most of my adult life I have willfully disobeyed God when it came to sex and I admit it. In the movie, "The Devil's Advocate", the devil, played by a couple of actors - Al Pachino most notably, at the very end of the movie looks right into the camera and says, "Vanity, definitely my favorite sin." Well, for me it's always been lust that I've struggled with almost all my life.

In the movie "Oklahoma" there's the song, "I Can't Say No" with the line in it that goes, "...kissin's my favorite food...with or without the mistletoe, I'm in the holiday mood". Yup. Kissing and everything else that follows. But here's the thing. Yes, lust has historically been my favorite sin, so to speak. Somewhere along the way, I started to believe that in order to get a man's attention or keep it, that I had to offer up my body. Cheapen the act of intimacy and turn it into something crude and rude and vulgar. Sometimes it was so that I wouldn't feel lonely. Sometimes it was to prove to myself that I was desirable to others because I had extremely low self-esteem, regardless of my looks. Sometimes it was just because I wanted to feel close to someone. Sometimes it was just because I wanted to.

Maybe it had to do with the childhood trauma of being molested, not raped, thank God, but by more than one person as a child. One, a single adult in the neighborhood who'd been friendly to all the kids. I suspect I wasn't the only one, but I could never prove it. Two others, one girl when I was very young who was much older than me, one boy my age when I was older... All of these years apart from each other, but all under the age of 10 for me. My mom only knew of the one at the time, and only because my best friend back then forced me to tell her. Back in the late 70's through mid-80's, you just didn't discuss stuff like this and I didn't know what to say or do about it. The one was dealt with quietly and she protected me as best as she knew how and I love her even more for it. But you don't experience stuff like that and not have it leave some sort of damage to your soul.

Regardless of the reason, I KNEW it was wrong. As I got into my late teens, I finally caved to the pressures of the world that said, "if it feels good...DO IT" and continued to do so for many years. Growing up in a strong Christian household and having accepted Christ at an early age, I was definitely not ignorant of God's Word and what it said about intimacy and sex outside of marriage. I was just willfully disobedient about it. Like so many Christians I know today. People who claim to know and love and follow Jesus, but think that living with someone or having sex before marriage is perfectly fine because purity is old fashioned and...everybody's doing it.

I'm woefully guilty of this myself. I KNEW it was wrong but did it anyway. I desensitized myself to God and what His guidance is.

There are reasons why God says that we are to save ourselves for the person we marry. GOOD reasons. There's so much heartache to be brought into a marriage if you've contracted an STD or have "tried somebody else on for size". Too many people to compare your spouse with and what if they fall short of your prior experiences? What disappointments are you bringing to them? To yourself?

There's a REASON God says we are to remain pure and chaste for the one He has chosen for us.

Casual sex is rampant in many societies. There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in the sexual relationship. The following analogy helps you to understand just what casual sex and multiple partners does to us. If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all.

Yes, I have a rather colorful past. God, in His grace and mercy, has forgiven me for the sins of my past. It has been 2 years since my divorce and I have not been intimate with anyone since then. Not even when I was seriously dating someone a year ago. I know now WHY God says these things. I am so thankful that God did not allow me to reap the punishments I deserved for my sins. I don't have to explain to someone that I contracted something that can't be gotten rid of because I gave myself away to someone who was just as reckless with their bodies as I had been with mine. But I have friends...family in Christ, who have had to deal with the fallout from their sin of lust and sex before marriage and it's hard. It is difficult for them. It's a whole different world to have to deal with. A permanent reminder. Even if it is an STD that has gone away through surgery or medication, the fact is that they still had one. It is just one result of not honoring our bodies and the gift that God has given us to give ONLY to our spouse that He has chosen for us. Of not respecting ourselves...or God.

Do you not think that God doesn't love you and that He wouldn't have chosen the best person for you? Perfect for you? Why ruin something wonderful by being unwilling to wait for God's best?

If this the lifestyles in this world are what's considered "normal", I'm glad to no longer be "normal". I'd much rather be considered "different" as I finally follow what God says about sex. Yeah, it might be "old fashioned", but so what? At least I know that the one who is worthy of the person I've become loves me for me, and not because I'm an "easy" catch. Someone who's an "easy" catch is just as easily thrown back while they search for someone who is worth keeping...someone who isn't so easy to catch.

So, here are some other truths for you if you're single, whether you've never been married or are married and divorced - once or more than once, like myself.

1. God desires us to be pure, maybe the reason you are single is that He is removing that temptation from your life until you are ready for the one He has chosen for you.

2. God is still writing your love story so don't mess up the ending by trying to write your own.

3. God wants your focus to be Him first. Keep your eyes on HIM and delight yourself in Him and He has promised to give you the desires of your heart.

4. You should be so hidden in God that someone needs to seek Him in order to find you, and when they do find you both of you should keep seeking Him together because, as the Bible says "a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken".

5. Trust in God means trust in HIS timing. We can't force God to move and if we try to do it on our own, how can He bless us with His best?

6. The RIGHT one will respect you and your decision to remain pure and will want to honor what it is that God has given to the two of you by not pressuring you to have premarital sex.

