So much on my mind

So, I have a lot to pray about and think about and work toward. As some of y'all know, my work is getting so stressful to the point where I dread getting out of bed every morning. But, I am thankful to have a job, in this economy, and I am thankful to have benefits and great co-workers...it's just other factors in it that are stressing me to the max and the fact that I am not able to be there for my kids as I would like. But...again...I am so incredibly thankful to have a job right now when there are so many who I know that are struggling to find one, and my prayers are with them that God will provide richly for them.

I love my secondary job with AdvoCare that I do from home right now and hope to turn that into full time within the next year or so. This past weekend they had "Success School" that I was unable to attend this time but they had over 13,000 people attend. On Sunday there was an optional church service in the Ft. Worth convention center. You might think that only a handful would show up. No, I was told that it was completely filled to capacity and I saw the pictures, and it was. Many of the key leaders in this company are very strong and committed Christians, several are pastors or involved in their church in some pivotal way. My team in Texas is extremely involved in their respective churches. I love that! They have tickets for 20,000 for the next Success School in February...less than 500 are left. Tickets just went on sale Sunday.

Additionally, when I went "home" to Iowa and Minnesota this past week for a family reunion – first one in 19 years that didn't involve a funeral – not only did Emily and Nate love it, I also started to feel the tug of maybe that's where we belong. Emily loved the small towns and wants to live in the country where life is slower paced, people know each other and everyone is more "God oriented" – this coming from a 10 year old who's lived in the big city all her life...shocking, right?! She loved it so much so, and the chance to be around family on the farms and in the small towns, that she started getting stomach issues (she has a nervous stomach) when we started heading back to Texas. She wanted to stay there. In fact, she wants to live in Dave's parent's farm house and on their farm. LOL!

Dave's family very much wants me/us/the kids up there, as well as my cousins...the ones who live in the area...and there are MANY. I think that all of us would seriously thrive up there, but it's scary as all get out thinking about it, especially when I've never moved from Austin and have lived there all my life. Then there's my church that I so greatly love... Plus, Dave just moved down to Texas, yadda, yadda, etc. While he and I are no longer dating, we are each other's absolute best friends, we do everything together, and yes, we still love each other with all of our hearts, it's just that the timing isn't right...but I'm pretty sure that if I moved somewhere else, he would follow. 

It seems that the older I get, the more mature I become, both spiritually and in life, and the less I find I have in common with my group of friends and I've been drifting from them for a while now. I don't love them any less, I just have much less in common with them than I did a few years ago. There's less tying me to Austin than there's ever been. The only negative is that my mom probably wouldn't move with us up there. She says she loves to visit, but she doesn't want to always have to "be on someone else's schedule".

I just have so much to bring before God in prayer...so much. And I have to make sure that I truly LISTEN to what He tells me. Who knows, maybe we'll be gone *in the blink of an eye* before then, but right now, I know that I have to do something to work on being able to be a work from home mom. The kids need me and I need to be there for them. Maybe that is here in Austin for the long(er) haul.

I posted the following on FB yesterday. I wanted to post it here too. It seems, to me that the more I talk about it, the more accountability I have, the more I am determined to make it a reality.

I have dreams...BIG dreams...that I've been thinking a lot about on this last week's family vacation and I have some hard work and dedication up ahead to turn those dreams into reality, but it WILL happen...make no mistake. I have my VISION, my GOALS, my DETERMINATION and most importantly my WHY. The only thing standing in my way is me. Change my mindset and I change my path. I change my path and I change my destiny. I change my destiny and I change my legacy and that of my family. Challenge myself, my mind, my body. Challenge myself to change my life.

I want that destiny and legacy for myself and my family to be a Godly one full of promise, and I feel maybe I'm being called from Austin to elsewhere in order to accomplish that in full. I just don't know where, but it might be back "home" to Iowa, specifically. At least that's where I feel a tug but God will guide me, I just need to listen, and listen with an open mind and an open heart, which is the hardest for me to do, when I'm so "self sufficient" because I've had to be in order to take care of myself and my kids. I have the utmost trust and faith in God that He will provide for us, but it's hard for me to step out on that faith because I can't see where it leads. 