7. Ladies...yes, it is a man's job to respect you...but it is your job, as a woman, to give him something to respect.

Why I Don't Fear Death

This is a song that really gets to me for some reason right now. Jesus has defeated death thru His death on the Cross. Those of us who are in Christ don't have to fear death or what happens to us in eternity. We have HOPE that those without having Jesus as their Savior don't have. We have no reason to fear death!

Can I get an AMEN!?!

I don't fear it because I know WHERE I'm going.

Do you?

As 1 Corinthians 15:55 and this song ask..."O, death, where is your sting? O, hell, where is your victory?"

There is none any more. Not for one who has been washed clean, pure, whiter than snow by the Blood of Jesus and whose eternal security is in heaven. The grave cannot hold us. We are ONE with Him...Christ has risen and lives for eternity and we will too!

ALL of us will live for eternity...the only question is where YOU will spend yours.

Do you know?

"Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us

Freely You bled, for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bow to none but heaven's will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, He's alive! He's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

Rise up from the grave..."

Maybe the reason is...

Rocked. My. World. I believe this is exactly RIGHT! God knows this is the single area in my life where I have the biggest temptation. Not gonna lie. That's where I've gotten myself in trouble in the past because I went with my emotions, full speed ahead, jumped in with both feet, used no restraint and absolutely, positively did what I knew to be against what God said in the Bible about intimate relationships. It wasn't until God really started getting hold of my mindset a couple years ago and not just my heart that it truly hit home just how very wrong I had been in the years past, and I have finally been living by what is in the Bible ever since. Easy? Not always. Not for someone who has lived opposite for pretty much all of her adult life.

Seeing this, after all the frustration I've been through as to why I haven't been able to find a relationship worth keeping, made so much sense. It was a huge DUH moment...the kind applied like a sledgehammer upside the head. That is His way of removing what is my biggest temptation and keeping me pure for the person He has had planned for me all along.

So I am working on being the person I need to be and preparing myself for the one HE has in store for me! I can't wait to see who it is b/c I know they will completely rock my world and be better than I ever could've dreamed! I'm asking him for a Job 29, Oneand2Blue kind of man while I am working on becoming a Proverbs 31, Oneand2Pink kind of woman.

Just like the verse scrolling across the top of my blog says, when you put God at the heart of it all and wait on HIS timing, it makes all the difference in your perspective of things. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalms 27:14...

Rather be Single

Being out of a relationship for right at a year now, there are definite things I miss about being in a relationship. But sometimes love, no matter how strong, is just not enough. Sometimes the differences are just too great and people don’t want to compromise or bend or grow or you find out that you didn't have as much in common as you originally thought.

So you let go, you move on, and you work on becoming the right person for the RIGHT person because a successful relationship does not depend solely on *finding* the right person, but on *being* the right person. Working on oneself to become the right person is not easy...kind of hard at times, in fact, but you have to take an honest look at yourself and realize the one common denominator in your failed relationships is...you. Yes, most of the time it takes two to make or break a relationship, but, fact of the matter is that something wasn’t right on either side.

What made me choose...unwisely...each time? Why didn't any of the relationships last? Digging deep and being brutally honest, I’ve come to understand where I went wrong in my choices and why and now it’s about changing myself to make sure that

1. I don’t make those choice mistakes again and
2. that I am no longer that person. Besides, I know that when all is said and done, I won't be single forever.

After all, the BEST is waiting for me to be ready to handle everything I've been praying for. But, being single, for someone who truly enjoys being part of a couple, is not exactly my cup of tea - and single parent dating is rough! However, I know this much, from what I have learned in my experiences, I have come to realize that at the end of the day I would much rather be single right now than be with the wrong person. For myself and for my children.

What does it matter where they sleep?

You know, I’ve had a lot of people say over the past couple of years, “why don’t you make your kids sleep in their own beds instead of with you?” Well, as cramped as our small house is, not everyone has a bed of their own right now (Emily does, Nate doesn’t). But this past week it really hit home that having them share my king size bed by choice is a blessing.

Emily is at that age where she could be a snotty tween, anxious to be free from acknowledging her mom. Instead, she freely holds my hand in public and comes up to me to get big hugs from me and the past couple of nights, she hasn’t been able to get to sleep without asking to snuggle with me (which is a lot easier when Nate is not between us – LOL!) She is at a point where she needs reassurance from her mommy and love and acceptance. She is so wise beyond her years in many ways, but still is a sensitive, emotional child at heart. I know that all too soon those days will go by the wayside, most likely, so I cherish each request for a snuggle, each body ache from having her or Nate wrapped around me/draped over me as they sleep. It’s one part of this mommy’s way of giving them that unconditional love that every child needs.

Preemie babies thrive with touch and holding. It’s been scientifically documented that touch relieves pain and stress and preemies who receive frequent touch grow faster and have less health/medical issues. Touch is fundamental to brain growth and function in babies, so why wouldn’t it have the same stress/pain relieving effects on older children and adults? You know it does. How many times has the hug of a loved one helped you to feel better when your heart is hurting or your soul unsettled? With me, it’s like something falls into place. It is a balm to the pain, a calm to the unrest. At least that’s what I’ve found.

With Em last week and this week, she has struggled with the time change and has trouble finding sleep...until she asks me to snuggle with her. She’s out in less than 10 minutes. It is calming and soothing to be held, and I know that for my brainy, quirky, unique, brilliant babygirl, it helps to center her, feeds her need for unconditional acceptance and quiets her often chaotic thoughts. And for my whirling dervish that is Nate, it calms his effusive exuberance when it’s time to sleep and soothes his raging tempers; it takes away his pain. So confident is his belief that mommy’s kiss can cure anything, when he had that raging ear infection with blisters on his eardrum, his first thought was to try and get me to “tiss” it and make it stop hurting. Before any Band-Aid or ice-cube, it’s mommy’s hug and kiss he wants first to take the worst of the pain away.

So be free with your hugs, especially to your children. Even if they say they don’t want one, do it anyway. That one, simple touch, might just help cross a bridge you didn’t know was there. It lets them know that you care. And during their growing up years, that shapes so much of how they view the world. Make it a positive one.

Beatles Wisdom

The wisdom of the Beatles, as it were. Boiling down and cutting away everything else these words get to the heart of the matter. And in the end, the love you TAKE is equal to the love you MAKE...love, to love, to give love, to be loved, to receive love...most people would argue that it is not correct to say that the love you receive is equal to the love you give, but in reality...young children who love unconditionally and unreservedly, notwithstanding, it really is about the kindnesses you give to others. To truly love someone, you give of yourself without expecting anything in return. The measure of feeling you receive when you are loved back is one of the most beautiful and pure of emotions in this world.

Someone who doesn't give love out and doesn't receive love in return is a miserable soul. For it is by the giving and receiving of love that we learn to be more open with others, more willing to share of ourselves and our possessions. Someone who has all the riches of the world but does not have love is the poorest person indeed. 

Love with the wrong person can be like poison to your heart. Oh, but love with the right person, whether for a short time or forever, is exhilarating, freeing...opening your eyes to a world of possibilities. And you discover that you can do anything when you have that love. At that moment in time...all you need is love. Love is what makes the proverbial world go 'round. Those who find it are blessed. Those who squander it, foolish.

Love, whether love for a significant other, child(ren), parent, family and/or friend is meant to be treasured, cherished, nurtured and treated with great care. Give and you shall receive. Make and take. Without strings or conditions or hesitation. In my life I loved you more... 

Even the Bible agrees..."but the greatest of these is LOVE". (1 Corinthians 13:13)

What's in a movie?

“As you wish”... 

These words make my heart beat a little faster and make my mouth curl in a wistful grin. Those words are the epitome of a love that has lived in my mind ever since I first saw the movie “The Princess Pride”. And, once upon a time someone even said to me, “This is true love, do you think this happens every day?” 

No. It doesn’t. 

In 39 years I have truly been IN love only twice in my life. I was blessed to find it twice. Most people don’t even find it once and settle for less than everything. Never settle. I did twice again, with two other very wrong people. Because I was lonely. Because I thought I'd found someone who said all the right words and loved me. But it wasn't a love with God as the foundation of the relationship. I've learned the difference between the right kind of love, the kind as how God defines it and with Him as the foundation, and the wrong kind of love, "love" as the world defines it, without a solid foundation.

Someday I will hear “As you wish” and it will be said to me by MY kind of Westley. But until that day, I will settle for nothing less than the absolute BEST. That one man who is the Westley to my Buttercup. The Boaz to my Ruth. The King Solomon to my Queen of Sheba.  

Why do I love this movie? It has the kind of love that is built on purity and TRUE love...the way God defines and see it. Plus, it is just a terrifically FUN movie for all ages and has something for everyone...  

Westley: As you wish.  

Grandpa: [voiceover] "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.  

Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these with water - please.  

Westley: As you wish.  

Grandpa: [voiceover] That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

• Come my love I'll tell you a tale 

Of a boy and girl and their love story 

And how he loved her oh so much 

And all the charms she did possess 

Now this did happen once upon a time 

When things were not so complex 

How he worshipped the ground she walked 

And when he looked in her eyes he became obsessed. 

My love is like a storybook story 

But it's as real as the feelings I feel 

My love is like a storybook story 

But it's as real as the feelings I feel 

It's as real as the feelings I feel 

This love was stronger than the powers so dark 

A prince could have within his keeping 

His spells to weave and steal a heart 

Within her breast but only sleeping 

My love is like a storybook story 

But it's as real as the feelings I feel 

My love is like a storybook story 

But it's as real as the feelings I feel 

It's as real as the feelings I feel 

He said, "Don't you know I love you oh so much 

And lay my heart at the foot of your dress?" 

She said, "Don't you know that storybook loves 

Always have a happy ending?" 

Then he swooped her up just like in the books 

And on his stallion they rode away 

My love is like a storybook story 

But it's as real as the feelings I feel 

My love is like a storybook story 

But it's as real as the feelings I feel

Waiting on Romeo

I know several languages with which to say "I love you" to someone. Greek, Hebrew, Russian, French, Italian, Spanish, Japanese, Dutch, German, Afrikaans, Creole, Gaelic, Mandarin Chinese, Hawaiian, Sign Language and, of course, English.