A great analogy from a phone call that I was on last night at 9:00 with the national team put it this way. There is a difference between a front flip on a trampoline and a back flip on a trampoline. The front flip is so much more difficult, but that's the one that most people do because they can see where they're going. It's stable and predictable...but incredibly hard to do. The back flip is exponentially easier to do, but so few try it because they can't see where they're going.

It's the same way in life. So many people do the same thing, day in, day out because it's stable and that's all they know and they can see where the stable, predictable life will lead, even though it is harder to trudge through a job they hate, or a life that is lacking...life. They do it anyway. If they stepped out on faith, with God's help, even though it is scarier because they can't see where they're headed, it actually is easier to do the unknown and put that hard work into it in order to reap the rewards that will come.

Even when I was in gymnastics and did springboard diving, I always went for the back flips. So I guess I already have that ingrained in me. LOL! One thing I do know...If you don't focus on building YOUR OWN dreams for you and your kids and family, you will always be hired to build someone else's dreams. 

Just have to step out and do it if it is where God leads me. There are a lot of obstacles in the way to get there, but if it's where God is leading, then He WILL provide the way. 

Trust...so easy to say...so hard to do

Have you ever just had "one of those times" where it seems that everything you want is within reach and then it starts to crumble? I've been going through a REALLY tough time since early, early Wednesday morning. It's personal. It's taking a toll on me. It really sucks. It's nothing life threatening, just emotionally painful. It's a struggle to make it through the days with such limited sleep. About 5 ½ hours since I finally got in bed around 6 a.m. yesterday morning. I feel like a zombie. And it's especially difficult to be dealing with this on my own, so to speak, with no buffer between myself and the kids. My mom is out of town for a few days so I am putting up a brave front for them but it gets tiring. But, as always, I have to be the strong one.

But God has my back. He's told me so in no uncertain terms. I'm a firm believer that if God says something twice, He's really trying to tell me something – just as my pastor says – if God says something in the Bible more than once, He's trying to get our attention on that subject.

And I agree 100% on that...HOWEVER...if God tells me something SEVEN times...I'd better be listening, understanding and obeying.

All of the below posts are from around 7 or 8 last night through around 11 this morning. All of them from friends who know nothing about what is going on in my life. But POOF, there they were at different times. SCREAMING at me to LOOK and PAY ATTENTION.

As I said...SEVEN posts on the same theme...I'm being given a "God Smack" right upside my head.

3/28 FB Post: Picture: "My child, you worry too much, I've got this, remember? Love, God"

3/28 FB Post: So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

3/28 FB Post: "Doubt less, more Faith "

3/29 FB Post:
Don’t Be Troubled
TODAY’S VERSE
“Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.”
I Corinthians 15:58
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. ”
John 14:1
TODAY’S THOUGHT
In life we will have trials. We will have struggles. To grow is to stretch ourselves. With this come risks. So we step out in faith; and even then, we can have times of fear, doubt and anxiety. Many times we avoid conflict, hide from our struggles or simply try to escape pain through various ways. We can try and ignore our pressures but sooner or later avoidance won’t work anymore. We have to face the situation we find ourselves in. The good news is that God is faithful. He knows our struggles, He knows our limitations. Paul the Apostle encourages us, because of the love and power of God, to stand firm and let nothing move us. Jesus encourages us not to let our hearts be troubled by believing in God who is almighty and all loving. God is for us. He loves us. He is our strength. So today, stand firm, put all your trust in God. Exercise your faith and give all your struggles, trials and temptations to Him.
TODAY’S PRAYER
Father, You know all about my situation. You know my worries, fears and anxious thoughts. Help me stand firm. Help my heart not to be troubled. I do believe in You, dear God. I come now and trust You with all my life.
AMEN
TODAY’S MEDITATION & AFFIRMATION
I will trust in God
Feel yourself being weighed down by trials and tribulation. You burden is so heavy. You are at the end of your rope when you remember to call out to Jesus. You cry out to Him and decide to stand firm letting nothing move you from your resolve to trust God. You feel you burden become lighter. You sense that God is giving you strength to live for Him. You affirm, “I will trust in God!”