In the past I have rushed into love, or what I thought was love b/c I followed my impulses instead of waiting patiently for God's choice for that person in my life. In the past 2 years I have grown a lot...in the past several months I have grown exponentially in my faith, my walk and my obedience to God.

There's a couple of reasons why I've not had a relationship for a year now and have been completely celibate for going on 2 years now.

1. I want the best that God has to offer me and in the past I chose selfishly b/c it was MY choice and what *I* wanted and I know NOW that those relationships weren't what God had planned for me. I'm waiting for that ONE to be brought into my life and I know he's out there. But, especially now as a single mother of two precious children, I can't afford to bring the wrong person into their lives. So I'm being patient in my belief that God really does know what He's doing and that His timing is always right.

2. *I* was not ready and I still am not. I have been working on myself to be the person I need to be for the man that God has planned for me but I know that I still have a bit to go. I'll be honest. But I'm a long way from the person I once was and it's a good feeling!

I know that the man who will be in my life, and the children's lives, will put God first, instead of keeping Him as an afterthought or a "never thought" as have all of my past relationships been one or the other. There's a reason they didn't work out. I'm praying for a "Oneand2KindaBlue" for a Oneand2KindaMarriage. There might be some of y'all out there who know what I mean by this, and if not, I encourage you to check out Oneand2 Ministries.

I've come to realize it's all about trusting God and His timing instead of trying to force God's timing into my own frame. That just doesn't end well. Trust me. I know all too well.

Someday I'll have my "As you wish..." and it will be better than any storybook story. 

It's about love, love, love...it's about love.

I've had a lot of time to think about the verb, the action, the definition of love lately. Andrew Landon summed it up pretty much perfectly here (with a few additions of my thoughts) so I will let him take over, for the first part anyway. This is probably one of the most important and well said definitions I have found yet of what love, the reality of it, is all about.

"Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect them to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect them to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens; and it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. We can't breathe the same way or function quite right without it. See, that's the thing about love. You hold it up to all these images you've learned to attach to the word 'love' since you were little.

We learn so many things about love before we are even capable of falling. Don't rush in. Keep steady. Prince Charming/your Princess will fix everything. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Don't rush in? I practically dove with my eyes closed; fully aware that I had drowned before. "Love is a battlefield." Never really made sense because it is contrary to everything we have been taught to believe how 'love' is supposed to be. But it is so entirely different.

Love isn't them calming you down when you yell. It's them yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't him bringing you roses everyday or pretty things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. We are human beings. We don't handle one another, and we can't be handled. We are mutable creatures that need something different everyday. Need something more or less to keep us going, to keep us believing that it's not all for nothing.

So no, it's not them holding you and telling you everything is going to be all right and will be sunshine and roses. It's them standing there, admitting they're just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another person's hands and said, "Here, do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it."

That's the thing about love. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is WORTH IT. And it's a hell of a lot better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole."

In love you don't give up when the going gets tough. Love can be simple, and it actually really is. It can be made to be so complicated though when people over think it. We have become a disposable, throw away society, tossing what doesn't conform perfectly to our idea of what we think love "should" be. There are a lot of "should's" in life, but rarely do they ever match up with that fairytale definition/vision in our head. "Should" isn't "IS".

We have become so conditioned to thinking love HAS to be a certain way. BS! What works for one, doesn't work for someone else, and so forth and so on. Love is not perfect. It IS messy. There are no perfect relationships or people. There are only perfect moments worth cherishing and treasuring that are created by two imperfect people who share love. If you know someone who thinks love should be a perfect story from beginning to end, tell them to go see a romance movie because that's the only place in life where things work out "perfectly"and in the span of 2 hours.

There will be arguments and misunderstandings in love, let downs happen and illusions are shattered, but love will mean that you will try your absolute hardest to get over any hurdles and issues together. True love isn't selfish and can bring people together in a way nothing else can, it is a soul connection, a commitment of the heart. Love is seeing the person for exactly who they are and loving them anyway, with all their faults, flaws and the things that annoy or irk you sometimes and that you may not understand because you know that they are so much more than those things. So much more than their past. They bring life to your life because of who they are.

Love is understanding that the differences, big or small, are ok because you know that those differences compliment each other. Where I am weak, you are strong and vice versa. Love is celebrating the similarities. Love is allowing the other person to expand your experiences and show you things you may have missed without them there to show you. Love is knowing that you can trust them with your deepest secrets and know that they won't look at you differently because they know YOU...and love you anyway.

Love should never be taken for granted, although often it is. Love is more balanced than the highs and lows that passion and frustration bring. Love can conquer all, but only if work and effort from both sides is implemented in order to not destroy love. Understand that it is not perfect, but it can bring perfect moments together, moments you want to capture in other ways, so you build and grow together.

If the person in your life makes you want to be a better person, if they challenge and motivate you and make you think, if being around them allows you to just "breathe" because you can be yourself, relax, allow yourself to be vulnerable with them...hold on to that. If they encourage and support you and don't laugh at your dreams, that is worth its weight in gold.

Love is feeling more right with a certain someone than you have ever felt with anyone else, regardless of the challenges or the differences. Because you know you belong. You know you, and your heart, are safe with them. Because they let you know in ways, big or small, that you matter.

Love is give and take and falling in and out of love several times...but always with the same person. And when the "out of love" happens, it's holding on because you know that those seasons in life come and go. So do the good times and the hard times. Having someone there with you to weather the storms and celebrate the joys is what makes all of it worthwhile.

Love isn't the fairytale we would all like for it to be. It, like life, doesn't come with an "easy button". It's hard, it's work, it's gritty work sometimes, it's fun, it's acceptance and understanding, it's bending so that it doesn't break irreparably, it's trusting the other person with your heart and taking care of theirs, it's mutual respect and honor, it's creating the good memories and the laughter to guide you through the tears and the sorrows and the not so good times, it's opening yourself up to hurt and pain and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, it's letting someone else in with all their baggage, their past experiences, and being unable to see your life without them in it...it's protecting and cherishing each other and what you have created. Love, as non-fairytale like as it is, truly is beautiful in all of its forms and inceptions. It's worth fighting for and working on daily once you have it.

Love, after all, is what they say makes the world...makes YOUR world...go 'round.

10 truths about happy marriages

The title of this article caught my attention and, while the boyfriend and I are not at this stage...yet, I think it is good advice not just for marriages, but romantic relationships in general. It's 10 simple and practical steps on how to keep a happy marriage (relationship).

10 truths about happy marriages
By Laurie Puhn

People in happy marriages don’t fight, satisfied lovers never complain, and romantic love is constant and everlasting. Are you cracking a smile yet?

Even the best of us who start off in marriage with knee-knocking love and tingles up the spine, will eventually discover that love has ups and downs. -- Picking up dirty socks isn’t what you’d like to be doing, but it’s what you do anyway, for the sake of marriage.

Happy couples are happy because they handle mundane issues and conflict with verbal tact and warmth so they are still holding hands when serious obstacles come their way.

If you want to have a superior relationship with your partner and be a good role model for your children, then enhance your verbal skills today by adopting the tips below.

What I have found as a couples mediator is that the same verbal skills work to improve every relationship.

These 10 quick and simple tips from my book "Fight Less, Love More" will keep the peace in the family and make your love connection stronger.

1. Happy Couples Pick Their Battles
Before you get angry and reprimand your mate for making a mistake or doing something you told him or her not to do, stop and ask yourself this one wise question: "Does this affect me?" If it doesn't, button your lips and avoid a fight. After all, your mate is the one who must deal with the consequence, not you.

2. Happy Couples Play Detective
When your mate's mistake does affect you, what then? Rather than being hostile, find out what really happened. Ask neutral and respectful questions such as, "Can you tell me what happened?" or "I don't understand. Am I missing something here?" You might discover a good reason for the oversight or blunder, which could avoid a blow-up.

3. Happy Couples Complain with Impact
When you have a complaint, say what you do want, not what you don't want. For example, rather than saying to your child or mate, "Get off that darn computer -- you're so rude!" instead target your mate using a positive approach: "I miss your company. Can you join me in the living room to hang out?"

4. Happy Couples Skip the "Whatever" Word
Being passive by often saying "whatever you want" might temporarily avoid a fight, but it could breed resentment because it leaves the majority of decisions to your mate, which can be stressful. Instead, have a real opinion and share it.

5. Happy Couples Create Policies
If your mate does something that affects and disturbs you, such as overspending or making plans for both of you without asking the other first, don't get sucked into the heated "How could you?" argument.

Instead, focus on the future by creating policy solutions, as in, "From now on can we agree to make a budget for our personal expenses?" Or: "Can we agree to check in with each other before making plans for both of us?"

6. Happy Couples Show They Care
Forgetting to ask about what's going on in your child or your mate's daily life is a surefire way to erode a relationship. From now on, if you know that someone in your family has an important meeting, test, doctor appointment, or event that day, don't neglect it -- instead, respect it. Call, e-mail, text, or ask in person, "How did it go?" This sends a clear message: I care about you.

7. Happy Couples Avoid Factual Arguments
Do you and your mate often find yourselves arguing about the name of a restaurant you went to, a certain address, someone's birthday, an historical fact, or sports figure? Then you are prone to having a dumb argument! Stop the conversation and do an online fact check, call a friend, or simply drive by the location.

8. Happy Couples Apologize with the “B” Word
Quickly saying the words "I'm sorry" is a bad apology because it often comes off as insincere, and could trigger another battle. Next time you seek mercy, add the "B" word: Say, "I'm sorry because..." and share how you hurt your mate and what you will do to prevent the wrongdoing from recurring. Research shows that when you add the "because clause" your words are more persuasive.

9. Happy Couples Create Border Control
Are you ever angry with your partner for revealing something to others that you consider private, like a health issue, a child discipline issue, job insecurity, or a marital disagreement? If so, bypass the "How could you say that?!" argument. Instead, establish border control: Outline the topics that should remain private to insure that neither of you becomes an accidental traitor.

10. Happy Couples Give a Daily Dose of Recognition
Most couples on the divorce path seldom compliment each other. In our online survey for "Fight Less, Love More," we asked people, "Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?" The result was that 84 percent of people said "kind."