3/29 Tweet: "And once again I say... NO MAN can open a door God has already SHUT nor can they SHUT a door that God has already OPENED #DEPENDENTonHIM"

3/29 Retweet: "If anyone has had a rough day: 1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you ". (This actually goes with what a dear friend told me yesterday that God was telling her to tell me to read, which was all of 1 and 2 Peter. This retweet is by someone who also doesn't know my other friend who told me that. How's that for a READ THIS NOW!?)

3/29 Tweet: Tough times? The reason why GOD gave the assignment to you and not to someone else, maybe because HE TRUSTS YOU with the task!

All of these random, posts, all with a central theme all for me. DON'T WORRY...so easy to say...so hard to do, but I'm trying. It's hard but I'm really trying. I'm a worrier by nature. I constantly feel like I HAVE to be in control of my life b/c it's so hard to give over that control to anyone else. On this earthly realm I've never really been able to depend on anyone but my mom and myself and my best friend, MC. Everyone else has let me down in some form or fashion.

God has proven time and again that He is nothing but FAITHFUL to the very end...but my human nature and propensity for worrying is so strong that God really does have to "hit me upside the head" a la "Gibbs" style with these messages. (Those of you who watch NCIS, will get the reference there)

So, God, I'm trying to give that control over to You. It's painful for me to do, so please be patient, as You have already been. But please know that I'm trying. I'm listening and I'm trying.

I love You... ♥♥

Giving it up vs OFFERING it up

So...

I am not Catholic, Lutheran or Methodist, but I do participate in Lent and it seems like I've been going about it all wrong, which is probably why my Lenten "sacrifices" never stuck. A lovely and very wise, former high school friend pointed this out to me this morning and it really FINALLY made sense to me.

I posted on my FB status that I am giving up a couple of things for the Lenten period and focusing on two main things. I spoke about how my hope is that giving those two things up for Lent would carry over to being every day changes in my life. (My mouth...I have issues with keeping it clean when I'm in traffic and/or dealing with idiot drivers, but I never, ever use profanity around my kids. And, I smoke every now and then. Ok, 2 cigs a day. One going to work and one leaving work. Don't smoke on the weekends.) I wrote of how cutting both of these out for 40 days should make a difference in various areas of my life for the better.

My lovely friend wrote the following:

"I saw it put so nicely on another page where a conversation was being held about Lent and the writer said, "join us sufferers". The person writing back stated, "Jesus suffered and died, so that we don't have to suffer." I thought that was well put. If God is speaking to you about something, listen to Him, pray and ask Him to help you stop whatever you are failing at. Don't have to "give it up" for Lent – OFFER it up instead. Such a great thing for us non-denominational Christians! Amazing GRACE!"

I never thought of it that way, but really, it makes SO MUCH SENSE! Instead of suceeding by trying to do this "on our own", so to speak by "giving" it up, we are, really, without relying on the Lord for help, learning that any plan is doomed to fail eventually when we go that route.

By OFFERING it up to the Lord, we are humbling ourselves with our issues and telling Him that we have no chance of doing it on our own. We are admitting that we NEED His help to get through whatever it is we are trying to get rid of in our lives and we are TRUSTING that He will do it, when we obey what it is that He wants us to do.

Really, the observation of Lent is about external rituals. God is after something much deeper than those external rituals. He wants our hearts. He wants our souls. He wants them completely. We should rejoice in the fact that we are 100% forgiven through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. We should be praying for guidance from the Lord about what are the stumbling blocks in our lives that are hindering our relationship with God and others. What is it He wants us to "give up" by offering it up to Him? Once He leads us to the things we need to work on ridding our lives of and we entrust the struggle to Him, often this leads to a healthier lifestyle, whether physically, mentally or other, and creates a less stressful life all the way around.

I know I have a LOT more than just those two things to work on and offer up and I believe with God's help and surrendering myself to His direction and offering those areas up to Him, that ultimately I will be successful and I have nobody to thank but God for the changes He is going to make in my life for the better.

Live and learn every day. I'm learning to do it for the RIGHT reasons.

In writing this, the wonderful hymn "Trust and Obey" was brought to my mind...I'd say it fits pretty perfectly!

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Refrain