The lesson: Find daily opportunities to recognize your mate for something that reflects a character strength (you are such a wonderful mother/father, you are so thoughtful when you...).

In Other Words for Valentine's Day 2012

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


Love.

It can be a noun, as in
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person;sweetheart.

And it can be a verb
5. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
6. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
7. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
8. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
9. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
10.to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

But the worldly "love" of today doesn’t take into account the Biblical standards for LOVE. Infidelity and divorce rates are at an all time high, even among Christians...or those who believe themselves to be. The world has subscribed to the Nike philosophy "Just do it".

"If it feels good, do it"
"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"
"Look out for number one"

And so forth and so on, are the mantras of today. To the world it's all about hedonism and taking care of yourself first instead of taking care of the one you chose to cleave to.

It's not easy these days in the hustle and bustle of the RUSH and technology laden crowd to be PATIENT with people. Our expectations have been sorely distorted. Technology is supposed to make our lives "easier", but in reality, it has only made our lives busier with less time and attention for the relationships that are supposed to matter.

In losing that patience for those we love, for paying attention to other things instead of our relationships, we tend to be less KIND. Our words can be harsher instead of soft and gracious when we are frustrated by our loved ones actions. We can say cutting words when we are upset instead of gently explaining why we are having a tough day. We need to check our words and our actions when we are having a bad day and season them with grace instead of griping.

When we love someone we are not to be ENVIOUS, meaning, we are not to be jealous. If you have a relationship grounded in God and in trust, there is no reason to be jealous. In past relationships, I admit, we were not grounded in God and therefore there was not complete trust and over time the relationships deteriorated due to the breaking of that bond between us. Thankfully, I have a man in my life who believes that a cord of three strands is not easily broken and knows that doing things GOD'S way will only make our relationship stronger and bring God's blessings to it.

I often tease my boyfriend that I don't get dressed up to go out for him because he thinks I look better without the makeup and the fancy hair, I get dressed up to show the other women out there that they don't stand a chance with my man. Let's be honest. There are women out there who see a man they're interested in and will go after them, no matter what...unless they see that the relationship is strong and not going to be worth their time. I call the makeup and hair my "war paint", but in reality, the loving glances, affection and laughter between my boyfriend and I do more to keep those wolves at bay than anything else.

The envy and jealousy goes both ways though. Don't seek to make your significant other jealous of other people. It only brings strife and harm to the relationship in the end and creates the opposite effect of what you were looking for.

Hand in hand with the envy and jealousy is the BOASTing and PRIDE. One of the most famous sayings is "pride goeth before a fall". For the same reason you don't seek to make your loved one jealous, you don't boast to others about the perfect relationship you have and give all the details. People will want what you have and will try and take it from you. Create within that relationship a safe haven where you find comfort and peace after a tough, wearying day. A place where they will feel safe in knowing that what the two of you have is sacred and isn't broadcast for the world to hear.

When you love someone you do not DISHONOR them by airing their faults or by talking down about them or to them. You do not flirt with others, doesn't matter if your loved one is there or not. That is going outside the bounds of a Godly relationship and sows seeds of disharmony and allows the third party to think that they just might have a chance with you, even if they don't. It creates that "what if" scenario..."man, I'm having such a great time with so-and-so...what if I were single?" That is huge, to me anyway, in the area of dishonoring your partner and your relationship.

These days, we tend to think of ourselves first instead of putting others in front of us. We've conditioned ourself to "look out for number one" and be SELF-SEEKING. "What can YOU do for ME" becomes the mindset instead of "What can I do for YOU". In work and at home that is my theme...what can I do for YOU?...and I do it without regard for them "doing" in return for me. After all, that is not what love is about. Love is about putting the other person first. The Bible says, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Trust me, it makes things so much easier in the give and take of a relationship.

Love does not get ANGRY at the slightest misstep or error. Yes, people will say or do things in error, many times unintentionally, without thinking. Grace...always grace. There have been times where my boyfriend has said some things that I was kind of hurt or offended by, but, being that I am the first real relationship he's had in about ten years, I realized that he was speaking out of inexperience. That allowed me to put the brakes on my tongue and gently explain my view of the situation, which, in turn, defered what would have been an inevitable fight. All because I would have taken affront in error to something that was said out of lack of understanding.

Alongside the anger is the issue of KEEPING A RECORD OF WRONGS. If it happened in the past and has been apologized for...leave it in the past. How simple is that? So many friends that I have have told me that their spouses or significant others have fought dirty by bringing up their past. Some have been things that they did even before they met their loved one or things that they did when they first started dating their loved one, etc., things that are not fair bringing up in the present because they have changed the and are no longer that person. God fogives us our transgressions as far as the East is from the West, who are we to do less for those who have asked our forgiveness and have changed? It's dirty pool to bring up the past when the past is...the past.

Love should not DELIGHT IN EVIL, it shouldn't want to do the wrong things. If you love someone you are TRUTHful and honest with them. You want the best for them. You want them to be happy. You want the relationship to last forever. Well, let me tell you, that doesn't happen overnight. Anything worth having is worth working hard for. Right? Love will not be smooth sailing. You will not always be in love with your significant other or your spouse. Chuck Swindoll has a brilliant quote about marriage. A successful marriage involves falling in love many times...but always with the same person.

There WILL be hard times.

There WILL be hurts.

There WILL be times when you just want to throw in the towel and walk away because y'all just can't see eye to eye.

Yes, to all that and more...BUT...

Love ALWAYS PROTECTS...hold your vows, your relationship as sacred. Protect it from outside influences. Protect it from the wolves trying to tear it apart. Protect it from your own angers and misunderstandings.

Love ALWAYS TRUSTS...believe the best about your partner. Trust that their actions are truthful and honest. Trust in God's plan for your relationship and especially TRUST in GOD, that He is faithful and true. Remember, a cord of THREE strands is not easily broken. Keep God at the center of your relationship and you will weather the storms of life much, much better.

Love ALWAYS HOPES...instead of losing that hope when things don't look so good, keep your faith that God knows what He's doing. “Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.” To still have hope means that we haven't given up through the trenches and valleys and will be rewarded with the views from the peaks.

Love ALWAYS PERSEVERES...To quote Winston Churchill...Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up! Love goes the extra mile...love gives you the strength to endure what you never thought you could. Love allows you to see your significant other through God's eyes and not through the weary, materialistic, world-viewed eyes that has been shoved in our direction and fed to us day in and day out.

On this Valentine's Day, I pray that you get to see your loved ones through God's eyes and that you see that same vision reflected in their eyes back to you.

The greatest of these is LOVE...

To view other perspectives on this In Other Words quote, please visit our hostess this week Heart Choices.

Sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life

Close to the beginning of this year I wondered how to trust and love again after the shocking revelation that my now ex-husband had not only been having an affair, but had been living with her in another city, as well as admitting to drug use over the span of the last 2 1/2 years of our lives together. I posted, "God is the ONLY reason that I have the strength that I do. That I can look forward to my future. That I can look forward to loving again when the right person comes along." God's strength and His grace is sufficient for all times, all situations.

Well, the right person came along a heck of a lot sooner than expected. He is, and always has been, my very favorite ex-boyfriend and we dated back in 92-93. The only one I've dated that never had anything wrong with him in some way. It was my misguided youth that pushed him away. That turned my back and walked away. I thought he was "too good" for me. And I was terrified he would never leave the family farm up in Iowa. While I AM a country girl, I'm not exactly farmer's wife material.

We reconnected this year, shortly after I announced my divorce. Actually, we'd reconnected in January of last year, renewing our friendship and discovering a mutual love of many surprising things, but he made the first step to call this year after hearing about the divorce.

Things were different this time. Faster, stronger, better... I asked my mom if she was surprised at the speed of how things were going. She said, "not really". When I asked why, she said that it was because the love that we'd always had for each other had never really died. And she's right. He told me that he's never stopped loving me...in 19 years. He says that if he'd have been a little more bold, a little more brave, he would have asked me to marry him back then.

It wouldn't have lasted because back then. I know this and so does he. I was incapable of being able to TRULY appreciate the goodness, the tender heart and genuine sweet spirit of him, like I am able to now, after all I've been though in the past 15 or so years.

He's always been, "My Dave"...whenever I would speak of him. "My Dave". I've never thought of him as anything else but "mine".

I have to laugh at that a little because I'd asked him back in October how how I'd gotten so lucky to have his love not once but twice in a lifetime. "You're my Nicole"...that was his answer. Sweet, simple, to the point...and beautiful. It brought me to tears. It's really quite possibly the BEST response to a question I've had in pretty much ever. To have his love is...amazing...HE is amazing! ♥

So, I wrote this for him and every word rings true...

“I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.

I love you for the part of me that you bring out; I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern but a temple; out of the works of my every day, not a reproach but a song.

I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good and more than any fate could have done to make me happy.

You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign. You have done it by being yourself...”
~ Roy Croft

And that simply is the most wonderful man that I know.

I am the woman who has been blessed to have known incomparable love twice in a lifetime...by the same man. I am the woman who always dreamed of having a fairy tale love, who melts at the words from her favorite movie (The Princess Bride), “This is true love, you think this happens every day?” and who has always hoped to find a love like that in real life...a Storybook Love. I am the woman who has been through the extreme pain of disappointments, letdowns and tears in other relationships, not sure if I would ever find someone who loved me for ME. Who would love ONLY me. For whom I, by myself, would be enough.

I am the woman who put up walls, not to keep everyone out, but to see who cared enough to try and break them down. I am the woman who found the one man in the world who didn’t even have to try to break them down, because with him, there are not and have never been any walls, no barriers, no trying to see if he is worthy of my trust, because he’s always had my trust and with him, there has never been a reason for walls to exist in the first place. I am the woman who calls him my miracle. My Gift from God.

I am the woman foolish enough to have let him go 18 years ago, and the woman extremely thankful to have him back in my life 18 years later. I am the woman he never stopped loving, for whom I AM enough, more than enough, and for that, I am eternally grateful and thankful beyond words. I am the woman who has freely given him her heart. Without hesitation. Without reservation. Without strings or games. Because my heart is his. It belongs to him. And I know that it will always be safe and cherished and treasured with him, as his is with me. As he is, by me.

I couldn’t ask to be loved more completely, more honestly, more beautifully than I am by the love that he has for me. How lucky am I to be deeply, crazily, madly, head over heels in love with my best friend? I am truly blessed beyond measure and I am thankful to God every day and every night for the incredible gift of him and our love.

I can't wait for the start of our forever, for my life with him to begin...

I am the woman who loves him above all others and who is his, and his alone. ♥

Fin

And the biggest news of all...though he lives in the Kansas City area...he is moving here in less than 3 weeks for me and the kids. He is getting his own apartment...has his own apartment. He's never lived with anyone because that's just not him. Not once have we ever crossed the line, back then or now. He's worth doing this right. He asked me back in September if I believed that God had brought us back together, to which I replied, "yes, absolutely". And then he said that he wants to honor what it is that God has given us and do this right between us. I love him for that. Crazy chemistry between us? Absolutely! But we both believe that God's blessings are better and brighter if we follow what He says is right. What a man! What a miracle... What a love! And BOY! What a story!

Enjoy the pictures!

Us in 92:


(Last time we saw each other in 94)

Present day (2011)

(First time we'd seen each other in 17 years)

Where I'm From

I found this from another blog that I frequent and found it to be wonderful and I was so intrigued that I had to do one of my own. Wendell Berry said, "If you don't know where you're from, you'll have a hard time saying where you're going."

If you do this too, or have done this, please let me know so I can see where YOU'RE from!

For the rules on how to do this, please visit HERE. It LOOKS easy, but when you get down to it, it's pretty in depth. You can see how I took the template and expanded on it.

This has been my favorite exercise to do, probably EVER. It involved so much thought and it's the amount of effort that goes into this and what you get out of it that makes it so awesome. God Bless...♥♥♥

Where I'm From


I am from salt of the earth, from God ordained and inspired birth and loving family holding my hands from first step to birth of my children. I am from an unknown mother to a farmer's daughter's loving arms and I am royalty because my Father is the King.

I am from the large, muti-treed, green-grassed back yard, my host to play dates with a metal swing set and blanket laying, listening to the summer cicadas while watching the stars through the hole in the green canopy above. From wooden fences, jasmine, honeysuckle and rose-scented air surrounding a modest white brick house with those familiar yellow garage doors.

I am from the cerulean blue of the bluebonnet, the brick red of the Indian paintbrush, the arrays of oranges in the Mexican hat and the deep yellows of the black-eyed Susan, the wide expanse of robin's egg blue sky and bright, hot, lazy summer days.

I am from opening presents on Christmas Eve after reading Luke 2 and laying out in the living room at my mom's under the lights of the Christmas tree while finishing a Disney movie and from big, warm, enfolding, never-let-you-go hugs, from mom and daughter.

I am from the messy kitchens filled with the remnants of food love and cluttered rooms filled with mementos that are impossible to throw out.

From "because I said so", "I love you, twinkletoes", "remember WHOSE you are" and before bedtime Bible stories with loving prayers for my future. From "God Bless America, land that I love", "salute the flag and support the military" and "hand over your heart, hat OFF of your head during the National Anthem".

I am from Bible believing of the inerrant Word of God, knowing that God listens to every prayer, every word, every thought and hears you no matter where you are, from understanding that sometimes the answer is "no" or "not yet" and that the best things are still yet to come if we just wait and have patience, from knowing that THE KING IS COMING! and is coming back for His own soon, from hymns sung in the car, as lullaby's, as any time songs whenever we felt like it, from forgiveness after wild-child antics and "welcome home's" from a prodigal journey.

I'm from the great state of Texas and from farmland in the Upper Midwest with meal time prayers and family devotions before pot roast, carrots and mashed potatoes or chicken, corn and salads.

From the riding on the lap of my grandpa on his riding mower and smelling the sweet scent of the grass as we cut the green, green, tickly-between-my-toes acres of the yard on the family farm, the perfect Tang mixture and frozen chocolate chip cookies of a loving grandma, the hikes up Enchanted Rock with my dad, the always beside me "thereness" of a devoted mother and the jumping into the cold lake water with beloved cousins at park-side massive family reunions.

I am from the blessings that are the giggles of my children, the small arms thrown around my neck and slobbery kisses of my babies, from the smooth timber of my true love's voice and his warm, large hands holding mine, his strong arms wrapping around me and his chin resting on the top of my head as I listen to the rhythm of his heartbeat under my ear.

I am from old photo albums of faded family pictures, slides of vacations on a projector screen taken by my dad, cedar chest memories of my childhood, costume jewelry sparkles of my grandma, dusty faded powder smells of warm grandparent skin, twinkles in the eyes of those who love me and replayed scenes in my mind's eye; all of which have more worth to me than any jewel or monetary denomination, or priceless work of art.

I am from a place not of this earth, where there is no more sorrow, no more tears or hurts or disappointments, no more anger or betrayals. Where there is no death or separation of loved ones who are in Christ.

I am from streets of gold beside living water and the Tree of Life, where the light always shines and darkness is no more.

I am a name in the Book of Life and I shall live forever. Death has no victory over me.

I am from abundant, precious, selfless, pure Love.